My Whole Life's Dictation

Foster care and children have been on my mind a lot lately. God, what  are you calling me to do? One minute I feel like you are telling me to connect with my Husband and have as many children as you bless us with. Then I think, "If that is true, why haven't we had more children in well over a year?" I know you have us face trials, but how do I know what is the way? And Lord, what about fostering? Can we do that in a 3 bedroom house if you give us 4 more kids? What is it that you are calling us to do? We are in a waiting period. We are raising our only living child to the best of our ability and we don't know what is coming next. Is this all you are asking of us? Do you want more?

Then I realized....My entire life since that day in December 2009 has been dictated by my abortion. My. Entire. Life.

Some of those things were by the devil. He took my situation and tried to send me into a downward spiral. My depression. My attachment. My solitude. My OCD. And I truly believe the hard time that we have had having more children is due to my abortion...But other decisions and events were God taking my weeping and turning it into joy.

Every major decision we have made has been because of Lucy. We chose to move out of my Mom's house as soon as my Husband found a better paying job because we couldn't be in that house anymore with this secret looming over us. Satan, I am sure, loved to watch us struggle, paycheck to paycheck. Crying when it snowed because I knew he wouldn't get paid for that day, but we had not a dime to spare. But we stayed faithful and God Blessed us. I was able to stay home and we were always able to pay our bills on time. Jessie found a job that paid much better and made him happier. We were even able to buy a house just 2 years later. A house that opened up space for us to use for HIM. It has given us space to have the Recovery Bible study and an extra room for someone to stay in while they get on their feet. I want to use my house for God, and that is what we have done.

I even chose to homeschool at first because of selfish reasons. I was attached to my only living child because I had lost My Lucy. I couldn't let go of my Samantha for even just a minute. And slowly, God turned my selfish reasons into selfless reasons. For God. For relationship. For education. For living a free life, unprocessed. But I digress. I can't imagine our life differently. Not only has the decision to homeschool changed our life as a family, but Samantha's future, and I believe it is for the better. God has turned my weeping into joy, yet again. I have a better relationship with my child than I ever could have imagined because the loss of My Lucy has made me realize just how important those little moments are.

The whole reason I started volunteering and leading the Bible study are because of my experiences. At first I think it is possible I was just trying to serve my way out of my Sin, but I have come a long way in just a few years. I want to help others receive the healing that I have. I started speaking because I want others to know they are not alone. I have met SO MANY MANY wonderful women that I never would have met had I not lost My Lucy. T'hey will NEVER replace Lucy. Nothing ever will, but there is something comforting in the fact that her Life has FOREVER changed mine, no matter what happened to her, her Life has still made one of the greatest impacts on me that any life has, and I am seeing that it is making an impact on others all over.

And now we are facing this whole child issue. We have placed it in God's hands, but it is hard to not keep pulling back and saying, "Okay, so what now? What is going to happen? Should we expect you to give us more children? What does the future look like?" I know my life-our lives are still being effected by what happened. We have discussed it time and time again. When Samantha is older, we want to foster and help an "unwanted" child. We want to give them a home that loves them and wants them there. I want to give Samantha that sister that she missed out on. I want the child we adopt to have that family unit she missed out on, I want Lucy to continue making a difference, because Lucy's Life has meaning.

Lucy's. Life. Is. Beautiful.

Sibling Trouble

It was getting easier, everything was. My struggles were becoming part of my past and I was able to talk about my Lucy with a renewed spirit. Then my daughter said this, "If you hadn't let Lucy die, I would have a little sister!" Of course she said it out of anger and now she regrets it. She keeps trying to take it back and say that she doesn't want a sister. She wants to be an only child. "I like it. I really do." We tried to give Samantha a little sister and God just didn't it fit last year or the year before. So my Husband and I just gave it up to God and said, "Do whatever you will with us. Give us no more. Give us 10 more. Allow us to adopt. Don't allow us to adopt. Your will." That was 3 months ago. It still hurts. It isn't so much, "We aren't pregnant this month," that hurts. I am a big girl. I can wait. It is the fear that the one thing in this world my daughter asks for, I won't be able to give her. What if I never will? Will she hate me forever? She had a chance at a sister, and I ruined it. Did I take that privilege away forever?

I have been having flashbacks to when I found out I was pregnant. It just hit me. I have really been pregnant twice. There are two ways that it could have went. We could have been happy, told everyone with a cute announcement, talked it up to our daughter about being a big sister, read her all the books...But we didn't. It went the other way. She never knew until it was too late. And instead of watching Mommy's belly grow and holding her hand to it to feel kicks, she had to watch Mommy cry herself to sleep at night for months.

And yes, she has seen me overcome most of the pain, but when will it all end? Will my abortion continue to come back and haunt me? How could I be so careless to throw away the life of my little one and possibly any future children?

I am praying and saying, "God, I will accept what you throw at me. I will be one of those Moms who undertakes a family of 12 if I have to. If that is what you want." But it is hard when you feel like God is saying, "No. You had your chance. I will not entrust you with another life." I feel like God is rejecting me. When I know he might just be calling me to greater things, like fostering and adopting-which we want to do. But that is a long time away. A few years at least. Lord, just one baby. I just wish I could have one more baby to hold and to nurse. To be my own because I Missed that with my Lucy. I Missed that. And I Want That. I Need That. But it feels like I will never get that. And neither will Samantha.

WEC Banquet 2013

This year's banquet for the Women's Enrichment Center was an amazing and inspirational night.

It was Monday night at 6:30. The purpose of the banquet was to help raise money. (Our Center is strictly run off of outside donations and we only have few part time staff members, so it is 90% volunteers.) It was also to inform volunteers on what our Center is about. 

This is my second year at the Center, and the Director asked me to share my testimony. My Husband attended with me for support. He is always there for support, and I adore him for that. Even though I know he is still not 100% comfortable with me "announcing" it, he understands that I do it so that others will know the dangers of NOT knowing the reality. And also what happens when you have made that choice. He held my hand and calmed me. He prayed for me, and he cried with me. I could never ask for a better support system than the one I already have. 

Our daughter, who is the other half of my support, did not attend because she would have been the only child there, and I just thought people would respond better if we didn't have a child in tow that we were trying to teach "proper etiquette" to. She behaves well and always roots me on, but I just didn't feel the banquet was the best place for that. (Unfortunately, we must conform sometimes so that people will get a good first impression and respond better.) 

To my surprise, I walked onto the stages without any nerves. I was able to say my speech without shaking or looking down a lot. God has done a lot of work in my Life. He has given me the strength, over time, that I need to better serve Him. 

I never in my wildest imagination would believe that God had called me to share my story publicly in hopes that Our Lucy would have an impact on the decisions of others. But one day in early Fall 2012, a Angel sent by God forced me to step out of my comfortable box and into the Purpose that He planned for my Life. 

There was a video testimony and a testimony from another girl who came to our Center last year, abortion minded, and chose Life for her Baby, who is now a Beautiful, almost 1 year old, little girl. 

The Closer's called to action in a very moving way. Everybody was noticeably touched by the entire evening.  

We had an amazing turn out, from what I am hearing. There were over 300 people, which is huge for our town, and we raised a good portion of the money that we need to run for another year. I also hear there are several people interested in volunteering. We will see what this next 12 months has to hold for us.

Side Note: Speaking of the next 12 months, K and I will be start our first Recovery Group this October, and there are already a few women who have showed interest. I sympathize knowing that they went through that sort of pain, but I can't help but be excited for them because, as our leaders told us, we know what is coming! The Light!

We are doing a little training, a conference in October and also Sheila Harper, the author of the Recovery Study we are leading, will be coming to our Center for the day to train the entire staff-for free! What a Blessing to help prepare us better! Proof that God has plans for the Women in our town to find the Healing, Forgiveness, and Closure that they need. 

Here is the speech that I had written down. 

Here was my speech on video. 

How God Called Me To Speak

Early last year, Fall of 2012, my Center Director asked if I would speak in front of a few of pastors' wives at a luncheon we were having to inform others about our Center. "Really? Me? U-U. No way! No how!" is what I wanted to say, but I didn't. I just said, "Um. Okay. But I can't promise it will be anything good." She told me not to prepare anything, but that it would be a casual lunch with a few women. 

Apparently, what she meant was, "Don't prepare anything if you are used to talking in front of other people," because I was a bundle of nerves the morning of, with absolutely no clue what I wanted to say. 

I walked in the doors, nervous. I had only been at the Center a couple of months and didn't know exactly what to do or how to help. They told me to just sit down and relax, so I did. I met a nice lady who talked to me and assuaged my fears a bit. (At the time I had no clue that she was a member of our board, or more importantly, and angel sent by God.) 

I stood up when my time came, and I shook the entire time as I stumbled through the words trying to find what to say. Here is what my testimony sounded like, "My name is Brittany. I had an abortion, um, uh, back in 2009. I had lots of problems afterward. And I decided to um, find help. Which helped me find this Center. I decided to volunteer. And we did a Bible study recovery, and it really helped." Yah. Eloquent, right? I sounded like a Kindergartener. The lady I partner with for our Recovery Group stood with me and then spoke as soon as I finished. She had her little note cards and she spoke so clearly and with passion about the Recovery Group we were starting.

Afterward, I found my way back to my seat, heart still pumping, mind racing..."How stupid I must have just sounded? Revealing so emotionlessly and plainly that I had aborted my second child?" My new friend smiled and thanked me for my bravery. She told me that I spoke well and that she wanted me to come share at her church. 

What she saw in me, I do not know to this day, what it could have been. The woman who spoke beside me was so much more...prepared for this sort of thing, clearly. But I accepted her request. How could I tell her no? And in January 2013, I shared my story for one of the first times in front of a large crowd of people. From then on, I knew my Purpose.

I KNEW that God had just then turned something as ugly as abortion into something Beautiful, something that could potentially save lives or help others to heal. 

I believe in Guardian Angels now, because mine appeared to me just 12 short months ago and revealed to me what I was called to do, something in my wildest dreams would have never thought God would ask me to dedicate my life to. 

But I realized that TOO MANY women made that choice oh so many years ago and have been silenced. TOO MANY young people are being lied to about what abortion really is. We need to speak up. We need to speak out. We need to Remember our Children and what a difference their short lives made and are still making. So I said, "Yes," to God. And I haven't looked back since. 

I recently saw the woman I met that day, at the annual banquet for the Center. I feel so close to her, and I have only seen her 5 times. I feel like I have known her forever. She is so supportive and loving. Always telling me that she has more places for me to share and that she wants to go with me, sit by my side, and support me all the way. A woman that she barely knows, never met before Fall of last year. She so quickly took me under her wing and so willingly supported me, encouraged me, and loved me despite my past. Wouldn't it be amazing if we were all like that? 

WEC Banquet Speech

Here is my most recent speech for my Center's Banquet. I am very nervous since a lot rides on this Banquet, so feedback is appreciated. :)

I am a survivor.

My name is Brittany, and I am a volunteer here at the Women’s Enrichment Center. I do everything from counting donations to speaking, and helping Karen here start up our post abortive counseling, which she will come up and share about in a few minutes.

Tonight, I want to share my story with you all in hopes that you will be able to see the importance of our efforts here at the Center, and also the extreme need for it.

I am 21 years old. And I have been married for 6 years. Together, my Husband and I have two children. One of those children is in Heaven. Her name is Lucy.

On December 20th, 2009, I found out I was pregnant-for the second time. I just remember being so….scared. I had never been so terrified in my life. And when you are scared like that, your mind just goes racing. You don’t feel like you have time to stop and think about what is going on. You just have to “fix it” the best way you know how. And it just seems like, it won’t work out. No matter what happens, IT WON’T WORK. We couldn’t keep our baby.  Nobody could even know I was pregnant. So, We had only one choice, we thought.

I was in such a daze, it didn’t even occur to me that there was a child inside of me, a child made by God with a heartbeat and a purpose. It was my job to protect my child, but by time I realized that, I was too late. I had an abortion. December 29th, 2009, just 9 days after I found out, was the last time that I held my precious child safely inside of me.

At the clinic, we waited for what seemed like hours before I was called back for my ultrasound. And when they did, right at that moment I felt so trapped. Like there was no turning back. So, I went. I don’t remember walking to the back. I just remember that I somehow ended up in the ultrasound room. And the next thing I remember was being told that I was about 6-1/2 weeks. My heart sunk as I saw her circle the word “Yes” under Cardiac Activity. Because then I knew. I knew. I had such a perfectly healthy life inside of me, and soon she would be gone.

After my ultrasound, they went through a few more tests and then sent me back in a room full of other women who were all there for the same thing…a solution, a cup full of pills.

As they passed around the consent papers, they also handed out those tiny little cups and repeated instructions on what to do and how to do it. What to expect and how to cope with the pain. And as I stared at that pill I thought of all the reasons I felt I HAD to do this. So I took it.

I left that building so ashamed of myself. I already wanted to take it back. All I could think about is how….MAYBE, somehow it didn’t work. Maybe I could have a second chance.

For two years I suffered in silence.  I buried my secret and I tried to burry all of the many emotions that go along with it. After the passing of what would have been her 1st birthday, I just broke. I couldn’t handle the pain any longer. I felt anxious all the time and I had to be cleaning, always. I guess to fill that void. But it didn’t work. I hit the bottom, and when I did, the Lord was there to pick me back up and help me put myself back together. “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest….My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

There is healing after abortion. And that is where my true healing began.

I was lead to start counseling and through my counselor I found WEC of Dalton. It wasn’t long after that I began serving. I knew this is where I belonged. I was rearin’ to go and help other women find their Healing.

I THOUGHT I had found my healing on my own and through my counseling, but I still had a ways to go. I attended a Save One Recovery Group, which I thought was just going to be “training” for me to help lead our own groups. Turns out, I received more healing than I thought I needed. I found forgiveness. I completely resolved my anger. And I now know the daughter I lost. She has a sex, a name, and her short life now has purpose. Most importantly, I found Peace in the Lord.

Now I stand here today to tell you that if I had it to do all over again, I would give my child the gift of LIFE, the gift that every child deserves, regardless of their family background or situation. If I had told somebody I was pregnant and considering abortion and I received the same understanding and loving guidance that the women who come into our Center receive, I would have a miracle 3 year old child standing next to me today, but I don’t. That is okay though because God gives us all lessons to learn and through me, he has used Lucy for a greater purpose.

Isn’t that what it is about? Being part of a purpose? A woman I know once told me, “Without LIFE, we have nothing.” (Repeat) Nothing. Lives are being saved inside the walls of this Center. Lives that are uniquely and wonderfully made by God. We are all called to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. Why not start with LIFE?

Lucy's Garden

Summer is here, which for me means time to finally start Lucy's Butterfly garden that we have been planning for almost a year now.

In my head everything is going to be so perfect and beautiful. We bought two purple butterfly bushes and planted them, because purple reminds me of Lucy, as do Butterflies. Eventually I want to fill it so full of flower that you can't see the dirt.

 

We know that the Butterflies will need an area to sun bathe and a place a for water, so we will make a puddler for them. I plan to do something meaningful with that, just not sure what yet. I found some ideas about stacking terra cotta flower pots and a terra cotta plant saucer to make a sort of bird bath shape, and then filling it with damp sand.

I really want that garden to be a place to honoring children who have been lost to abortion. I have two dear friends whom I want to honor their children in a specific and personal way-Still working on that. The other children, children of women from the Center I work at or children of women from our Recovery Group, I will probably honor in a less personal way, but either way they will be included.

Here are some Pictures: (The large bush in the back is going to be removed. So all we have for now are those two small bushes.

Save One Group/Updates

As I mentioned several months ago, I was asked to be a silent observer for the Spring Save One group at Choices. It kept getting rescheduled, but God had a plan. Had it not been rescheduled, there would not have been time for my car to get fixed and I would not have been able to go. And the two wonderful women in this group would not have been brought together and helped each other so much.

I spent 1 entire weekend and 6 Thursday nights with 4 amazing women, 2 leaders, and 2 group members. They have all brought so much change to my life. Each one is so unique. I cannot post anything about their individual circumstances, but I can say that they both made some huge strides in their healing, really life changing events happened, and I feel SOOO Blessed that I got to witness that!

The study was great and their Memorials to the Unborn Babies were Beautiful and VERY personal.

How I wish I could write more details about the circumstances and the Beauty that came out if it.

Those of you who are reading, Please continue to pray for the women in each group. It is a tough process, but the end result is worth it.

Update: At the Center we are currently working on getting things together for a visit to a State College. And also our Annual Banquet.

K and I have discussed dates and ways to get the word out for our Recovery Bible Study Group. So far we have decided local TV channels, radio stations, news paper ads, flyers at church, and speaking at some churches. I trust however that the right people will be called at the right time that they will come.

As for the Banquet, my part is just my speech. So I am focused on that. I posted it in a previous post. I am pretty nervous because my job as a speaker there is to convince these people that Life is as Precious as it is. And that women need Support during their pregnancy so that they will make the decision to keep their Baby or Healing if the have already chose abortion. My Husband is coming also, with a PURPLE tie to support the Center and Remember Lucy*. He has heard me speak and he knows OUR story, but it still makes me a little more self conscious with him there. I Embrace his Loving Support though. He is a great Man... September 9th is the day.