#AbortionTriggers #FrontLine

Um, this is hard to type. It has been awhile, but I'm going to type every word that comes into my thoughts as I am thinking it.

Seven years.

I mean, the further away I get from being that scared teenager, the less it seems to hurt.

And, um, it actually seems longer than 8 years.

And at the same time, I can't believe my Little Girl would be 7. Like just turning 7. So many questions I have still.

When I had Sara, it seemed like a lot of that hurt washed away. I felt like God made me suffer. But then afterward he washed me clean.

The burden was lifted.

I experienced pregnancy and a Beautiful birth. I was able to nurse her and mother her the way I always wanted to mother an infant. Our family was perfect-as perfect as it could be without Lucy.

But then Sara was just so hard. And I wanted so bad to have balance back in my life. So I left the front line-fighting for Life. Now Lucy seems further than ever before.

Some days that is freeing. Some days I feel a pang of guilt because I don't feel guilty, for being free, I mean.

And today is the first day I have been triggered in years. And the fear and sadness and anger, it just came rushing back in all at once. And I remembered my story. I remember being terrified and keeping secrets and the relief after and self loathing after that. And the pain and regret and wanting to be dead. And the grief and the suffering. I remember the sleepless nights and the countless tears. And wishing my Husband would leave and never come back.

I was one of the lucky ones. I found hope and healing and my marriage is better than I ever imagined. It is full of love and balance and God, which is the most I could ever ask for.

During those years of suffering, I wrote a blog post on my Susie Homemaker blog. It was called, "These Things Take Time." And, as I read it, I was surprised at how lost I felt. I haven't felt that way in so long-it seems. In my blog, I just kept saying who I wanted to be, where I wanted to live, what I wanted my home to look like. And it is that-and more.

I have hear the odds somehow-the odds of two very high risk situations. A teen pregnancy/marriage and a marriage lasting through abortion. And how? I will tell you how. God. There is a plan. And I have been telling my Husband that since before I got pregnant the first time.

So,

I want to be back on that front line, but I feel like God is preparing me for it, and I can't go back in without his signal. But how do I stand idly by when there is so much pain out there? So many babies being aborted. So many women living in bondage. So much abuse and unforgiveness to the children who were born before and after their abortions? How can I watch from the sidelines?

If not me, then who? If not now, then when?

I can't lose touch with that scared teenage girl who was newly married with a baby, still in high school to boot. Those days may be over, but they shaped me. December 29, 2009 I learned a lot about Life and about the decisions we make and the effect they have on eternity. I can't live in content and blissful ignorance for the remainder of my life. I want to be back on the front lines remembering my story and helping Lucy change the World.

I Am Taking Him Now

Here is the poem I wrote after my dream the other night:
It is Match 1, 2016. A little over a year since I had that dream. And I am just posting it. Because it finally came true.

I am Taking Him Now

Lucy,
It was nice to see your Angel Face today.
Dark hair. Dark skin. Your eyes.
You look just like your sister.

Holding you up against my chest.
Savoring every breath
While I held
Your angel body.

Warmth flooded my veins.
With Love that overcame my shame.
I was whole again.
If only for a minute.

Lucy, I am taking him now.
Is that okay?
I know you just found out today,
But I promise
He is safe with me.
Unlike you.

We will love him like we love you now.
Give him everything we can.
We will tell him about the God we found.
And hold his little hand.
He will experience everything you never did.
But I know you want for him.

Lucy,
I'm sorry you were second.
And he
Is third.
You had to suffer what you did not deserve.
And now you have to sit and wait.
For the return of the ones you love.

But Lucy, you won't believe the impact you are making from above.
You and God are the reason a woman has found her peace after 50 years of shame.
You and God are the reason a Baby is breathing in the arms of his new Mom.
You and God are the reason for our future son.

You are not alone where you are at.
God is with you every day.
You have family up there too and I can only imagine what they had to say,
When they saw your Angel Face.
A baby they never knew existed,
But was waiting up above.

Lucy,
You know I Love You.
I feel it every day.
But I am taking Little Brother now.
We will all be back again some day.

Give him hugs and kisses.
Leave some extra ones for me.
I need enough to last a lifetime, so
Be generous please.

The four of us will see you soon.

Love,
Mom

I Miss You. I am Taking Brother. I am Sorry. I am Taking Brother.

Dreams of Little Ones

I had the most amazing, healing dream last night. Having a dream about a child you lost is incredible. To see them, hold them, love them. But having a dream about the child you lost AND your future child, that is a whole other Blessing in itself.

I don't remember much of it, but here is what I do.

I remember dealing with doctors and newborn. And I remember her, the doctor, telling me it was simply acid reflux and that he would be fine. I remember a wave of fear washed out of me. (Assuming that came from the dealing with Samantha's cyclic vomiting.) I looked at my little girl, "big sister." I assumed she was Samantha, but she was still tiny. Looked like a Baby herself. (Nothing like I ever pictured Lucy, because to be honest, I never pictured her as a Baby, just as a child.) She had black hair. Quite a bit darker than Samantha's hair was when she was born, but the same dark skin and squinted eyes Samantha had. I remember picking her up and soaking in being able to hold her. (What confused me at first when I woke up was that I wasn't holding my newborn. I was holding her.) We both looked at "brother's" head wobbling. He was even smaller than her. But same traits. Black hair, dark skin, squinted eyes. (Don't ask why. We are both blonde haired and decently pale.) I said, "Come on, let's go teach little brother how to sit up. We began to walk out of the room together. I thought we were going to the same place, but the little girl in my arms kept trying to reach for her brother. She whined a little bit and I said, "Oh, it's okay. You will see him again one day. Tell brother bye for now." And she did. And she reached for him and hugged him. He hugged her too. But she didn't kiss him....She licked him. lol I looked at the doctor in shock and awe of this relationship the two of my children had already built. But she didn't seem surprised at all. The boy left the room (somehow in my arms) and the girl was left behind. My dream stopped there. 

When I woke up, I had no time to process the dream. Even though I had set my alarm for 7:15, it didn't go off until 7:30, exactly when my dream ended. (I have never had a dream that actually ended.) Once I finished getting my Husband ready for work, I had some time to sit and ponder and pray about it. And I started feeling like that wasn't my daughter, Samantha. That was Lucy. And that little boy was our baby. Part of me inside is a little sad. I always wanted all girls. But another part of me is just jumping full of joy at the fact that we WILL have another. That he is on his way! And that I got to see my Lucy once again. And hold her too! I remember how it felt to hold her. Warmth flooded my body. Love rushed through me. Holding her little body seemed to make me whole again. What a Blessing.

May be a little bit much information, but I ovulated yesterday. Hasn't really been on my mind though because of vacation and well, everything is in full swing, so we have been busy. I would say that the dream came from obsession, but I am not obsessing. I feel like God gave me that dream. It may not mean that we will definitely have a boy. Or that I will definitely get pregnant this month. I am not saying that at all, but there is something behind it. And I am praying we find out very soon.

The face of both my angels looked so similar to the one below. This looks nothing like my S now, but it is her for sure. I always pictured Lucy a lot like Samantha. I assumed because she was all I ever knew. But now I am starting to think they really do favor.

Quit Asking "Why?" and Rejoice

Today is Sanctitiy of Human Life Sunday. This day is always a day I look forward to. Another chance to share my story. Another chance for God to keep bringing amazing women into my life. And another day for me to Honor my child.

Often times I used to think of how cruel it was for God to give me a child, knowing what I would do to her. Obviously God knew she would never walk this Earth. Obviously he knew she would never even be born. But why would he do that? And seeing as I am a firm believer in us choosing our own paths, sometimes I wonder why Lucy would sacrifice her life like that. (My beliefs may offend some people. And I never once mean to say that I am happy that I aborted my child. In fact, I regret it every day when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. But there is nothing I can do to change that.) The only thing I can do is to allow God to turn it into something Beautiful. If He can turn something as horrific as abortion into something beautiful, what could he NOT turn into something Beautiful?....Nothing.

I think of all that has happened in my life. And as much as I'd like to think the birth of my most perfect little S turned my life around, I can't help but wonder if that was only the start of it all. *Dramatic Pause*

I didn't really grow in leaps and bounds until I suffered from the tragic loss of my child. (Yes, loss. Again with the offending people. Unless you have been there, stop cringing.) So many things have changed for me. My Life is changed forever. But how could someone who never even took their first breath. Who technically wasn't even FULLY formed, change a life-Forever?

Believe it. Because she did. She changed every move I make. She is the reason I wake up in the morning and I give it my all in Homeschooling and being a Wife. She made me realize how important it is to savor every moment possible with my child. She made me realize how important putting hair in pigtails really is. She made me realize what is there one moment can be gone the next. To never do anything I think I might regret. (Although sometimes I fall short on that one.) She made me realize how strong my marriage can be. She made me realize how amazing of a man my Husband is. Sure, he messed up too. He made a mistake. And at one time I thought I would always hate him for that. But how can you hate a man who apologizes for being wrong. Who repents to God for what he has done. Who holds you at night when you cry and even sheds some tears of his own? How can you hate a man who supports every pro life effort. A man who tells you that it's okay to be on call when for a girl who has an unplanned pregnancy. A man who lets you share your story, even at the risk that someone he knows may find out and judge him for it. A man who lets you do whatever you feel God has asked you to do to make that Life matter. And how can not forgive someone and expect God to forgive you? The answer is simple. You. Can't.

She is the reason I volunteer my time. The reason I drive to Dalton every week and prepare speeches and studies and which college we are going to next. The reason I can speak to and understand the women who come in who feel alone and scared. She is the reason I can have compassion for somebody no matter what they have done. (Yes. I mean that. I do believe I am the only person who feels compassion for the man who shot my grandfather. I know we all mess up and none of us choose the temporary "insanity" we suffer from.)

She is the reason that I have met so many amazing, Christian women who have helped me grow closer to God. The reason I have bonds with women whom I would otherwise never have known.

She is the reason I got up this morning and told my story in front of an entire church of strangers, as well as two of the most influential, supportive women in my Life. (Whom I thought I was helping to Heal. But really they were helping me too the whole time.)

She is the reason I entered the Memorial for the Unborn today. And the reason I shook hands with Julie Norman, the daughter of legendary Zig Zigglar and listened to her story with awe. As I sat at the Memorial, I looked around the room. I saw the faces of women who were smiling and rejoycing that their children were ever here to begin with. And I saw the faces of women who were still suffering. Many of the faces inside the Memorial looked familiar. Friends and acquaintenses I have made over the last 4 years. Women who have made all the difference in who I am. As I sat inside the NMU, I listened to a story of Hope. I was encouraged.

I thought about all the Joy this child has brought into my Life. If not for her, I would have never realized how precious Life is. I would never have entered the world of Hope and Healing. WEC Dalton would still not have a Recover Study. My friend, D, would never have been at church the day I told my story. She never would have known that other women suffer. Maybe that is why Lucy sacrificed her life. Not just for me, for her sister. Her Dad. For these women. Because the impact she is making is just as big a wave as if she were here today. As I thought about all that wouldn't have happened, I realized that God not only put that child in my womb, but he put her in my Heart so that I could grow in Him. So that I could learn to Love more. So I could learn to BE for a greater purpose. He didn't WANT me to abort her, but he KNEW I would. And he gave me her anyway. That doesn't dismiss what I did. In fact I still think of all the "never will happens" with her being gone. Without her here, she will never have her first Christmas, first hair cut. She will never have children of her own. But those are all things I don't know anyway. She could have passed away before her birth. She could have passed away in her first year. I HAVE to focus on what IS or the guilt will eat me alive.

Today is Sanctity of Human Life Sunday and 5 years after I lost her, I realize that my mourning must be over. All I can do now is quit asking God why and rejoice that she was ever there to begin with.

December is Hard

December is hard on me. It always is. But this year I thought I would be better. I don't get bothered by EDDs or Anniversaries anymore. So I expected that December would come and go this year just like August has in years past. But it hasn't.

I don't know if it is a mixture of losing Lucy, the drab winter weather, which has actually been more pleasant than in years past, or maybe a bit to do with trying to have another child. My fingers crossed that it would happen this month. I want nothing more than to give Samantha a sibling for Christmas, and in the same month that she lost a sibling just 5 years ago. I know it wouldn't replace her, but it would be a nice way to Remember her. My cycle is going extremely long this time, which never happens to me, but all negative tests, so that has me dragging a bit, just waiting for the days to go by so that I can test "just one more time." This past week has been nothing but wishing the days would pass. Nothing would break my heart more than to find out this is not the month. Especially not after this little "hiccup" in timing.

I don't feel like doing anything. I wake up. I lay in bed. So not like me. I usually have a million things running through my mind. Things that need to get done. Clean the house. Budget. Meal plan. Work for the Center. The list is never ending. But I just...lay there. No motivation to get up. This never happens to me. When I finally wake S up, I don't feel like doing much of anything. Sometimes I force myself to. Other days...I say, "Well, we took the day off "school" because we weren't really feeling it today. In reality, I just didn't feel like facing life that day. So we play video games...or nap. I know this all makes me sound so lazy. If my Husband found out, I'm not quite sure he wouldn't feel so confident about me staying home. I am not sure if he would understand this is not normal. But I don't know what is wrong with me. After I cook dinner, I take my bath, and that is it. I can't even remember what I used to do most afternoons to relax. Sometimes I would read if I had a book. But I don't feel like reading lately. Either silently or even to S before bed. I force myself for her, but not more than a chapter, whereas we were eating up several chapter books a week just last month. But one chapter is that is if I don't fall asleep before she is ready for me to lay her down. December hit, and that was it for me.

Like I said, I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know how to fix this. I don't want to be a bad Mom or a lazy Mom. I don't want to be unproductive. That is NOT me. I am one of the most obsessively productive people I know. But December is just...December and I don't like it one bit. I wish it would pass because I just don't know how much more December I can take.

I am looking for a place to let it out and I know this is one of my most inactive Blogs...I just need to do a little breathing. So...breathing I am doing.

Just when you think you are completely healed. It happens every time. To me. The holidays. They are a tough one on me. Seeing small babies in their cute winter, holiday outfits. Seeing adorable toddlers icing cookies and attempting to sing Christmas toons. Those commercials. That one commercial, the Silent Night diaper commercial. Always makes me cry. Every year S gets older, I feel like I am further and further away from My Lucy. I know it doesn't make sense to some people, but it does to me. Somehow, Samantha's babyhood was my link to Lucy's. I wasn't really "missing" the stages at that time because S was pretty much still going through them. Now...She is a kid.

With this whole baby thing again AND the holidays, it just...complicates things-a lot. It physically hurts me to see pictures of small children wearing holiday clothing and doing holiday things. It hurts me from my heart to the deepest part of my stomach. It is this horrible pain. Like I am going to be sick. And I need to cry. I can't tell if it is because I want a Baby or because I had a Baby. I can't tell which of the two is missing. The past or the future. Maybe a little bit of both.

And although we have only been trying a little over a month, it seems like eternity because of that whole year we didn't succeed. Then all the "in between." And now this. I don't know what I am saying. I just am having a hard time getting a handle on WHY I am going through this. WHAT is it God is trying to show me. What is he waiting for? If I lean on him a little more, what will the results be? What lies before me?

Yes, I am forever grateful that I have a wonderful Husband and child and that we are even in a position to try for another baby. I am grateful that I get to see my Little Girl grow up, and do her hair, and take her to look at dolls-hopefully American Girl soon! And if I never have another child again I will Thank My God and savor what he gave me. But I still feel like a piece is missing. I will always be Happy with my S, but Lucy will always be missing and this child is still Missing. (Yes, to me, she exists. The very thought of her life makes her in existence to me.)  I have two pieces gone and it is causing me lots of pain. Even over our last year of "not trying," I think about it all the time. And that is why I told my Husband, this is something meant to be. I couldn't let it go. Even in that year's time, I couldn't let it go.

I have had to remove myself from most media, including Facebook. I have to look away when I see small children. And I can't even hold a baby. When will this end? Will it ever end? Or will I always have this overwhelming sense of sadness during the holidays?

My Whole Life's Dictation

Foster care and children have been on my mind a lot lately. God, what  are you calling me to do? One minute I feel like you are telling me to connect with my Husband and have as many children as you bless us with. Then I think, "If that is true, why haven't we had more children in well over a year?" I know you have us face trials, but how do I know what is the way? And Lord, what about fostering? Can we do that in a 3 bedroom house if you give us 4 more kids? What is it that you are calling us to do? We are in a waiting period. We are raising our only living child to the best of our ability and we don't know what is coming next. Is this all you are asking of us? Do you want more?

Then I realized....My entire life since that day in December 2009 has been dictated by my abortion. My. Entire. Life.

Some of those things were by the devil. He took my situation and tried to send me into a downward spiral. My depression. My attachment. My solitude. My OCD. And I truly believe the hard time that we have had having more children is due to my abortion...But other decisions and events were God taking my weeping and turning it into joy.

Every major decision we have made has been because of Lucy. We chose to move out of my Mom's house as soon as my Husband found a better paying job because we couldn't be in that house anymore with this secret looming over us. Satan, I am sure, loved to watch us struggle, paycheck to paycheck. Crying when it snowed because I knew he wouldn't get paid for that day, but we had not a dime to spare. But we stayed faithful and God Blessed us. I was able to stay home and we were always able to pay our bills on time. Jessie found a job that paid much better and made him happier. We were even able to buy a house just 2 years later. A house that opened up space for us to use for HIM. It has given us space to have the Recovery Bible study and an extra room for someone to stay in while they get on their feet. I want to use my house for God, and that is what we have done.

I even chose to homeschool at first because of selfish reasons. I was attached to my only living child because I had lost My Lucy. I couldn't let go of my Samantha for even just a minute. And slowly, God turned my selfish reasons into selfless reasons. For God. For relationship. For education. For living a free life, unprocessed. But I digress. I can't imagine our life differently. Not only has the decision to homeschool changed our life as a family, but Samantha's future, and I believe it is for the better. God has turned my weeping into joy, yet again. I have a better relationship with my child than I ever could have imagined because the loss of My Lucy has made me realize just how important those little moments are.

The whole reason I started volunteering and leading the Bible study are because of my experiences. At first I think it is possible I was just trying to serve my way out of my Sin, but I have come a long way in just a few years. I want to help others receive the healing that I have. I started speaking because I want others to know they are not alone. I have met SO MANY MANY wonderful women that I never would have met had I not lost My Lucy. T'hey will NEVER replace Lucy. Nothing ever will, but there is something comforting in the fact that her Life has FOREVER changed mine, no matter what happened to her, her Life has still made one of the greatest impacts on me that any life has, and I am seeing that it is making an impact on others all over.

And now we are facing this whole child issue. We have placed it in God's hands, but it is hard to not keep pulling back and saying, "Okay, so what now? What is going to happen? Should we expect you to give us more children? What does the future look like?" I know my life-our lives are still being effected by what happened. We have discussed it time and time again. When Samantha is older, we want to foster and help an "unwanted" child. We want to give them a home that loves them and wants them there. I want to give Samantha that sister that she missed out on. I want the child we adopt to have that family unit she missed out on, I want Lucy to continue making a difference, because Lucy's Life has meaning.

Lucy's. Life. Is. Beautiful.

Sibling Trouble

It was getting easier, everything was. My struggles were becoming part of my past and I was able to talk about my Lucy with a renewed spirit. Then my daughter said this, "If you hadn't let Lucy die, I would have a little sister!" Of course she said it out of anger and now she regrets it. She keeps trying to take it back and say that she doesn't want a sister. She wants to be an only child. "I like it. I really do." We tried to give Samantha a little sister and God just didn't it fit last year or the year before. So my Husband and I just gave it up to God and said, "Do whatever you will with us. Give us no more. Give us 10 more. Allow us to adopt. Don't allow us to adopt. Your will." That was 3 months ago. It still hurts. It isn't so much, "We aren't pregnant this month," that hurts. I am a big girl. I can wait. It is the fear that the one thing in this world my daughter asks for, I won't be able to give her. What if I never will? Will she hate me forever? She had a chance at a sister, and I ruined it. Did I take that privilege away forever?

I have been having flashbacks to when I found out I was pregnant. It just hit me. I have really been pregnant twice. There are two ways that it could have went. We could have been happy, told everyone with a cute announcement, talked it up to our daughter about being a big sister, read her all the books...But we didn't. It went the other way. She never knew until it was too late. And instead of watching Mommy's belly grow and holding her hand to it to feel kicks, she had to watch Mommy cry herself to sleep at night for months.

And yes, she has seen me overcome most of the pain, but when will it all end? Will my abortion continue to come back and haunt me? How could I be so careless to throw away the life of my little one and possibly any future children?

I am praying and saying, "God, I will accept what you throw at me. I will be one of those Moms who undertakes a family of 12 if I have to. If that is what you want." But it is hard when you feel like God is saying, "No. You had your chance. I will not entrust you with another life." I feel like God is rejecting me. When I know he might just be calling me to greater things, like fostering and adopting-which we want to do. But that is a long time away. A few years at least. Lord, just one baby. I just wish I could have one more baby to hold and to nurse. To be my own because I Missed that with my Lucy. I Missed that. And I Want That. I Need That. But it feels like I will never get that. And neither will Samantha.

WEC Banquet 2013

This year's banquet for the Women's Enrichment Center was an amazing and inspirational night.

It was Monday night at 6:30. The purpose of the banquet was to help raise money. (Our Center is strictly run off of outside donations and we only have few part time staff members, so it is 90% volunteers.) It was also to inform volunteers on what our Center is about. 

This is my second year at the Center, and the Director asked me to share my testimony. My Husband attended with me for support. He is always there for support, and I adore him for that. Even though I know he is still not 100% comfortable with me "announcing" it, he understands that I do it so that others will know the dangers of NOT knowing the reality. And also what happens when you have made that choice. He held my hand and calmed me. He prayed for me, and he cried with me. I could never ask for a better support system than the one I already have. 

Our daughter, who is the other half of my support, did not attend because she would have been the only child there, and I just thought people would respond better if we didn't have a child in tow that we were trying to teach "proper etiquette" to. She behaves well and always roots me on, but I just didn't feel the banquet was the best place for that. (Unfortunately, we must conform sometimes so that people will get a good first impression and respond better.) 

To my surprise, I walked onto the stages without any nerves. I was able to say my speech without shaking or looking down a lot. God has done a lot of work in my Life. He has given me the strength, over time, that I need to better serve Him. 

I never in my wildest imagination would believe that God had called me to share my story publicly in hopes that Our Lucy would have an impact on the decisions of others. But one day in early Fall 2012, a Angel sent by God forced me to step out of my comfortable box and into the Purpose that He planned for my Life. 

There was a video testimony and a testimony from another girl who came to our Center last year, abortion minded, and chose Life for her Baby, who is now a Beautiful, almost 1 year old, little girl. 

The Closer's called to action in a very moving way. Everybody was noticeably touched by the entire evening.  

We had an amazing turn out, from what I am hearing. There were over 300 people, which is huge for our town, and we raised a good portion of the money that we need to run for another year. I also hear there are several people interested in volunteering. We will see what this next 12 months has to hold for us.

Side Note: Speaking of the next 12 months, K and I will be start our first Recovery Group this October, and there are already a few women who have showed interest. I sympathize knowing that they went through that sort of pain, but I can't help but be excited for them because, as our leaders told us, we know what is coming! The Light!

We are doing a little training, a conference in October and also Sheila Harper, the author of the Recovery Study we are leading, will be coming to our Center for the day to train the entire staff-for free! What a Blessing to help prepare us better! Proof that God has plans for the Women in our town to find the Healing, Forgiveness, and Closure that they need. 

Here is the speech that I had written down. 

Here was my speech on video. 

How God Called Me To Speak

Early last year, Fall of 2012, my Center Director asked if I would speak in front of a few of pastors' wives at a luncheon we were having to inform others about our Center. "Really? Me? U-U. No way! No how!" is what I wanted to say, but I didn't. I just said, "Um. Okay. But I can't promise it will be anything good." She told me not to prepare anything, but that it would be a casual lunch with a few women. 

Apparently, what she meant was, "Don't prepare anything if you are used to talking in front of other people," because I was a bundle of nerves the morning of, with absolutely no clue what I wanted to say. 

I walked in the doors, nervous. I had only been at the Center a couple of months and didn't know exactly what to do or how to help. They told me to just sit down and relax, so I did. I met a nice lady who talked to me and assuaged my fears a bit. (At the time I had no clue that she was a member of our board, or more importantly, and angel sent by God.) 

I stood up when my time came, and I shook the entire time as I stumbled through the words trying to find what to say. Here is what my testimony sounded like, "My name is Brittany. I had an abortion, um, uh, back in 2009. I had lots of problems afterward. And I decided to um, find help. Which helped me find this Center. I decided to volunteer. And we did a Bible study recovery, and it really helped." Yah. Eloquent, right? I sounded like a Kindergartener. The lady I partner with for our Recovery Group stood with me and then spoke as soon as I finished. She had her little note cards and she spoke so clearly and with passion about the Recovery Group we were starting.

Afterward, I found my way back to my seat, heart still pumping, mind racing..."How stupid I must have just sounded? Revealing so emotionlessly and plainly that I had aborted my second child?" My new friend smiled and thanked me for my bravery. She told me that I spoke well and that she wanted me to come share at her church. 

What she saw in me, I do not know to this day, what it could have been. The woman who spoke beside me was so much more...prepared for this sort of thing, clearly. But I accepted her request. How could I tell her no? And in January 2013, I shared my story for one of the first times in front of a large crowd of people. From then on, I knew my Purpose.

I KNEW that God had just then turned something as ugly as abortion into something Beautiful, something that could potentially save lives or help others to heal. 

I believe in Guardian Angels now, because mine appeared to me just 12 short months ago and revealed to me what I was called to do, something in my wildest dreams would have never thought God would ask me to dedicate my life to. 

But I realized that TOO MANY women made that choice oh so many years ago and have been silenced. TOO MANY young people are being lied to about what abortion really is. We need to speak up. We need to speak out. We need to Remember our Children and what a difference their short lives made and are still making. So I said, "Yes," to God. And I haven't looked back since. 

I recently saw the woman I met that day, at the annual banquet for the Center. I feel so close to her, and I have only seen her 5 times. I feel like I have known her forever. She is so supportive and loving. Always telling me that she has more places for me to share and that she wants to go with me, sit by my side, and support me all the way. A woman that she barely knows, never met before Fall of last year. She so quickly took me under her wing and so willingly supported me, encouraged me, and loved me despite my past. Wouldn't it be amazing if we were all like that? 

WEC Banquet Speech

Here is my most recent speech for my Center's Banquet. I am very nervous since a lot rides on this Banquet, so feedback is appreciated. :)

I am a survivor.

My name is Brittany, and I am a volunteer here at the Women’s Enrichment Center. I do everything from counting donations to speaking, and helping Karen here start up our post abortive counseling, which she will come up and share about in a few minutes.

Tonight, I want to share my story with you all in hopes that you will be able to see the importance of our efforts here at the Center, and also the extreme need for it.

I am 21 years old. And I have been married for 6 years. Together, my Husband and I have two children. One of those children is in Heaven. Her name is Lucy.

On December 20th, 2009, I found out I was pregnant-for the second time. I just remember being so….scared. I had never been so terrified in my life. And when you are scared like that, your mind just goes racing. You don’t feel like you have time to stop and think about what is going on. You just have to “fix it” the best way you know how. And it just seems like, it won’t work out. No matter what happens, IT WON’T WORK. We couldn’t keep our baby.  Nobody could even know I was pregnant. So, We had only one choice, we thought.

I was in such a daze, it didn’t even occur to me that there was a child inside of me, a child made by God with a heartbeat and a purpose. It was my job to protect my child, but by time I realized that, I was too late. I had an abortion. December 29th, 2009, just 9 days after I found out, was the last time that I held my precious child safely inside of me.

At the clinic, we waited for what seemed like hours before I was called back for my ultrasound. And when they did, right at that moment I felt so trapped. Like there was no turning back. So, I went. I don’t remember walking to the back. I just remember that I somehow ended up in the ultrasound room. And the next thing I remember was being told that I was about 6-1/2 weeks. My heart sunk as I saw her circle the word “Yes” under Cardiac Activity. Because then I knew. I knew. I had such a perfectly healthy life inside of me, and soon she would be gone.

After my ultrasound, they went through a few more tests and then sent me back in a room full of other women who were all there for the same thing…a solution, a cup full of pills.

As they passed around the consent papers, they also handed out those tiny little cups and repeated instructions on what to do and how to do it. What to expect and how to cope with the pain. And as I stared at that pill I thought of all the reasons I felt I HAD to do this. So I took it.

I left that building so ashamed of myself. I already wanted to take it back. All I could think about is how….MAYBE, somehow it didn’t work. Maybe I could have a second chance.

For two years I suffered in silence.  I buried my secret and I tried to burry all of the many emotions that go along with it. After the passing of what would have been her 1st birthday, I just broke. I couldn’t handle the pain any longer. I felt anxious all the time and I had to be cleaning, always. I guess to fill that void. But it didn’t work. I hit the bottom, and when I did, the Lord was there to pick me back up and help me put myself back together. “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest….My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

There is healing after abortion. And that is where my true healing began.

I was lead to start counseling and through my counselor I found WEC of Dalton. It wasn’t long after that I began serving. I knew this is where I belonged. I was rearin’ to go and help other women find their Healing.

I THOUGHT I had found my healing on my own and through my counseling, but I still had a ways to go. I attended a Save One Recovery Group, which I thought was just going to be “training” for me to help lead our own groups. Turns out, I received more healing than I thought I needed. I found forgiveness. I completely resolved my anger. And I now know the daughter I lost. She has a sex, a name, and her short life now has purpose. Most importantly, I found Peace in the Lord.

Now I stand here today to tell you that if I had it to do all over again, I would give my child the gift of LIFE, the gift that every child deserves, regardless of their family background or situation. If I had told somebody I was pregnant and considering abortion and I received the same understanding and loving guidance that the women who come into our Center receive, I would have a miracle 3 year old child standing next to me today, but I don’t. That is okay though because God gives us all lessons to learn and through me, he has used Lucy for a greater purpose.

Isn’t that what it is about? Being part of a purpose? A woman I know once told me, “Without LIFE, we have nothing.” (Repeat) Nothing. Lives are being saved inside the walls of this Center. Lives that are uniquely and wonderfully made by God. We are all called to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. Why not start with LIFE?

Lucy's Garden

Summer is here, which for me means time to finally start Lucy's Butterfly garden that we have been planning for almost a year now.

In my head everything is going to be so perfect and beautiful. We bought two purple butterfly bushes and planted them, because purple reminds me of Lucy, as do Butterflies. Eventually I want to fill it so full of flower that you can't see the dirt.

 

We know that the Butterflies will need an area to sun bathe and a place a for water, so we will make a puddler for them. I plan to do something meaningful with that, just not sure what yet. I found some ideas about stacking terra cotta flower pots and a terra cotta plant saucer to make a sort of bird bath shape, and then filling it with damp sand.

I really want that garden to be a place to honoring children who have been lost to abortion. I have two dear friends whom I want to honor their children in a specific and personal way-Still working on that. The other children, children of women from the Center I work at or children of women from our Recovery Group, I will probably honor in a less personal way, but either way they will be included.

Here are some Pictures: (The large bush in the back is going to be removed. So all we have for now are those two small bushes.

Save One Group/Updates

As I mentioned several months ago, I was asked to be a silent observer for the Spring Save One group at Choices. It kept getting rescheduled, but God had a plan. Had it not been rescheduled, there would not have been time for my car to get fixed and I would not have been able to go. And the two wonderful women in this group would not have been brought together and helped each other so much.

I spent 1 entire weekend and 6 Thursday nights with 4 amazing women, 2 leaders, and 2 group members. They have all brought so much change to my life. Each one is so unique. I cannot post anything about their individual circumstances, but I can say that they both made some huge strides in their healing, really life changing events happened, and I feel SOOO Blessed that I got to witness that!

The study was great and their Memorials to the Unborn Babies were Beautiful and VERY personal.

How I wish I could write more details about the circumstances and the Beauty that came out if it.

Those of you who are reading, Please continue to pray for the women in each group. It is a tough process, but the end result is worth it.

Update: At the Center we are currently working on getting things together for a visit to a State College. And also our Annual Banquet.

K and I have discussed dates and ways to get the word out for our Recovery Bible Study Group. So far we have decided local TV channels, radio stations, news paper ads, flyers at church, and speaking at some churches. I trust however that the right people will be called at the right time that they will come.

As for the Banquet, my part is just my speech. So I am focused on that. I posted it in a previous post. I am pretty nervous because my job as a speaker there is to convince these people that Life is as Precious as it is. And that women need Support during their pregnancy so that they will make the decision to keep their Baby or Healing if the have already chose abortion. My Husband is coming also, with a PURPLE tie to support the Center and Remember Lucy*. He has heard me speak and he knows OUR story, but it still makes me a little more self conscious with him there. I Embrace his Loving Support though. He is a great Man... September 9th is the day.

Dandelion Pictures With Samantha

I have the sweetest friend. I know I keep saying it, but she is one of the few friends I have who actually seems to understand why I Miss Lucy. She is the one who suggested I start buying Dandelion jewelry. I saw a picture of her daughter blowing a Dandelion on Facebook. And the picture was so well taken, so I asked her to take one. She took several and these are my favorites.  Thank you, again, Christina. :)

This is my VERY favorite. Everything in it means something. The Dandelion. The necklace Samantha is wearing is also Dandelions. And the bracelet I have on is the bracelet my friend, Hannah, requested from Eden's Wings for me. The picture just sums it up for me. This one will be displayed in my living room.

Lucy's Memorial Plaque

Dandelion Lucy

There are so many reasons I chose dandelions to represent my Lucy. First and foremost, if I had one WISH, I would wish for My Dear Lucy.

Second, Dandelions represent this child-like quality. The epitome of pure innocence. A child, running through the back yard on a warm Spring day, picking one up and blowing on it, trying to see if they can get all the seeds off so their wish will come true. Lucy was innocent. A child. A child who should have been running through fields picking up Dandelions with her big sister, but instead she runs the fields of Heaven. And I can picture her doing that. Running through those Heavenly fields full of Beautiful Golden Dandelions.

Lastly, children view Dandelions as flowers. But adults, we tend to view Dandelions as weeds. They are a problem. They are not pretty. They need to be removed. And although we did not view Lucy with such harsh eyes, we felt we were facing a problem that we had to take care of. Now that it is over, unfortunately too late, I view her through the eyes of a child, the most accurate way of seeing her. Her life was/is Beautiful, just like the Dandelion Flower.

Now when I look in my back yard and see it filled with Dandelion Flowers, I think of how Lucy is always looking over me. She is not so far away. And I will one day, see her and hold her again.

Here are some images I have found on Google, but I would like to do a photoshoot of Dandelions this Spring so I can have more meaningful pictures around the house.

Planned Parenthood's Hidden Agenda Exposed

I get a newsletter from from the Human Life Alliance every month or so, and one of the most recent newsletters I got was called "The Truth About Planned Parenthood."  This newsletter is unbelievable! I can't believe some of the things I read in here, especially page 10 where it talks about population control ideas mentioned in the past, because of most of those have actually taken place! Ideal family size has shrunk, homosexuality has increased, encouraging women to work, and I wouldn't doubt the fertility control agents in the water. I know too many people, myself included, who are having problems having more children. Coincidence? Maybe. But I doubt it. Makes you wonder what else we have been "tricked" into over generations. So sad. (I know they are not referring to PP directly in this portion of the article, but they are partially to blame for enforcing "population control."

Here is the publication: http://www.humanlife.org/Planned-Parenthood.php

I also like to keep up with the pro-life arena using this site: lifenews.com Here is one of the articles I read this afternoon. I have heard a lot about Girl Scouts being involved with PP, but I just couldn't wrap my head around it. :( My daughter will not ever be in the Girls Scouts. That is too bad. 

Article From Lifenews.com: http://www.lifenews.com/2004/03/09/nat-369/

CNN iReport

A friend of mine, Hannah,  posted earlier this week about CNN accepting testimonies from people who have had abortions. She also shared her story.

The deadline for that is tomorrow, but since I currently really don't have any followers who would be interested in that sort of thing, I just wanted to post the link to mine for my records. For those of you who follow any of my other blogs, you know how I am about "records."

Good Night, All. :)


http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-926690

MORE Save One Training

Today I received a call from Sue, the lady who led my Save One post abortive study last Fall. She asked me if I wanted to be a silent observer for their new group starting next week! I told her of course! I think it will really help to get training in for our group!

As a silent observer, my job will be to-observe. I will take notes during the study and then when I get home I will write it all down on a formal paper that goes in their file. Although I will be the "silent observer," I will still be allowed to talk from time to time. I know I will be asked to share my story with the group. I will be there for support and if anybody needs anything. And if one of the leaders is absent, I may be asked to help. Or pray from time to time. Stuff like that. So I can get in some practice too! Between K and I, we will be super experienced by time we start. We already had a day training, went through the class, and went through and studied the leader's binder. Now I will be observing, on the other end of the class. And as I do that, K and I will be working together to figure out how we will do the group together. It is looking more like Fall is when we will be starting, or maybe late April, but probably Fall. At least we will have a good grasp on what we are doing and possibly may be more effective that way.

I am so excited! I feel so Blessed to be able to work with AAA-again! Everybody there has been such a huge help to us! 

The Abortion Pill Can Be Reversed!!!

 If you have taken the abortion pill and changed your mind, it can possibly be reversed! Here is a resource for more information!

http://www.lifenews.com/2013/02/03/abortion-drug-use-on-the-rise-but-women-can-change-their-minds/

http://www.abortionpillreversal.com/

Human Life Sunday at Rocky Face Baptist

I have found my calling! I so enjoy speaking! I never have such a thrill as when I stand up and share Lucy's story! That is not something in a MILLION years I thought I would enjoy doing, but when God calls you to do something, he equips you with what you need. 

Not to say that it has been easy for me at all. Preparing was a breeze, but beforehand I get so nervous. I feel sick the morning of and before I go up, my heart beats like crazy and I feel like jello. Luckily, I have not had to deal with the issue of constantly stumbling over my words or forgetting where I am at and going "um." That is a blessing! Afterward, though, I do worry if I was standing up straight or I had decent facial expressions. I am so focused on what I am saying and making sure I am going at a good pace, I do not think of those things. On a positive note, I have been very surprised at how well I do at making eye contact. In fact, I looked Jessie in the eye several times while giving my speech today.

With all that said, let me start from the beginning. I woke up super early this morning to get ready and go over my speech. I loaded up the car with everything I needed to bring to set up the table. Got Sam and Jessie ready and we were on our way!

We found where we needed to be pretty easy. We arrived at 10 o'clock and so did Vickie. She helped me set up the table. We had several pamphlets and some model babies with cards on fetal development. We met the pastor and talked for a few minutes on what to do and when.

Before I knew it, church had started. They did some music, prayer, and baptized a man. Then Vickie stood up, gave an update on the center, and introduced me and the family. I was up next. I began my speech, and after the first word, my anxiety wore off. As I spoke, I kept looking at Jessie. After my first few paragraphs about the center and the services we are offering, Jessie started looking down at the floor. He was crying. He has never heard me tell my side of the story BEGINNING to END. He has heard bits and pieces, the more they talk. But after that day, we just didn't discuss it in detail. It was not until recently that he shared a little of his experience in the waiting room. He said one thing that bothered him was that there were MOMS in there complaining that "They needed to hurry up with their daughter. Because they had school the next day!" Anyway, getting off topic, when I sat down, he squeezed my arm and broke down. I have noticed a change in him the last 12 hours. I am hoping this is a break through to something new.

Samantha looked up to me, her eyes so big and said, "Mommy, you did such a great job on your speech! I am really proud of you!" I won't go too much into this, but the last few weeks Sam has been real upset that she STILL is not a big sister. I just remind her that she is. I tell her that she has a baby sister up in Heaven and that she can be a good big sister by helping me out at the center and sitting with me at churches for support, etc. She felt so important after I told her that. She is even more eager to help. Today she behaved during church, watched me when I gave my speech, shook the hands of the people who came to the front to talk to us, and even talked about choosing life!!! 

Speaking of, after church, the pastor had us all come down to the front. We prayed and then everyone came up to the front and spoke with us. I felt so Blessed to have Jessie standing up there with me, supporting me. I never believed we would make it THIS far.

When we got in the car, Jessie told me he thought I did an amazing job and that he was really proud. (Which I was happy that he is finally FULLY approving of what I want to do. That is important to me because I didn't like hiding it at first. Telling him I was only speaking to share our services.) He then looked at me seriously and said..."Did you really write that speech?" I asked him what he meant? How could I steal someone else's material while writing my own story? He said that he was just very impressed with how well written it was. (He has never really read my writing-just not something I do on a regular basis, except my blogging. But that is MY thing.) I just told him it is something I am passionate about, something close to my heart. He said he gets it.

Afterward, the lady who invited me to speak at the church said she wanted to take us out for lunch. So we went to Guthrie's. It is apparently Florida's version of Zaxby's. Jessie enjoyed talking to Vickie's husband. They found common ground-hunting. And Vickie and I talked about a little of everything-the center, kids, family...

It was such a nice day. I felt so...alive today. So...alive.

*For Hannah: Jessie did not record it for me. He said he wanted to focus on my speech instead. So the lady I talked to said that as long as the sound system has been fixed, they should have a disc with the entire service on it. If they do, she will get me a copy. :) 

Here is my speech: Since I had my speeches so close together and did not want to get them confused, I used the same base and adapted each one for the place I was going. This one is the longer of the two. I added more details about the center and more about the clinic.

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I would like to start by saying thank you to everyone for your continual support of our center. Without our supporters, we would not be able to provide free pregnancy tests, baby items, and counseling for women in crisis.

I am excited to announce that this Spring we will be starting our first post abortive recovery group using the Bible based Save One curriculum. It is a 7 week, one night a week program that deals with each emotion that needs to be addressed when recovering from an abortion. It is for all ages, and it does not matter if it has been a year since your abortion or 30 years. Each group will only have 3 to 4 women and 2 leaders. It is a very small, close knit group that involves prayer, Bible study, activities, and discussion. The nights we get together are a very special time of fellowship and healing.

We are also offering individual counseling using a custom curriculum for those who are not comfortable or ready to be in a group setting. The days and times for that are flexible. The program lasts 6 weeks, 1 session a week.

If you would like to speak to me about our new post abortive counseling or any of the center’s services or just have a question, I have a table set up with more information and I would love to talk to you after the service.

But I guess it is about time that I introduce myself. My name is Brittany. I am 20 years old. I have been with my Husband for 6 years. Together, we have two children. One of those children is in Heaven this morning. Her name is Lucy.

Lucy never had the chance to walk this Earth. She has never had the chance to smell a flower or breath a breath of fresh air. Lucy went to be with God before she was even born.

On December 29^th 2009, I found out I was pregnant-again. Those two pink lines once brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart, but this time, all it brought was fear. And what are we going to do? Our daughter had just turned one that September and we were living with my Mom while I finished school.  Though my Husband worked, we struggled paying out half of the bills. And if my Mom found out, we would have to leave. At that point, adoption didn’t even seem like an option. The devil bombarded us with lie after lie. We could not afford to be on our own. Nobody would help us. We had nowhere to go. We had no other choice, we thought. 

At that time, my daughter, Samantha, seemed more-real to me than the child that had just started growing inside of me a few week before. But I was wrong. The CHILD inside of me had a heartbeat just the same as the one I was holding in my arms. That CHILD inside of me had hands and feet all the same. It was my job to protect this child, this gift living inside of me, but by time I realized that, I was too late. I had an abortion. December 29^th, 2009 was the last time that I held my precious child safely inside of me. 

We pulled up to a large building full of businesses, and hiding in shame, there it was, Summit Medical Center, in the back, bottom, corner of the building. A small, dimly lit office full of women of all ages. Some looked calmer than others. Some were crying. Some were yelling at their mothers to hush and just  “Let them do it! It was their CHILD anyway!” I was handed a clipboard and some papers to fill out.

We waited for hours before I was called back for my ultrasound. Right at that moment I felt so trapped. Like I was on lockdown and I couldn’t change my mind or they would shutdown all the doors and sound the alarms and drag me back to the back. I asked her how far I was and she stated that I was about 6-1/2 weeks and that was the perfect time to do the medical abortion. My heart sunk as I saw her circle the word “Yes” under Cardiac Activity. I had a perfectly healthy life inside of me, and soon she would be gone.

After my ultrasound, they went through a few more tests and then sent me back in a room full of other women who were all there for the same thing…a cup full of pills.

And as they passed around the consent papers and made follow up appointments-that I never did attend, they also handed out those tiny little cups and repeated instructions on what to do and how to do it. What to expect and how to cope with the pain. And as I stared at that pill I thought of all the reasons I felt I HAD to do this. So I took it. And as I did, the last words I heard as I left were, “Happy Passing.” I didn’t know what was so happy about it…

I left that building so ashamed of myself. I already wanted to take it back. All I could think about is how….MAYBE, somehow it didn’t work. Maybe I could have that second chance to hold my child and rock her, tell her that I Love her and would never hurt her. But it didn’t happen that way. 

I always knew having an abortion was considered wrong. I knew that it wasn’t an easy experience. I remember saying to my Husband, “It will take awhile for me to get over it. And I will probably be mad at you afterward.” But I just didn’t know the road that lie ahead of me. The events that happened on December 29^th that year left a Lucy shaped hole in my heart that only the Lord could fill.

For two years I suffered, trying to deal with my emotions. Anger toward my Husband and my Mom, people who didn’t have a clue what I had done. And with guilt, bearing the weight of knowing-I-my child’s mother-was responsible for the fact that she would not enter this world on August 21^st, 2010 or any day before or after.

I buried my secret and I tried to bury all the emotions along with it. After the passing of what would have been Lucy’s 1^st birthday, I broke. I started having severe issues with anxiety and OCD. I fell absolutely to pieces. I hit the bottom, and when I did, the Lord was there to pick me back up and help me put myself back together.

This is where my true healing began.

He lead me to the HOPE Center to receive counseling. While I was there, one of my counselors told me about Women’s Enrichment Center in Dalton. It wasn’t long after that I began serving there.  While at the center, I have found a tremendous amount of healing. I have spent my last year there attending a recovery group. I started getting to know the child I lost. I have talked to those involved in my abortion and found forgiveness for each one, including myself. And lastly, but definitely not least, I have been reading my Bible and praying to find that Peace the Lord promises all of us. And finally, this past Fall, while training to co-lead our New Save One group, I found complete Peace in the Lord.

Sometimes it takes 20 or 30 years for someone to seek help after an abortion, for whatever reason. Maybe they are embarrassed or think they don’t need it, but women and men, if you are here today and have lost your child or children to abortion, I encourage you to seek help, if you haven’t already. The Lord Loves us, his children, very much, and He does not want to see us suffer any longer than we already have. If you are here today and you know somebody suffering with the after effects of abortion, let them know they are not alone. And lastly, if you are here today and you are facing an unexpected pregnancy, there are options. Think twice, PROTECT the life of your child, like so many others before you wish they had.

Lucy may never have walked this Earth or smelled a flower, but her life did not stop that day at the clinic. She lives through her family, who loves her very much, her Mom, her Dad, and her big sister. Unfortunately, I became her voice a little too late, but now she has the chance to make the difference in the lives of so many. 

Program for the NMU Service

Thank You Card from NMU

Information Area

Program For Sanctity of Life Service at Rocky Face