Preparing to Speak

I have been busy the past few days preparing to speak on the 27th at Rocky Face Baptist.  I am trying to take my time since this will be my first time speaking. I am praying it goes well. Last night, I was up late thinking about it, and it hit me! I was instantly awake. I knew exactly what I wanted to say! I got some construction paper and a marker. That was the closest writing stuff. :) And I wrote. I wrote one page, front and back. There were messy notes everywhere. I revised it a little at the center today, and it sounds really good and meets the time window they are looking at. While I was at the center, I talked to the director about what I should bring. (I was just thinking cards.) She told me there would be a table set up for me to put information on and stand at if anybody wanted to talk to me after church. She gave me a huge box of "12 week fetal models." Apparently they got a good deal on them awhile back. She also gave me cards to go with them that have a little information on the stages of fetal development. I have 4 pamphlets, two that are about post abortion-one I made specifically for our center that details our new post abortive programs, and one that talks about God's plan for our recovery. Another pamphlet talks about other options for unexpected pregnancies, fetal development, and the types of abortions and the effects of abortion-physical and mental. I am too excited for words. This is my big chance! Who would have thought just 3 years after my abortion, I would be able to stand in front of a church and speak! God has really Blessed me in my road to recovery!

*I will post my speech after I give it. That way I can also post about how it went and all.*

 

New Business Cards

I ordered some business cards from Vista print. Since I knew I would be speaking in January, I wanted to get some cards, but I didn't want to spend a lot, so I waited until their after Christmas deals. I got 500 premium business cards with my own image attached to them AND SHIPPING for $5.00! Their deal was $5.00 for 500 cards and you could add what you wanted for free and they paid shipping, so all I paid for was the cards themselves. I will probably continue to order them through vistaprint, but it will be about $20.00 or $25.00 if they are not on sale. I am sure it will take awhile for me to go through all 500 cards. Here they are:

Dandelion Jewelry

I have been buying Dandelion jewelry to Remember Lucy since a sweet friend of mine recommended it to me a little over a year ago. I try to get a piece on Lucy's EDD and her Heaven date every year. I Love this piece because the Dandelion seeds in the bottle are so unique. And the second charm, the disc, the lady who made it, personalized it for free. It originally was meant to say, "Wish." I asked her to put, "If I had one wish..." I want to get another disk eventually, to go under the other disk that says, "I would wish for you, Dear Lucy." 

Here are some other pieces I have ordered. The necklace I ordered, the lady put, "If I had one wish..." on the front. And then on the back she put, "I would wish for you, Dear Lucy." But it broke because I wore it so much, and she doesn't sale them anymore, which is why I wanted my disk necklace to say that. 

The second piece I ordered was a bracelet. It was on a cheap string and it broke also, and now I cannot find the charm. :( So I plan to reorder it soon and maybe out it on different string.

 

Here are some pieces I want to buy in the future: 

GORGEOUS BRACELET! But it is $32.00!

Earrings to Match the Rest of the Pieces

Very Unique Necklace-Made with read Dandelion seeds!

 

Mountains and Valleys

Today was my first day of the year back at the center. It started out pretty well. I was at the top of my game starting out. I brought Samantha with me today, and we began our morning by counting some money from a fundraiser that they needed sorted and rolled. Sam learned a lot while she helped me with it. She learned her pennies, nickles, dimes, and quarters. We did some simple math while we added the money. She learned to roll change and how to use a sorting machine. We took our own sweet time, and she really enjoyed it. She was serving and learning at the same time, two of the most important things.

After that, I made some calls to places that I will be speaking at this month for Sanctity of Human Life Month. The first place is a church. The other I just called today and offered to help and she told me she would like me to speak at their Memorial Service at the Memorial for the Unborn. She is going to get back with me soon, so that is exciting!

I also worked on a pamphlet for Sanctity of Human Life Month (SHLM-because I am tired of typing it over and over) with another lady who works at the center. She is not very computer savvy, so we got in some talk time and worked together on that. We also talked about having a Walk for Life in April. (For Abortion Recovery Awareneness Month.) I told her I would Love to help her organize it. (She is the fundraising coordinator.) So we are going to start working on that soon.

Now time for the valley...I serve on Thursdays, so when they have a girl call in who is "abortion minded," they try to schedule her on Thursday-or on a day that the lady I work with for the post abortive study is there. (We will just call her K so I don't have to keep saying "the lady I work with for the post abortive study.")

Today I had my first client actually show up. I have had other abortion-minded clients scheduled to come in and talk and they were all no shows. But this lady showed up. I was super nervous because I had never spoken to anyone before, but the ladies I work with are super supportive. They just kept reminding me, "For it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." Matthew 10:20 I went in with confidence.

I obviously can't give any real details about her or her background-client confidentiality. But she was abortion minded. Her test was positive, so I went to talk to her, and she was extremely unresponsive. She had her mind made up, and there was no changing it. I had to let her go...I sent some material with her about prenatal development and post abortive stress syndrome. (I saw her reading it when I was out of the room, so maybe that is a good sign.) I will call to check on her next week.

I left the room crying and shaking hysterically. I thought I would be able to hold it together, but as soon as I left and saw our center director, I just feel into her arms sobbing. That was my first chance, and I ruined it. There are no practice rounds in this area of serving. I should have been more prepared.

But the women at the center, again, are so supportive. They reminded me that it isn't my fault and that God had it all planned before any of it happened. He knows what he is doing with her life and the life of the child inside her. (Doesn't make me hurt for either of them any less.)

I stayed for awhile after that and I talked to each one of the women at the center for awhile. I got some pointers from all of them. They told me about some of the times that they weren't successful. And they told me about the times that they were. They reassured me that there will be a day where I experience that, and that it will all be worth it.

But you know what, I know the Lord was with me-the whole day, but especially when I was in the counseling room. I was a new person today. I was more confident today. I was able to talk without being shy. I was able to assert myself and joke with the other ladies at the center and have fun. (In turn, Samantha was more outgoing as well. She really enjoyed herself at the center a lot more than usual.) And when it came time to talk to the lady I met with, I was able to look her in the eye and speak clearly. (Something I was nervous about not being able to do when it came time.) There were a few times where I lost my train of thought, went blank, and got a little bit nervous, but I stopped, took a breath, and continued. I really liked who I saw in the mirror today. I think that God is really doing a work in me so that I can do what he has called me to do.

Please play for that woman and the child inside of her. I can't say her name, but God knows who she is.

Lucy's Heaven Day

December 29th 2012 marks Lucy's 3rd year in Heaven. Though her existence was so brief, she has made a huge impact in my life and the lives of many others and many more to come. 

Saturday was was a very special day. In the morning I lit a candle in honor of Lucy, I lit two candles actually. Candles I got from her first memorial and the one I got from her group memorial. To me, one symbolizes before my healing, and the other one symbolizes after I found healing. I spent awhile praying, and thinking about her, asking God to show me more about her. She is a girl, and she has a name, but I want to know more of who she would have been. I also listened to her song, "Hey Lucy" by Skillet. And I wrote her a letter in her journal, as well as a note to leave at her Memorial.

We didn't get to go to the Memorial on Saturday because the roads iced over, and I didn't want to chance wrecking. So we went Monday morning. We didn't stay long, because it is a little awkward to me when Jessie comes. (Which is why I sometimes I try to go by myself.) So I left Lucy's note, gathered up some of her old ones I left, walked along the wall, and then signed the book and left.

The real reason that Saturday was such a special day is that I felt a real big change, but let me back up:

When I began the recovery group last Fall, one of the ladies asked the group leaders why they didn't cry when they told their story. She asked if they missed their babies anymore. And they both answered no. I was really shocked. Then one of the ladies went on to say that now she just feels love and excitement, love for her child, and excitement about getting to see him one day. I couldn't believe she said that because I just couldn't imagine letting go like that.

Well, Saturday night, I had some alone time, and I was just going to allow myself to cry for her and to miss her. I went through her journal and looked at her ultrasound and just thought about her, but all that kept coming to mind is how happy I am that I am where I am now, doing what I have a passion for, being able to help other women. And that I Love her, and I can't wait to see her again, because I know I will. And it isn't that I am glad that I did what I did, but I am glad her life lead me where it did. I finally knew what those ladies were talking about.

Then it hit me. That is what the whole last year has been about! I had to deal with everything, including that longing for her, before I could move forward, in anything, with the counseling at the Women's Center, with anything having to do with my family. So I did. I let her go. And last night, as we were waiting to bring in the New Year, I felt this peace, like everything is going to be okay. Like I CAN move forward, and this year, I WILL move forward.

 

I will always love her and remember her and share her with others, and I still have that passion to help others, even moreso now, but it is like everything just suddenly changed. My heart quit that aching feeling, I just stopped having that overwhelming emotion of...longing.

She isn't "the baby I had an abortion with." That thought doesn't come to my mind when I think about her over the last several days. She is just my baby, in Heaven, watching me, waiting for me. 

It is a nice feeling. A different feeling. I don't remember the last time I felt so...free....

Another thing that made Lucy's Heaven Day so special to me, is that this year, I had someone to celebrate it with me. Hannah, whom I have mentioned before, made a very sweet blog post for Lucy. It was really special to read that. And to know someone else is thinking of her on her day. Here it is:

http://www.roseandherlily.com/2012/12/luke-and-lucy.html

She also sent me a card and a small gift for Lucy's Heaven Day. The card was Beautiful, from a line specifically meant for people who have lost their babies, and it had a super personal message inside. I Love cards because they are one of the most personal gifts somebody could give. She also sent a magnet with a painting on it. It is a Beautiful painting that symbolizes a mother longing for her child. At least, that is how I see it. It is called "Gone Too Soon."

What a great friendship we have developed in a little over a month. I hope we continue to email and maybe work together one day. And all this because of an envelope I saw on the wall. 

This is the little area I have for her on my dresser. It has cards I received from others with encouragement or remembrance. The cup that we broke and glued back together is up there, along with some books about abortion and her plaque from the Memorial.

This is where I lit her two candles.

This is my refrigerator. I generally write a new Bible verse once a week, depending on what sort encouragement I think somebody in the family needs, and this was the verse for Lucy's Day. I also displayed my card and magnet from Hannah.

Here is a close-up of the magnet.

This is a picture Hannah took of the candle she lit for Lucy. Absolutely Beautiful.

And the cover to the card that Hannah sent.

Third Christmas Without Lucy and Anniversary Triggers

Yesterday was Christmas. I am not going to lie, it went pretty well. Lots and lots of distractions. But in the back of my mind, I am always thinking about Lucy. I didn't go to her Memorial today. Sometimes I do on Christmas. Sometimes I don't. It depends if I feel like I NEED to. Today I didn't, but with Lucy's anniversary being 4 days away, I know I will need to on Saturday. And I am a little anxious. Like it will be different this time...And I am not sure why.

Speaking of anxious...I stay anxious.

Between this year and last, I feel like I am slowly descending into madness. Last year's anniversaries being one of the things that triggered my OCD, and this year's anniversary...As it nears, I just feel anxious. About everything. About the whole end of the world thing...Everybody saying that aliens will be coming to visit us in our lifetime. That there will be a war among them...That our nation will fail soon because of this whole healthcare thing...(I believe pretty much anything anybody tells me unfortunately.) And that puts me in a constant state of anxiety. I am fearful all the time that someone is going to break in the house and shoot us. Don't get me wrong. We live in one of the safest neighborhoods in the area. We live right across from the police department, and when we talked to the police, they said that they never have to go to our area because as far as they can remember, nothing has happened on our road. So I don't know why, but the last few days, if Jessie isn't home, I get extremely paranoid, moreso than usual. One day we spent the entire day in the room because I thought that I felt soap fall in the bathroom and the cat was in my lap and Sam was asleep. It scared me to death, so after 2-1/2 hours, I took Jessie's shot gun, scanned the house, and then went to Sam's room, got a ton of toys and food from the kitchen, and I woke her up and we just played in the room all day. Another day, the attic creaked, so we left the house and didn't come back until Jessie came home and checked the attic. I am just so tired of feeling this way...

I didn't really like going to counseling all the time at HOPE or being on the medication, so I am trying to find my own "distractions" like I had to do to get off the medicine I was taking for OCD. So far, all I have come up with, is that in the mornings, when Jessie leaves for work, I instantly turn music on the television. It is loud enough that I won't hear every little noise. But it is quiet enough that the noises on the TV don't make me think I hear other noises and scare me...

This may all sound really crazy, and I don't like it one bit, but if I don't do something about it, I am going to lose my mind.

Christmas and Lucy

Christmas is the time of year that I really try to Remember Lucy, since December 29th is her "Heaven Day." (Thanks to Hannah, for showing me a better name for it.) Sometimes Christmas can be hard since the 29th is just 4 days after, but over the last few years, it has gotten easier.

Every year, since 2010, I have made her the same ornament. It is a purple angel. I always use a different material. The first year I used a pastel purple material and sewed it together to make a pillow ornament because the year before that we had learned to make those at school. The second year, I did a salt dough ornament because Samantha and I made salt dough ornaments. This year, I used some of the leftover wood from doing the floor. Jessie cut it out with a Skill Saw and I painted it and used a knife to carve her name and a Bible verse that reminds me the most of her-Jeremiah 29:11. The verse that got me through so much. I used it in the post abortive study that I wrote and I have it posted above my bed. Everytime I hear Jeremiah 29:11, I think how God had a plan for us all before we were born, even Lucy.

I chose purple because the same year we lost Lucy, my Papaw was shot. He was in the hospital for a very long time, and while he was in there, I made him a "Purple Heart" pillow. Purple reminds me of her because that is a color that I connect to that point in my life. And now I use it for her all the time. I even use Purple Dandelions as our symbol for the Post Abortive Ministry at the Center to Honor Lucy.

And I chose an Angel, because she is my Angel.

This year, though, Hannah, whom I met through her link to her blog at the Memorial for the Unborn, and I are swapping ornaments also. So I made one for her Luke. I did the same with hers, but used what reminds her of him. A green butterfly with Psalms 147:3 Attached to each one of the ornaments (Lucy's and Luke's) I put a paper that says:

In Memory of Luke Shiloh/Lucy Marie,
Who Lives Forever in the Heart of his/her Mom,
But Rests in the arms of the Lord.
Matthew 5:4

("Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.")

I just received mine from Hannah in the mail today. It is BEAUTIFUL! I really Love i! It is a clear ornament with purple pom poms inside. And a paper that says Lucy in Gorgeous text. It has dandelions on it. I really just Love it. It means a lot to me. Thank you, Hannah!

Hannah also sent me something for Lucy's heaven Day, but I can't open it until the 29th. I am anxious to open it. Thanks again, Hannah!

Here are some pictures.  

Lucy's 2010 Ornament and Pillow

Lucy's 2011 Ornament

Lucy and Luke's 2012 Ornaments