Monday, January 7, 2013
New Business Cards
I ordered some business cards from Vista print. Since I knew I would be speaking in January, I wanted to get some cards, but I didn't want to spend a lot, so I waited until their after Christmas deals. I got 500 premium business cards with my own image attached to them AND SHIPPING for $5.00! Their deal was $5.00 for 500 cards and you could add what you wanted for free and they paid shipping, so all I paid for was the cards themselves. I will probably continue to order them through vistaprint, but it will be about $20.00 or $25.00 if they are not on sale. I am sure it will take awhile for me to go through all 500 cards. Here they are:
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Dandelion Jewelry
Here are some other pieces I have ordered. The necklace I ordered, the lady put, "If I had one wish..." on the front. And then on the back she put, "I would wish for you, Dear Lucy." But it broke because I wore it so much, and she doesn't sale them anymore, which is why I wanted my disk necklace to say that.
The second piece I ordered was a bracelet. It was on a cheap string and it broke also, and now I cannot find the charm. :( So I plan to reorder it soon and maybe out it on different string.
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Here are some pieces I want to buy in the future:
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| GORGEOUS BRACELET! But it is $32.00! |
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| Earrings to Match the Rest of the Pieces |
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| Very Unique Necklace-Made with read Dandelion seeds! |
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Mountains and Valleys
Today was my first day of the year back at the center. It started out pretty well. I was at the top of my game starting out. I brought Samantha with me today, and we began our morning by counting some money from a fundraiser that they needed sorted and rolled. Sam learned a lot while she helped me with it. She learned her pennies, nickles, dimes, and quarters. We did some simple math while we added the money. She learned to roll change and how to use a sorting machine. We took our own sweet time, and she really enjoyed it. She was serving and learning at the same time, two of the most important things.
After that, I made some calls to places that I will be speaking at this month for Sanctity of Human Life Month. The first place is a church. The other I just called today and offered to help and she told me she would like me to speak at their Memorial Service at the Memorial for the Unborn. She is going to get back with me soon, so that is exciting!
I also worked on a pamphlet for Sanctity of Human Life Month (SHLM-because I am tired of typing it over and over) with another lady who works at the center. She is not very computer savvy, so we got in some talk time and worked together on that. We also talked about having a Walk for Life in April. (For Abortion Recovery Awareneness Month.) I told her I would Love to help her organize it. (She is the fundraising coordinator.) So we are going to start working on that soon.
Now time for the valley...I serve on Thursdays, so when they have a girl call in who is "abortion minded," they try to schedule her on Thursday-or on a day that the lady I work with for the post abortive study is there. (We will just call her K so I don't have to keep saying "the lady I work with for the post abortive study.")
Today I had my first client actually show up. I have had other abortion-minded clients scheduled to come in and talk and they were all no shows. But this lady showed up. I was super nervous because I had never spoken to anyone before, but the ladies I work with are super supportive. They just kept reminding me, "For it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." Matthew 10:20 I went in with confidence.
I obviously can't give any real details about her or her background-client confidentiality. But she was abortion minded. Her test was positive, so I went to talk to her, and she was extremely unresponsive. She had her mind made up, and there was no changing it. I had to let her go...I sent some material with her about prenatal development and post abortive stress syndrome. (I saw her reading it when I was out of the room, so maybe that is a good sign.) I will call to check on her next week.
I left the room crying and shaking hysterically. I thought I would be able to hold it together, but as soon as I left and saw our center director, I just feel into her arms sobbing. That was my first chance, and I ruined it. There are no practice rounds in this area of serving. I should have been more prepared.
But the women at the center, again, are so supportive. They reminded me that it isn't my fault and that God had it all planned before any of it happened. He knows what he is doing with her life and the life of the child inside her. (Doesn't make me hurt for either of them any less.)
I stayed for awhile after that and I talked to each one of the women at the center for awhile. I got some pointers from all of them. They told me about some of the times that they weren't successful. And they told me about the times that they were. They reassured me that there will be a day where I experience that, and that it will all be worth it.
But you know what, I know the Lord was with me-the whole day, but especially when I was in the counseling room. I was a new person today. I was more confident today. I was able to talk without being shy. I was able to assert myself and joke with the other ladies at the center and have fun. (In turn, Samantha was more outgoing as well. She really enjoyed herself at the center a lot more than usual.) And when it came time to talk to the lady I met with, I was able to look her in the eye and speak clearly. (Something I was nervous about not being able to do when it came time.) There were a few times where I lost my train of thought, went blank, and got a little bit nervous, but I stopped, took a breath, and continued. I really liked who I saw in the mirror today. I think that God is really doing a work in me so that I can do what he has called me to do.
Please play for that woman and the child inside of her. I can't say her name, but God knows who she is.
After that, I made some calls to places that I will be speaking at this month for Sanctity of Human Life Month. The first place is a church. The other I just called today and offered to help and she told me she would like me to speak at their Memorial Service at the Memorial for the Unborn. She is going to get back with me soon, so that is exciting!
I also worked on a pamphlet for Sanctity of Human Life Month (SHLM-because I am tired of typing it over and over) with another lady who works at the center. She is not very computer savvy, so we got in some talk time and worked together on that. We also talked about having a Walk for Life in April. (For Abortion Recovery Awareneness Month.) I told her I would Love to help her organize it. (She is the fundraising coordinator.) So we are going to start working on that soon.
Now time for the valley...I serve on Thursdays, so when they have a girl call in who is "abortion minded," they try to schedule her on Thursday-or on a day that the lady I work with for the post abortive study is there. (We will just call her K so I don't have to keep saying "the lady I work with for the post abortive study.")
Today I had my first client actually show up. I have had other abortion-minded clients scheduled to come in and talk and they were all no shows. But this lady showed up. I was super nervous because I had never spoken to anyone before, but the ladies I work with are super supportive. They just kept reminding me, "For it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." Matthew 10:20 I went in with confidence.
I obviously can't give any real details about her or her background-client confidentiality. But she was abortion minded. Her test was positive, so I went to talk to her, and she was extremely unresponsive. She had her mind made up, and there was no changing it. I had to let her go...I sent some material with her about prenatal development and post abortive stress syndrome. (I saw her reading it when I was out of the room, so maybe that is a good sign.) I will call to check on her next week.
I left the room crying and shaking hysterically. I thought I would be able to hold it together, but as soon as I left and saw our center director, I just feel into her arms sobbing. That was my first chance, and I ruined it. There are no practice rounds in this area of serving. I should have been more prepared.
But the women at the center, again, are so supportive. They reminded me that it isn't my fault and that God had it all planned before any of it happened. He knows what he is doing with her life and the life of the child inside her. (Doesn't make me hurt for either of them any less.)
I stayed for awhile after that and I talked to each one of the women at the center for awhile. I got some pointers from all of them. They told me about some of the times that they weren't successful. And they told me about the times that they were. They reassured me that there will be a day where I experience that, and that it will all be worth it.
But you know what, I know the Lord was with me-the whole day, but especially when I was in the counseling room. I was a new person today. I was more confident today. I was able to talk without being shy. I was able to assert myself and joke with the other ladies at the center and have fun. (In turn, Samantha was more outgoing as well. She really enjoyed herself at the center a lot more than usual.) And when it came time to talk to the lady I met with, I was able to look her in the eye and speak clearly. (Something I was nervous about not being able to do when it came time.) There were a few times where I lost my train of thought, went blank, and got a little bit nervous, but I stopped, took a breath, and continued. I really liked who I saw in the mirror today. I think that God is really doing a work in me so that I can do what he has called me to do.
Please play for that woman and the child inside of her. I can't say her name, but God knows who she is.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Lucy's Heaven Day
December 29th 2012 marks Lucy's 3rd year in Heaven. Though her existence was so brief, she has made a huge impact in my life and the lives of many others and many more to come.
Saturday was was a very special day. In the morning I lit a candle in honor of Lucy, I lit two candles actually. Candles I got from her first memorial and the one I got from her group memorial. To me, one symbolizes before my healing, and the other one symbolizes after I found healing. I spent awhile praying, and thinking about her, asking God to show me more about her. She is a girl, and she has a name, but I want to know more of who she would have been. I also listened to her song, "Hey Lucy" by Skillet. And I wrote her a letter in her journal, as well as a note to leave at her Memorial.
We didn't get to go to the Memorial on Saturday because the roads iced over, and I didn't want to chance wrecking. So we went Monday morning. We didn't stay long, because it is a little awkward to me when Jessie comes. (Which is why I sometimes I try to go by myself.) So I left Lucy's note, gathered up some of her old ones I left, walked along the wall, and then signed the book and left.
The real reason that Saturday was such a special day is that I felt a real big change, but let me back up:
Another thing that made Lucy's Heaven Day so special to me, is that this year, I had someone to celebrate it with me. Hannah, whom I have mentioned before, made a very sweet blog post for Lucy. It was really special to read that. And to know someone else is thinking of her on her day. Here it is:
http://www.roseandherlily.com/2012/12/luke-and-lucy.html
She also sent me a card and a small gift for Lucy's Heaven Day. The card was Beautiful, from a line specifically meant for people who have lost their babies, and it had a super personal message inside. I Love cards because they are one of the most personal gifts somebody could give. She also sent a magnet with a painting on it. It is a Beautiful painting that symbolizes a mother longing for her child. At least, that is how I see it. It is called "Gone Too Soon."
What a great friendship we have developed in a little over a month. I hope we continue to email and maybe work together one day. And all this because of an envelope I saw on the wall.
Saturday was was a very special day. In the morning I lit a candle in honor of Lucy, I lit two candles actually. Candles I got from her first memorial and the one I got from her group memorial. To me, one symbolizes before my healing, and the other one symbolizes after I found healing. I spent awhile praying, and thinking about her, asking God to show me more about her. She is a girl, and she has a name, but I want to know more of who she would have been. I also listened to her song, "Hey Lucy" by Skillet. And I wrote her a letter in her journal, as well as a note to leave at her Memorial.
We didn't get to go to the Memorial on Saturday because the roads iced over, and I didn't want to chance wrecking. So we went Monday morning. We didn't stay long, because it is a little awkward to me when Jessie comes. (Which is why I sometimes I try to go by myself.) So I left Lucy's note, gathered up some of her old ones I left, walked along the wall, and then signed the book and left.
The real reason that Saturday was such a special day is that I felt a real big change, but let me back up:
When
I began the recovery group last Fall, one of the ladies asked the group
leaders why they didn't cry when they told their story. She asked if
they missed their babies anymore. And they both answered no. I was
really shocked. Then one of the ladies went on to say that now she just
feels love and excitement, love for her child, and
excitement about getting to see him one day. I couldn't believe she
said that because I just couldn't imagine letting go like that.
Well, Saturday night, I had some alone time, and I was just going to allow myself to cry for her and to miss her. I
went through her journal and looked at her ultrasound and just thought
about her, but all that kept coming to mind is how happy I am that I am
where I am now, doing what I have a passion for, being able to help
other women. And that I Love her, and I can't wait to see her again,
because I know I will. And it isn't that I am glad that I
did what I did, but I am glad her life lead me where it did. I finally
knew what those ladies were talking about.
Then
it hit me. That is what the whole last year has been about! I had to
deal with everything, including that longing for her, before I could
move forward, in anything, with the counseling at the Women's Center, with anything having to do with my family. So I did. I let her go. And last night, as we were waiting to bring in the New Year, I felt this peace, like everything is going to be okay. Like I CAN move forward, and this year, I WILL move forward.
I
will always love her and remember her and share her with others, and I
still have that passion to help others, even moreso now, but it is like
everything just suddenly changed. My heart quit that aching feeling, I
just stopped having that overwhelming emotion of...longing.
She
isn't "the baby I had an abortion with." That thought doesn't come to
my mind when I think about her over the last several days. She is just my
baby, in Heaven, watching me, waiting for me.
It is a nice feeling. A different feeling. I don't remember the last time I felt so...free....
Another thing that made Lucy's Heaven Day so special to me, is that this year, I had someone to celebrate it with me. Hannah, whom I have mentioned before, made a very sweet blog post for Lucy. It was really special to read that. And to know someone else is thinking of her on her day. Here it is:
http://www.roseandherlily.com/2012/12/luke-and-lucy.html
She also sent me a card and a small gift for Lucy's Heaven Day. The card was Beautiful, from a line specifically meant for people who have lost their babies, and it had a super personal message inside. I Love cards because they are one of the most personal gifts somebody could give. She also sent a magnet with a painting on it. It is a Beautiful painting that symbolizes a mother longing for her child. At least, that is how I see it. It is called "Gone Too Soon."
What a great friendship we have developed in a little over a month. I hope we continue to email and maybe work together one day. And all this because of an envelope I saw on the wall.
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| This is the little area I have for her on my dresser. It has cards I received from others with encouragement or remembrance. The cup that we broke and glued back together is up there, along with some books about abortion and her plaque from the Memorial. |
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| This is where I lit her two candles. |
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| This is my refrigerator. I generally write a new Bible verse once a week, depending on what sort encouragement I think somebody in the family needs, and this was the verse for Lucy's Day. I also displayed my card and magnet from Hannah. |
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| Here is a close-up of the magnet. |
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| This is a picture Hannah took of the candle she lit for Lucy. Absolutely Beautiful. |
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| And the cover to the card that Hannah sent. |
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Third Christmas Without Lucy and Anniversary Triggers
Yesterday was Christmas. I am not going to lie, it went pretty well. Lots and lots of distractions. But in the back of my mind, I am always thinking about Lucy. I didn't go to her Memorial today. Sometimes I do on Christmas. Sometimes I don't. It depends if I feel like I NEED to. Today I didn't, but with Lucy's anniversary being 4 days away, I know I will need to on Saturday. And I am a little anxious. Like it will be different this time...And I am not sure why.
Speaking of anxious...I stay anxious.
Between this year and last, I feel like I am slowly descending into madness. Last year's anniversaries being one of the things that triggered my OCD, and this year's anniversary...As it nears, I just feel anxious. About everything. About the whole end of the world thing...Everybody saying that aliens will be coming to visit us in our lifetime. That there will be a war among them...That our nation will fail soon because of this whole healthcare thing...(I believe pretty much anything anybody tells me unfortunately.) And that puts me in a constant state of anxiety. I am fearful all the time that someone is going to break in the house and shoot us. Don't get me wrong. We live in one of the safest neighborhoods in the area. We live right across from the police department, and when we talked to the police, they said that they never have to go to our area because as far as they can remember, nothing has happened on our road. So I don't know why, but the last few days, if Jessie isn't home, I get extremely paranoid, moreso than usual. One day we spent the entire day in the room because I thought that I felt soap fall in the bathroom and the cat was in my lap and Sam was asleep. It scared me to death, so after 2-1/2 hours, I took Jessie's shot gun, scanned the house, and then went to Sam's room, got a ton of toys and food from the kitchen, and I woke her up and we just played in the room all day. Another day, the attic creaked, so we left the house and didn't come back until Jessie came home and checked the attic. I am just so tired of feeling this way...
I didn't really like going to counseling all the time at HOPE or being on the medication, so I am trying to find my own "distractions" like I had to do to get off the medicine I was taking for OCD. So far, all I have come up with, is that in the mornings, when Jessie leaves for work, I instantly turn music on the television. It is loud enough that I won't hear every little noise. But it is quiet enough that the noises on the TV don't make me think I hear other noises and scare me...
This may all sound really crazy, and I don't like it one bit, but if I don't do something about it, I am going to lose my mind.
Speaking of anxious...I stay anxious.
Between this year and last, I feel like I am slowly descending into madness. Last year's anniversaries being one of the things that triggered my OCD, and this year's anniversary...As it nears, I just feel anxious. About everything. About the whole end of the world thing...Everybody saying that aliens will be coming to visit us in our lifetime. That there will be a war among them...That our nation will fail soon because of this whole healthcare thing...(I believe pretty much anything anybody tells me unfortunately.) And that puts me in a constant state of anxiety. I am fearful all the time that someone is going to break in the house and shoot us. Don't get me wrong. We live in one of the safest neighborhoods in the area. We live right across from the police department, and when we talked to the police, they said that they never have to go to our area because as far as they can remember, nothing has happened on our road. So I don't know why, but the last few days, if Jessie isn't home, I get extremely paranoid, moreso than usual. One day we spent the entire day in the room because I thought that I felt soap fall in the bathroom and the cat was in my lap and Sam was asleep. It scared me to death, so after 2-1/2 hours, I took Jessie's shot gun, scanned the house, and then went to Sam's room, got a ton of toys and food from the kitchen, and I woke her up and we just played in the room all day. Another day, the attic creaked, so we left the house and didn't come back until Jessie came home and checked the attic. I am just so tired of feeling this way...
I didn't really like going to counseling all the time at HOPE or being on the medication, so I am trying to find my own "distractions" like I had to do to get off the medicine I was taking for OCD. So far, all I have come up with, is that in the mornings, when Jessie leaves for work, I instantly turn music on the television. It is loud enough that I won't hear every little noise. But it is quiet enough that the noises on the TV don't make me think I hear other noises and scare me...
This may all sound really crazy, and I don't like it one bit, but if I don't do something about it, I am going to lose my mind.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Christmas and Lucy
Christmas is the time of year that I really try to Remember Lucy, since December 29th is her "Heaven Day." (Thanks to Hannah, for showing me a better name for it.) Sometimes Christmas can be hard since the 29th is just 4 days after, but over the last few years, it has gotten easier.
Every year, since 2010, I have made her the same ornament. It is a purple angel. I always use a different material. The first year I used a pastel purple material and sewed it together to make a pillow ornament because the year before that we had learned to make those at school. The second year, I did a salt dough ornament because Samantha and I made salt dough ornaments. This year, I used some of the leftover wood from doing the floor. Jessie cut it out with a Skill Saw and I painted it and used a knife to carve her name and a Bible verse that reminds me the most of her-Jeremiah 29:11. The verse that got me through so much. I used it in the post abortive study that I wrote and I have it posted above my bed. Everytime I hear Jeremiah 29:11, I think how God had a plan for us all before we were born, even Lucy.
I chose purple because the same year we lost Lucy, my Papaw was shot. He was in the hospital for a very long time, and while he was in there, I made him a "Purple Heart" pillow. Purple reminds me of her because that is a color that I connect to that point in my life. And now I use it for her all the time. I even use Purple Dandelions as our symbol for the Post Abortive Ministry at the Center to Honor Lucy.
And I chose an Angel, because she is my Angel.
This year, though, Hannah, whom I met through her link to her blog at the Memorial for the Unborn, and I are swapping ornaments also. So I made one for her Luke. I did the same with hers, but used what reminds her of him. A green butterfly with Psalms 147:3 Attached to each one of the ornaments (Lucy's and Luke's) I put a paper that says:
In Memory of Luke Shiloh/Lucy Marie,
Who Lives Forever in the Heart of his/her Mom,
But Rests in the arms of the Lord.
Matthew 5:4
("Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.")
I just received mine from Hannah in the mail today. It is BEAUTIFUL! I really Love i! It is a clear ornament with purple pom poms inside. And a paper that says Lucy in Gorgeous text. It has dandelions on it. I really just Love it. It means a lot to me. Thank you, Hannah!
Hannah also sent me something for Lucy's heaven Day, but I can't open it until the 29th. I am anxious to open it. Thanks again, Hannah!
Here are some pictures.
Every year, since 2010, I have made her the same ornament. It is a purple angel. I always use a different material. The first year I used a pastel purple material and sewed it together to make a pillow ornament because the year before that we had learned to make those at school. The second year, I did a salt dough ornament because Samantha and I made salt dough ornaments. This year, I used some of the leftover wood from doing the floor. Jessie cut it out with a Skill Saw and I painted it and used a knife to carve her name and a Bible verse that reminds me the most of her-Jeremiah 29:11. The verse that got me through so much. I used it in the post abortive study that I wrote and I have it posted above my bed. Everytime I hear Jeremiah 29:11, I think how God had a plan for us all before we were born, even Lucy.
I chose purple because the same year we lost Lucy, my Papaw was shot. He was in the hospital for a very long time, and while he was in there, I made him a "Purple Heart" pillow. Purple reminds me of her because that is a color that I connect to that point in my life. And now I use it for her all the time. I even use Purple Dandelions as our symbol for the Post Abortive Ministry at the Center to Honor Lucy.
And I chose an Angel, because she is my Angel.
This year, though, Hannah, whom I met through her link to her blog at the Memorial for the Unborn, and I are swapping ornaments also. So I made one for her Luke. I did the same with hers, but used what reminds her of him. A green butterfly with Psalms 147:3 Attached to each one of the ornaments (Lucy's and Luke's) I put a paper that says:
In Memory of Luke Shiloh/Lucy Marie,
Who Lives Forever in the Heart of his/her Mom,
But Rests in the arms of the Lord.
Matthew 5:4
("Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.")
I just received mine from Hannah in the mail today. It is BEAUTIFUL! I really Love i! It is a clear ornament with purple pom poms inside. And a paper that says Lucy in Gorgeous text. It has dandelions on it. I really just Love it. It means a lot to me. Thank you, Hannah!
Hannah also sent me something for Lucy's heaven Day, but I can't open it until the 29th. I am anxious to open it. Thanks again, Hannah!
Here are some pictures.
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| Lucy's 2010 Ornament and Pillow |
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| Lucy's 2011 Ornament |
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| Lucy and Luke's 2012 Ornaments |
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Saturday, December 8, 2012
Honoring Lucy, Serving God
I am not sure really where to begin but to just say where we are now.
I do not have time to say everything I want to say, to detail every emotion that I felt from the time I lost my Lucy up until now. To really describe the sadness that goes along with abortion, knowing that you are the reason that your child is not there, that your child did not turn one on their birthday, that they will never get to blow on a dandelion or smell the Spring air. And that because of that, you will never get to hold her-or him and kiss their boo boos or sing silly songs with her or bake a cake or get to know their personality.
Really in a situation like this, all you have to hold onto is faith, faith that there is a reason all of this happened, faith that what the Bible says, is true-I WILL see my Lucy one day in Heaven. And she will hug me and Forgive me, because she was never even angry. And she will tell me she Loves me and that she has always Loved me like I Love her. She knows no anger or sadness or unforgiveness. What a wondrous thing, and I live everyday hoping it is true.
It is hard to go from the darkness to realizing all I have now is Faith. But I think I am headed there. In 2011, Lucy would have turned 1 on August 21st. I was part of a forum specifically meant for women who have had an abortion or family members who are also going through someone close to them having an abortion. (It is very helpful, for them to see how women actually feel after an abortion-not what the clinics say.) The website is called http://www.passboards.org I didn't drive at the time, so my attempts to go to post abortive counseling at the women's center in my area were futile. My Husband worked day shift, and the center was closed after he got home from work. So I joined an online recovery group on the PASS Boards. It was personally crafted by the moderator of the site based on the stages she went through after her abortion. And what a life changing group that was. It started me down a path I never knew I would take.
It was hard to work through retelling my story and dealing with the anger and remembering my Baby. In fact, it was so hard, I think that is one thing that triggered my OCD. A few weeks after starting the group, and I didn't connect the two until recently, I began crying a lot, also because of her Would Have Been Birthday. And then I decided that my house was dirty. (Ask anyone, it wasn't. We lived in a 2 bedroom, 900 square foot apartment. It was not hard to keep pretty much spotless, and those hard to reach places, like under the stove and inside the washer, I cleaned those once a month.) But this-this was much worse. I began cleaning constantly. I cleaned from the time I woke up until 2 or 3 in the morning, after cleaning for about 16 hours straight, when I would finally be too tired to do anything else. I went to bed thinking about what needed to be cleaned. I cleaned things that were not there. I cleaned things that I cleaned 3 and 4 times that day. I took a toothbrush and a knife to cut any dirt I saw out of the shower doors. I dug so deep, sometimes the knife slipped and I had cuts all over my hands. I scrubbed so hard and used so much bleach, my hands were blistered and raw. I got rid of anything and everything I did not believe to be in perfect shape. I was a mess. I remember lying awake some nights thinking, "Why me, Lord? I have already been through so much. Why me?" I couldn't even spend time with my daughter during the day, enough to even have lunch with her, and my do I regret that. I knew I didn't have that kind of time to waste. My Husband didn't know how much more he could take, so he told me we needed to find me some help. So I did.
I found GA HOPE. It is a counseling center for people with no insurance. I made an appointment, and it was that week that I started driving. When I started, they diagnosed me with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), PASS (Post Abortive Stress Syndrome), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome-Practically the same, because it was for the same reason.) and GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). They placed me in weekly counseling at the center, weekly counseling with someone different at my house, and then I periodically had to see the nurse and doctor because they placed me on medication. (I really did not want to go on medication. I am not a huge supporter of modern medicine, but at that point, I would have tried anything.) I saw my counselor a few times and the medicine had not kicked in. On Christmas Eve-I remember-is when it kicked in. I started feeling funny, and all of a sudden everything seemed dirtier. I couldn't quick crying because it was just too much. I felt like I was going to explode. I called the doctor to see what was going on, but of course there was no answer on Christmas Eve. So we left the house. I went and spent time with my daughter-real time, for the first time in months. We went and saw family and when my Husband got off work, he came with us too. And then we came home. And everything seemed, just a little bit cleaner, like it didn't NEED to be scrubbed right that moment. It was nice. We watched movies together that night and ate popcorn, and I didn't even clean up until the next morning. What a huge step for me!
So as time passed, I continued to see them. One day, in April, I had some clothes I wanted to donate to a Women's Center, ONLY a Women's Center, because I firmly believed in helping out women who chose to keep their babies. I had some of the most Beautiful dresses I had ever seen for a little girl that the Women's Center gave me when I went in to test with Lucy, and I wanted to give them back now that my daughter had out grown them, but they could not take that size anymore. So I asked my counselor for the number to the local Women's Center. And she gave it to me. I decided to take my clothes there, and I did not know what a difference that would be in my life.
When I arrived I felt compelled to ask them if they needed volunteers. (I have never seen someone so excited about volunteers. When I asked the Women's Center in my area, I never really heard back from them.) But this lady ran all the way to the back and brought me an application and let me tour the center. That day she "hired" me. I told her I noticed the front said they offer post abortive recovery classes, and that I wanted to help in that area, because that was my passion, and she informed me they didn't have classes at all, but she wished they did.
I did not realize I would walk out that day in charge of the new post abortive classes. My job was to find or write a curriculum, find ways to "advertise" it, and then counsel the people who came in. Wow. What a job! I was SO EXCITED! I called my Husband and he was surprisingly supportive!
Without all the cleaning, I had a lot of time on my hands. :) So I began volunteering on Thursdays, and my daughter stayed with a family member. (Sometimes now she goes with me to help out, and I think it is great for her to see and be around.) I started from scratch, and based my study off of the one I completed. The study has evolved so much since then. It was a basic study, which turned into a small Bible based study, which turned into a Bible based study with videos and activities.
It wasn't long after that I met another lady at the center who had also had an abortion, and after 26 years was still processing it and had not even told her family, only us at the center. She completed an independent study, and then made the suggestion that we should also start a group Bible study. That has been a task to prep for! We trained with the Women's Center I had gone to with Lucy. It was only a one day training, and we felt we needed more, so we went on to go through the actual study in a group lead by that center. It was an amazing experience. It was 8 weeks long, with one week that we met twice, Friday night and all day Saturday. There was something powerful about being in that woman's home (the leader) with the group of women God placed me with. We went through so much together, we laughed, we cried, we shared our story, we worked on anger, we did activities together. One of my favorites had to be when we smashed our cups on the ground and had to glue them all back together. Another was when we watched the heart breaking movie, Tilly and lit candles in remembrance of our angels. Very powerful.
Each woman there has and always will have a special place in my heart. One woman, our silent observer, has such a tender heart. Everything she says is sweet and loving, and sincere. Another woman, one of our leaders, who is brave and bold and she has such a giving heart. She always knew how to make us feel special and comfortable. She made us special lunches and snacks. She gave us bags to hold our group stuff in and book covers in case we didn't want people to see what book we had. She sent cards of encouragement. She was always thinking of us. And our other group leader, she was so funny. She really added some light to the group when we were all feeling down. She knew how to make us feel like there is hope. I felt a real connection with her. God knew what he was doing when he placed those women together. And when he placed us. Every single one of us in the group was different. There was one lady, the lady that you see sitting in church on Sunday and you just think her life is perfect, that she is stuck up and rich and has it all going for her. (So you think.) She was somewhat famous in our area because she was married to a political figure of some sort, but it really made me realize that things aren't always the way you think they are. This woman was going through a lot. She was hurting for her lost child and hurting for her kids that she has now that are struggling with becoming adults. And it was so life changing to see her come in so cold at the beginning of the group. She kept asking, "Why am I here? I don't think I need to be here." To, "I know why God sent me here." She just opened up each time we met. It was amazing. And another girl, who had waited over a decade to come to group, and you could see that had just been through so much. She had a terrible self imagine. She had been in bad relationships and she was struggling to make it day to day. But to hear her, in the end, say, "I am not stupid. I am not ugly. God knows what he is doing with my life." And my dear friend that I work with at the center, all the time right beside me, going through the same steps I was, sharing our story with each other on the way home, detailing how our recovery was going...Amazing, powerful stuff. I never thought God would take us this far in only 8 months.
We will be ready to get up and running early this Spring. We already had a luncheon and talked to several of the pastor's wives in the area about what we are beginning, and I was asked to come and speak at a church in January for Sanctity of Human Life month! This church is a huge church with thousands of members in one service, and they have several services. On top of that, it will be telecasted in 3 different locations of theirs, which also have several thousand members. What an exciting day that will be! God has really turned all this around.
Let me back up, here is one of the best parts. In May of this year, before all the training, but after I began volunteering, I started having memory problems. I could not remember what day it was or even the season. I woke up in late May thinking about how Christmas was right around the corner. And one time, while driving, I forgot where I was or how I got there, so they took me off my medication. They were going to put me on a different medication, but before they did, my Husband and I decided to try and have a baby! Which was a miracle because after what happened with Lucy, we didn't feel like we deserved anymore children, and we were dead set on never having more. So that was a huge turn around. I decided not to go back on medication since you can't take it while you are pregnant, and see how I could deal without it. And I have not looked back. I stopped receiving counseling and have not had any problems since. I am still not pregnant, and although I feel down sometimes and scared because of how long it is taking, I know there is a reason for it all. God knows what is best and he has shown me time and time again.
And because of that, I am Honoring Lucy and Trusting and Serving God.
Side Note: I probably will not mention much about my daughter, Samantha, or my Husband in this blog-I have others-so I will get it all out now.
My daughter is an amazing 4 year old little girl. She loves to dance and perform and is very outgoing-big change from how shy she used to be. She is extremely smart. We homeschool her and plan to do so for the rest of her "school years." We use child lead learning, and that has proved to be very effective with her. She Loves her sister, Lucy very much. She has known about Lucy since it happened. She was around a year old at the time, so it is starting to make more sense to her as she gets older. She comforts me when I have my sad days. She helps me to honor her by assisting at the center and she helps me with things like ornaments I make her. She even writes letters to Lucy. When she sees Dandelions, she always thinks of Lucy. She knows Lucy is in Heaven, and she tells me all the time that she can't wait to meet her.
My Husband, who is also Lucy's (and Samantha's) father, is an amazing man. We have been through a lot with the anger and unforgiveness I had toward him about Lucy, but we have worked through it. He completely supports me in what I do at the Women's Center. (Although, he is not too keen on the telecasting thing yet.) He would do anything for me to be able to achieve my dreams, and that makes me very happy that I married a man like that. I am a very lucky woman.
I do not have time to say everything I want to say, to detail every emotion that I felt from the time I lost my Lucy up until now. To really describe the sadness that goes along with abortion, knowing that you are the reason that your child is not there, that your child did not turn one on their birthday, that they will never get to blow on a dandelion or smell the Spring air. And that because of that, you will never get to hold her-or him and kiss their boo boos or sing silly songs with her or bake a cake or get to know their personality.
Really in a situation like this, all you have to hold onto is faith, faith that there is a reason all of this happened, faith that what the Bible says, is true-I WILL see my Lucy one day in Heaven. And she will hug me and Forgive me, because she was never even angry. And she will tell me she Loves me and that she has always Loved me like I Love her. She knows no anger or sadness or unforgiveness. What a wondrous thing, and I live everyday hoping it is true.
It is hard to go from the darkness to realizing all I have now is Faith. But I think I am headed there. In 2011, Lucy would have turned 1 on August 21st. I was part of a forum specifically meant for women who have had an abortion or family members who are also going through someone close to them having an abortion. (It is very helpful, for them to see how women actually feel after an abortion-not what the clinics say.) The website is called http://www.passboards.org I didn't drive at the time, so my attempts to go to post abortive counseling at the women's center in my area were futile. My Husband worked day shift, and the center was closed after he got home from work. So I joined an online recovery group on the PASS Boards. It was personally crafted by the moderator of the site based on the stages she went through after her abortion. And what a life changing group that was. It started me down a path I never knew I would take.
It was hard to work through retelling my story and dealing with the anger and remembering my Baby. In fact, it was so hard, I think that is one thing that triggered my OCD. A few weeks after starting the group, and I didn't connect the two until recently, I began crying a lot, also because of her Would Have Been Birthday. And then I decided that my house was dirty. (Ask anyone, it wasn't. We lived in a 2 bedroom, 900 square foot apartment. It was not hard to keep pretty much spotless, and those hard to reach places, like under the stove and inside the washer, I cleaned those once a month.) But this-this was much worse. I began cleaning constantly. I cleaned from the time I woke up until 2 or 3 in the morning, after cleaning for about 16 hours straight, when I would finally be too tired to do anything else. I went to bed thinking about what needed to be cleaned. I cleaned things that were not there. I cleaned things that I cleaned 3 and 4 times that day. I took a toothbrush and a knife to cut any dirt I saw out of the shower doors. I dug so deep, sometimes the knife slipped and I had cuts all over my hands. I scrubbed so hard and used so much bleach, my hands were blistered and raw. I got rid of anything and everything I did not believe to be in perfect shape. I was a mess. I remember lying awake some nights thinking, "Why me, Lord? I have already been through so much. Why me?" I couldn't even spend time with my daughter during the day, enough to even have lunch with her, and my do I regret that. I knew I didn't have that kind of time to waste. My Husband didn't know how much more he could take, so he told me we needed to find me some help. So I did.
I found GA HOPE. It is a counseling center for people with no insurance. I made an appointment, and it was that week that I started driving. When I started, they diagnosed me with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), PASS (Post Abortive Stress Syndrome), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome-Practically the same, because it was for the same reason.) and GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). They placed me in weekly counseling at the center, weekly counseling with someone different at my house, and then I periodically had to see the nurse and doctor because they placed me on medication. (I really did not want to go on medication. I am not a huge supporter of modern medicine, but at that point, I would have tried anything.) I saw my counselor a few times and the medicine had not kicked in. On Christmas Eve-I remember-is when it kicked in. I started feeling funny, and all of a sudden everything seemed dirtier. I couldn't quick crying because it was just too much. I felt like I was going to explode. I called the doctor to see what was going on, but of course there was no answer on Christmas Eve. So we left the house. I went and spent time with my daughter-real time, for the first time in months. We went and saw family and when my Husband got off work, he came with us too. And then we came home. And everything seemed, just a little bit cleaner, like it didn't NEED to be scrubbed right that moment. It was nice. We watched movies together that night and ate popcorn, and I didn't even clean up until the next morning. What a huge step for me!
So as time passed, I continued to see them. One day, in April, I had some clothes I wanted to donate to a Women's Center, ONLY a Women's Center, because I firmly believed in helping out women who chose to keep their babies. I had some of the most Beautiful dresses I had ever seen for a little girl that the Women's Center gave me when I went in to test with Lucy, and I wanted to give them back now that my daughter had out grown them, but they could not take that size anymore. So I asked my counselor for the number to the local Women's Center. And she gave it to me. I decided to take my clothes there, and I did not know what a difference that would be in my life.
When I arrived I felt compelled to ask them if they needed volunteers. (I have never seen someone so excited about volunteers. When I asked the Women's Center in my area, I never really heard back from them.) But this lady ran all the way to the back and brought me an application and let me tour the center. That day she "hired" me. I told her I noticed the front said they offer post abortive recovery classes, and that I wanted to help in that area, because that was my passion, and she informed me they didn't have classes at all, but she wished they did.
I did not realize I would walk out that day in charge of the new post abortive classes. My job was to find or write a curriculum, find ways to "advertise" it, and then counsel the people who came in. Wow. What a job! I was SO EXCITED! I called my Husband and he was surprisingly supportive!
Without all the cleaning, I had a lot of time on my hands. :) So I began volunteering on Thursdays, and my daughter stayed with a family member. (Sometimes now she goes with me to help out, and I think it is great for her to see and be around.) I started from scratch, and based my study off of the one I completed. The study has evolved so much since then. It was a basic study, which turned into a small Bible based study, which turned into a Bible based study with videos and activities.
It wasn't long after that I met another lady at the center who had also had an abortion, and after 26 years was still processing it and had not even told her family, only us at the center. She completed an independent study, and then made the suggestion that we should also start a group Bible study. That has been a task to prep for! We trained with the Women's Center I had gone to with Lucy. It was only a one day training, and we felt we needed more, so we went on to go through the actual study in a group lead by that center. It was an amazing experience. It was 8 weeks long, with one week that we met twice, Friday night and all day Saturday. There was something powerful about being in that woman's home (the leader) with the group of women God placed me with. We went through so much together, we laughed, we cried, we shared our story, we worked on anger, we did activities together. One of my favorites had to be when we smashed our cups on the ground and had to glue them all back together. Another was when we watched the heart breaking movie, Tilly and lit candles in remembrance of our angels. Very powerful.
Each woman there has and always will have a special place in my heart. One woman, our silent observer, has such a tender heart. Everything she says is sweet and loving, and sincere. Another woman, one of our leaders, who is brave and bold and she has such a giving heart. She always knew how to make us feel special and comfortable. She made us special lunches and snacks. She gave us bags to hold our group stuff in and book covers in case we didn't want people to see what book we had. She sent cards of encouragement. She was always thinking of us. And our other group leader, she was so funny. She really added some light to the group when we were all feeling down. She knew how to make us feel like there is hope. I felt a real connection with her. God knew what he was doing when he placed those women together. And when he placed us. Every single one of us in the group was different. There was one lady, the lady that you see sitting in church on Sunday and you just think her life is perfect, that she is stuck up and rich and has it all going for her. (So you think.) She was somewhat famous in our area because she was married to a political figure of some sort, but it really made me realize that things aren't always the way you think they are. This woman was going through a lot. She was hurting for her lost child and hurting for her kids that she has now that are struggling with becoming adults. And it was so life changing to see her come in so cold at the beginning of the group. She kept asking, "Why am I here? I don't think I need to be here." To, "I know why God sent me here." She just opened up each time we met. It was amazing. And another girl, who had waited over a decade to come to group, and you could see that had just been through so much. She had a terrible self imagine. She had been in bad relationships and she was struggling to make it day to day. But to hear her, in the end, say, "I am not stupid. I am not ugly. God knows what he is doing with my life." And my dear friend that I work with at the center, all the time right beside me, going through the same steps I was, sharing our story with each other on the way home, detailing how our recovery was going...Amazing, powerful stuff. I never thought God would take us this far in only 8 months.
We will be ready to get up and running early this Spring. We already had a luncheon and talked to several of the pastor's wives in the area about what we are beginning, and I was asked to come and speak at a church in January for Sanctity of Human Life month! This church is a huge church with thousands of members in one service, and they have several services. On top of that, it will be telecasted in 3 different locations of theirs, which also have several thousand members. What an exciting day that will be! God has really turned all this around.
Let me back up, here is one of the best parts. In May of this year, before all the training, but after I began volunteering, I started having memory problems. I could not remember what day it was or even the season. I woke up in late May thinking about how Christmas was right around the corner. And one time, while driving, I forgot where I was or how I got there, so they took me off my medication. They were going to put me on a different medication, but before they did, my Husband and I decided to try and have a baby! Which was a miracle because after what happened with Lucy, we didn't feel like we deserved anymore children, and we were dead set on never having more. So that was a huge turn around. I decided not to go back on medication since you can't take it while you are pregnant, and see how I could deal without it. And I have not looked back. I stopped receiving counseling and have not had any problems since. I am still not pregnant, and although I feel down sometimes and scared because of how long it is taking, I know there is a reason for it all. God knows what is best and he has shown me time and time again.
And because of that, I am Honoring Lucy and Trusting and Serving God.
Side Note: I probably will not mention much about my daughter, Samantha, or my Husband in this blog-I have others-so I will get it all out now.
My daughter is an amazing 4 year old little girl. She loves to dance and perform and is very outgoing-big change from how shy she used to be. She is extremely smart. We homeschool her and plan to do so for the rest of her "school years." We use child lead learning, and that has proved to be very effective with her. She Loves her sister, Lucy very much. She has known about Lucy since it happened. She was around a year old at the time, so it is starting to make more sense to her as she gets older. She comforts me when I have my sad days. She helps me to honor her by assisting at the center and she helps me with things like ornaments I make her. She even writes letters to Lucy. When she sees Dandelions, she always thinks of Lucy. She knows Lucy is in Heaven, and she tells me all the time that she can't wait to meet her.
My Husband, who is also Lucy's (and Samantha's) father, is an amazing man. We have been through a lot with the anger and unforgiveness I had toward him about Lucy, but we have worked through it. He completely supports me in what I do at the Women's Center. (Although, he is not too keen on the telecasting thing yet.) He would do anything for me to be able to achieve my dreams, and that makes me very happy that I married a man like that. I am a very lucky woman.
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