#AbortionTriggers #FrontLine

Um, this is hard to type. It has been awhile, but I'm going to type every word that comes into my thoughts as I am thinking it.

Seven years.

I mean, the further away I get from being that scared teenager, the less it seems to hurt.

And, um, it actually seems longer than 8 years.

And at the same time, I can't believe my Little Girl would be 7. Like just turning 7. So many questions I have still.

When I had Sara, it seemed like a lot of that hurt washed away. I felt like God made me suffer. But then afterward he washed me clean.

The burden was lifted.

I experienced pregnancy and a Beautiful birth. I was able to nurse her and mother her the way I always wanted to mother an infant. Our family was perfect-as perfect as it could be without Lucy.

But then Sara was just so hard. And I wanted so bad to have balance back in my life. So I left the front line-fighting for Life. Now Lucy seems further than ever before.

Some days that is freeing. Some days I feel a pang of guilt because I don't feel guilty, for being free, I mean.

And today is the first day I have been triggered in years. And the fear and sadness and anger, it just came rushing back in all at once. And I remembered my story. I remember being terrified and keeping secrets and the relief after and self loathing after that. And the pain and regret and wanting to be dead. And the grief and the suffering. I remember the sleepless nights and the countless tears. And wishing my Husband would leave and never come back.

I was one of the lucky ones. I found hope and healing and my marriage is better than I ever imagined. It is full of love and balance and God, which is the most I could ever ask for.

During those years of suffering, I wrote a blog post on my Susie Homemaker blog. It was called, "These Things Take Time." And, as I read it, I was surprised at how lost I felt. I haven't felt that way in so long-it seems. In my blog, I just kept saying who I wanted to be, where I wanted to live, what I wanted my home to look like. And it is that-and more.

I have hear the odds somehow-the odds of two very high risk situations. A teen pregnancy/marriage and a marriage lasting through abortion. And how? I will tell you how. God. There is a plan. And I have been telling my Husband that since before I got pregnant the first time.

So,

I want to be back on that front line, but I feel like God is preparing me for it, and I can't go back in without his signal. But how do I stand idly by when there is so much pain out there? So many babies being aborted. So many women living in bondage. So much abuse and unforgiveness to the children who were born before and after their abortions? How can I watch from the sidelines?

If not me, then who? If not now, then when?

I can't lose touch with that scared teenage girl who was newly married with a baby, still in high school to boot. Those days may be over, but they shaped me. December 29, 2009 I learned a lot about Life and about the decisions we make and the effect they have on eternity. I can't live in content and blissful ignorance for the remainder of my life. I want to be back on the front lines remembering my story and helping Lucy change the World.

I Am Taking Him Now

Here is the poem I wrote after my dream the other night:
It is Match 1, 2016. A little over a year since I had that dream. And I am just posting it. Because it finally came true.

I am Taking Him Now

Lucy,
It was nice to see your Angel Face today.
Dark hair. Dark skin. Your eyes.
You look just like your sister.

Holding you up against my chest.
Savoring every breath
While I held
Your angel body.

Warmth flooded my veins.
With Love that overcame my shame.
I was whole again.
If only for a minute.

Lucy, I am taking him now.
Is that okay?
I know you just found out today,
But I promise
He is safe with me.
Unlike you.

We will love him like we love you now.
Give him everything we can.
We will tell him about the God we found.
And hold his little hand.
He will experience everything you never did.
But I know you want for him.

Lucy,
I'm sorry you were second.
And he
Is third.
You had to suffer what you did not deserve.
And now you have to sit and wait.
For the return of the ones you love.

But Lucy, you won't believe the impact you are making from above.
You and God are the reason a woman has found her peace after 50 years of shame.
You and God are the reason a Baby is breathing in the arms of his new Mom.
You and God are the reason for our future son.

You are not alone where you are at.
God is with you every day.
You have family up there too and I can only imagine what they had to say,
When they saw your Angel Face.
A baby they never knew existed,
But was waiting up above.

Lucy,
You know I Love You.
I feel it every day.
But I am taking Little Brother now.
We will all be back again some day.

Give him hugs and kisses.
Leave some extra ones for me.
I need enough to last a lifetime, so
Be generous please.

The four of us will see you soon.

Love,
Mom

I Miss You. I am Taking Brother. I am Sorry. I am Taking Brother.

Dreams of Little Ones

I had the most amazing, healing dream last night. Having a dream about a child you lost is incredible. To see them, hold them, love them. But having a dream about the child you lost AND your future child, that is a whole other Blessing in itself.

I don't remember much of it, but here is what I do.

I remember dealing with doctors and newborn. And I remember her, the doctor, telling me it was simply acid reflux and that he would be fine. I remember a wave of fear washed out of me. (Assuming that came from the dealing with Samantha's cyclic vomiting.) I looked at my little girl, "big sister." I assumed she was Samantha, but she was still tiny. Looked like a Baby herself. (Nothing like I ever pictured Lucy, because to be honest, I never pictured her as a Baby, just as a child.) She had black hair. Quite a bit darker than Samantha's hair was when she was born, but the same dark skin and squinted eyes Samantha had. I remember picking her up and soaking in being able to hold her. (What confused me at first when I woke up was that I wasn't holding my newborn. I was holding her.) We both looked at "brother's" head wobbling. He was even smaller than her. But same traits. Black hair, dark skin, squinted eyes. (Don't ask why. We are both blonde haired and decently pale.) I said, "Come on, let's go teach little brother how to sit up. We began to walk out of the room together. I thought we were going to the same place, but the little girl in my arms kept trying to reach for her brother. She whined a little bit and I said, "Oh, it's okay. You will see him again one day. Tell brother bye for now." And she did. And she reached for him and hugged him. He hugged her too. But she didn't kiss him....She licked him. lol I looked at the doctor in shock and awe of this relationship the two of my children had already built. But she didn't seem surprised at all. The boy left the room (somehow in my arms) and the girl was left behind. My dream stopped there. 

When I woke up, I had no time to process the dream. Even though I had set my alarm for 7:15, it didn't go off until 7:30, exactly when my dream ended. (I have never had a dream that actually ended.) Once I finished getting my Husband ready for work, I had some time to sit and ponder and pray about it. And I started feeling like that wasn't my daughter, Samantha. That was Lucy. And that little boy was our baby. Part of me inside is a little sad. I always wanted all girls. But another part of me is just jumping full of joy at the fact that we WILL have another. That he is on his way! And that I got to see my Lucy once again. And hold her too! I remember how it felt to hold her. Warmth flooded my body. Love rushed through me. Holding her little body seemed to make me whole again. What a Blessing.

May be a little bit much information, but I ovulated yesterday. Hasn't really been on my mind though because of vacation and well, everything is in full swing, so we have been busy. I would say that the dream came from obsession, but I am not obsessing. I feel like God gave me that dream. It may not mean that we will definitely have a boy. Or that I will definitely get pregnant this month. I am not saying that at all, but there is something behind it. And I am praying we find out very soon.

The face of both my angels looked so similar to the one below. This looks nothing like my S now, but it is her for sure. I always pictured Lucy a lot like Samantha. I assumed because she was all I ever knew. But now I am starting to think they really do favor.

Quit Asking "Why?" and Rejoice

Today is Sanctitiy of Human Life Sunday. This day is always a day I look forward to. Another chance to share my story. Another chance for God to keep bringing amazing women into my life. And another day for me to Honor my child.

Often times I used to think of how cruel it was for God to give me a child, knowing what I would do to her. Obviously God knew she would never walk this Earth. Obviously he knew she would never even be born. But why would he do that? And seeing as I am a firm believer in us choosing our own paths, sometimes I wonder why Lucy would sacrifice her life like that. (My beliefs may offend some people. And I never once mean to say that I am happy that I aborted my child. In fact, I regret it every day when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. But there is nothing I can do to change that.) The only thing I can do is to allow God to turn it into something Beautiful. If He can turn something as horrific as abortion into something beautiful, what could he NOT turn into something Beautiful?....Nothing.

I think of all that has happened in my life. And as much as I'd like to think the birth of my most perfect little S turned my life around, I can't help but wonder if that was only the start of it all. *Dramatic Pause*

I didn't really grow in leaps and bounds until I suffered from the tragic loss of my child. (Yes, loss. Again with the offending people. Unless you have been there, stop cringing.) So many things have changed for me. My Life is changed forever. But how could someone who never even took their first breath. Who technically wasn't even FULLY formed, change a life-Forever?

Believe it. Because she did. She changed every move I make. She is the reason I wake up in the morning and I give it my all in Homeschooling and being a Wife. She made me realize how important it is to savor every moment possible with my child. She made me realize how important putting hair in pigtails really is. She made me realize what is there one moment can be gone the next. To never do anything I think I might regret. (Although sometimes I fall short on that one.) She made me realize how strong my marriage can be. She made me realize how amazing of a man my Husband is. Sure, he messed up too. He made a mistake. And at one time I thought I would always hate him for that. But how can you hate a man who apologizes for being wrong. Who repents to God for what he has done. Who holds you at night when you cry and even sheds some tears of his own? How can you hate a man who supports every pro life effort. A man who tells you that it's okay to be on call when for a girl who has an unplanned pregnancy. A man who lets you share your story, even at the risk that someone he knows may find out and judge him for it. A man who lets you do whatever you feel God has asked you to do to make that Life matter. And how can not forgive someone and expect God to forgive you? The answer is simple. You. Can't.

She is the reason I volunteer my time. The reason I drive to Dalton every week and prepare speeches and studies and which college we are going to next. The reason I can speak to and understand the women who come in who feel alone and scared. She is the reason I can have compassion for somebody no matter what they have done. (Yes. I mean that. I do believe I am the only person who feels compassion for the man who shot my grandfather. I know we all mess up and none of us choose the temporary "insanity" we suffer from.)

She is the reason that I have met so many amazing, Christian women who have helped me grow closer to God. The reason I have bonds with women whom I would otherwise never have known.

She is the reason I got up this morning and told my story in front of an entire church of strangers, as well as two of the most influential, supportive women in my Life. (Whom I thought I was helping to Heal. But really they were helping me too the whole time.)

She is the reason I entered the Memorial for the Unborn today. And the reason I shook hands with Julie Norman, the daughter of legendary Zig Zigglar and listened to her story with awe. As I sat at the Memorial, I looked around the room. I saw the faces of women who were smiling and rejoycing that their children were ever here to begin with. And I saw the faces of women who were still suffering. Many of the faces inside the Memorial looked familiar. Friends and acquaintenses I have made over the last 4 years. Women who have made all the difference in who I am. As I sat inside the NMU, I listened to a story of Hope. I was encouraged.

I thought about all the Joy this child has brought into my Life. If not for her, I would have never realized how precious Life is. I would never have entered the world of Hope and Healing. WEC Dalton would still not have a Recover Study. My friend, D, would never have been at church the day I told my story. She never would have known that other women suffer. Maybe that is why Lucy sacrificed her life. Not just for me, for her sister. Her Dad. For these women. Because the impact she is making is just as big a wave as if she were here today. As I thought about all that wouldn't have happened, I realized that God not only put that child in my womb, but he put her in my Heart so that I could grow in Him. So that I could learn to Love more. So I could learn to BE for a greater purpose. He didn't WANT me to abort her, but he KNEW I would. And he gave me her anyway. That doesn't dismiss what I did. In fact I still think of all the "never will happens" with her being gone. Without her here, she will never have her first Christmas, first hair cut. She will never have children of her own. But those are all things I don't know anyway. She could have passed away before her birth. She could have passed away in her first year. I HAVE to focus on what IS or the guilt will eat me alive.

Today is Sanctity of Human Life Sunday and 5 years after I lost her, I realize that my mourning must be over. All I can do now is quit asking God why and rejoice that she was ever there to begin with.

December is Hard

December is hard on me. It always is. But this year I thought I would be better. I don't get bothered by EDDs or Anniversaries anymore. So I expected that December would come and go this year just like August has in years past. But it hasn't.

I don't know if it is a mixture of losing Lucy, the drab winter weather, which has actually been more pleasant than in years past, or maybe a bit to do with trying to have another child. My fingers crossed that it would happen this month. I want nothing more than to give Samantha a sibling for Christmas, and in the same month that she lost a sibling just 5 years ago. I know it wouldn't replace her, but it would be a nice way to Remember her. My cycle is going extremely long this time, which never happens to me, but all negative tests, so that has me dragging a bit, just waiting for the days to go by so that I can test "just one more time." This past week has been nothing but wishing the days would pass. Nothing would break my heart more than to find out this is not the month. Especially not after this little "hiccup" in timing.

I don't feel like doing anything. I wake up. I lay in bed. So not like me. I usually have a million things running through my mind. Things that need to get done. Clean the house. Budget. Meal plan. Work for the Center. The list is never ending. But I just...lay there. No motivation to get up. This never happens to me. When I finally wake S up, I don't feel like doing much of anything. Sometimes I force myself to. Other days...I say, "Well, we took the day off "school" because we weren't really feeling it today. In reality, I just didn't feel like facing life that day. So we play video games...or nap. I know this all makes me sound so lazy. If my Husband found out, I'm not quite sure he wouldn't feel so confident about me staying home. I am not sure if he would understand this is not normal. But I don't know what is wrong with me. After I cook dinner, I take my bath, and that is it. I can't even remember what I used to do most afternoons to relax. Sometimes I would read if I had a book. But I don't feel like reading lately. Either silently or even to S before bed. I force myself for her, but not more than a chapter, whereas we were eating up several chapter books a week just last month. But one chapter is that is if I don't fall asleep before she is ready for me to lay her down. December hit, and that was it for me.

Like I said, I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know how to fix this. I don't want to be a bad Mom or a lazy Mom. I don't want to be unproductive. That is NOT me. I am one of the most obsessively productive people I know. But December is just...December and I don't like it one bit. I wish it would pass because I just don't know how much more December I can take.

I am looking for a place to let it out and I know this is one of my most inactive Blogs...I just need to do a little breathing. So...breathing I am doing.

Just when you think you are completely healed. It happens every time. To me. The holidays. They are a tough one on me. Seeing small babies in their cute winter, holiday outfits. Seeing adorable toddlers icing cookies and attempting to sing Christmas toons. Those commercials. That one commercial, the Silent Night diaper commercial. Always makes me cry. Every year S gets older, I feel like I am further and further away from My Lucy. I know it doesn't make sense to some people, but it does to me. Somehow, Samantha's babyhood was my link to Lucy's. I wasn't really "missing" the stages at that time because S was pretty much still going through them. Now...She is a kid.

With this whole baby thing again AND the holidays, it just...complicates things-a lot. It physically hurts me to see pictures of small children wearing holiday clothing and doing holiday things. It hurts me from my heart to the deepest part of my stomach. It is this horrible pain. Like I am going to be sick. And I need to cry. I can't tell if it is because I want a Baby or because I had a Baby. I can't tell which of the two is missing. The past or the future. Maybe a little bit of both.

And although we have only been trying a little over a month, it seems like eternity because of that whole year we didn't succeed. Then all the "in between." And now this. I don't know what I am saying. I just am having a hard time getting a handle on WHY I am going through this. WHAT is it God is trying to show me. What is he waiting for? If I lean on him a little more, what will the results be? What lies before me?

Yes, I am forever grateful that I have a wonderful Husband and child and that we are even in a position to try for another baby. I am grateful that I get to see my Little Girl grow up, and do her hair, and take her to look at dolls-hopefully American Girl soon! And if I never have another child again I will Thank My God and savor what he gave me. But I still feel like a piece is missing. I will always be Happy with my S, but Lucy will always be missing and this child is still Missing. (Yes, to me, she exists. The very thought of her life makes her in existence to me.)  I have two pieces gone and it is causing me lots of pain. Even over our last year of "not trying," I think about it all the time. And that is why I told my Husband, this is something meant to be. I couldn't let it go. Even in that year's time, I couldn't let it go.

I have had to remove myself from most media, including Facebook. I have to look away when I see small children. And I can't even hold a baby. When will this end? Will it ever end? Or will I always have this overwhelming sense of sadness during the holidays?

My Whole Life's Dictation

Foster care and children have been on my mind a lot lately. God, what  are you calling me to do? One minute I feel like you are telling me to connect with my Husband and have as many children as you bless us with. Then I think, "If that is true, why haven't we had more children in well over a year?" I know you have us face trials, but how do I know what is the way? And Lord, what about fostering? Can we do that in a 3 bedroom house if you give us 4 more kids? What is it that you are calling us to do? We are in a waiting period. We are raising our only living child to the best of our ability and we don't know what is coming next. Is this all you are asking of us? Do you want more?

Then I realized....My entire life since that day in December 2009 has been dictated by my abortion. My. Entire. Life.

Some of those things were by the devil. He took my situation and tried to send me into a downward spiral. My depression. My attachment. My solitude. My OCD. And I truly believe the hard time that we have had having more children is due to my abortion...But other decisions and events were God taking my weeping and turning it into joy.

Every major decision we have made has been because of Lucy. We chose to move out of my Mom's house as soon as my Husband found a better paying job because we couldn't be in that house anymore with this secret looming over us. Satan, I am sure, loved to watch us struggle, paycheck to paycheck. Crying when it snowed because I knew he wouldn't get paid for that day, but we had not a dime to spare. But we stayed faithful and God Blessed us. I was able to stay home and we were always able to pay our bills on time. Jessie found a job that paid much better and made him happier. We were even able to buy a house just 2 years later. A house that opened up space for us to use for HIM. It has given us space to have the Recovery Bible study and an extra room for someone to stay in while they get on their feet. I want to use my house for God, and that is what we have done.

I even chose to homeschool at first because of selfish reasons. I was attached to my only living child because I had lost My Lucy. I couldn't let go of my Samantha for even just a minute. And slowly, God turned my selfish reasons into selfless reasons. For God. For relationship. For education. For living a free life, unprocessed. But I digress. I can't imagine our life differently. Not only has the decision to homeschool changed our life as a family, but Samantha's future, and I believe it is for the better. God has turned my weeping into joy, yet again. I have a better relationship with my child than I ever could have imagined because the loss of My Lucy has made me realize just how important those little moments are.

The whole reason I started volunteering and leading the Bible study are because of my experiences. At first I think it is possible I was just trying to serve my way out of my Sin, but I have come a long way in just a few years. I want to help others receive the healing that I have. I started speaking because I want others to know they are not alone. I have met SO MANY MANY wonderful women that I never would have met had I not lost My Lucy. T'hey will NEVER replace Lucy. Nothing ever will, but there is something comforting in the fact that her Life has FOREVER changed mine, no matter what happened to her, her Life has still made one of the greatest impacts on me that any life has, and I am seeing that it is making an impact on others all over.

And now we are facing this whole child issue. We have placed it in God's hands, but it is hard to not keep pulling back and saying, "Okay, so what now? What is going to happen? Should we expect you to give us more children? What does the future look like?" I know my life-our lives are still being effected by what happened. We have discussed it time and time again. When Samantha is older, we want to foster and help an "unwanted" child. We want to give them a home that loves them and wants them there. I want to give Samantha that sister that she missed out on. I want the child we adopt to have that family unit she missed out on, I want Lucy to continue making a difference, because Lucy's Life has meaning.

Lucy's. Life. Is. Beautiful.