December is hard on me. It always is. But this year I thought I would be better. I don't get bothered by EDDs or Anniversaries anymore. So I expected that December would come and go this year just like August has in years past. But it hasn't.
I don't know if it is a mixture of losing Lucy, the drab winter weather, which has actually been more pleasant than in years past, or maybe a bit to do with trying to have another child. My fingers crossed that it would happen this month. I want nothing more than to give Samantha a sibling for Christmas, and in the same month that she lost a sibling just 5 years ago. I know it wouldn't replace her, but it would be a nice way to Remember her. My cycle is going extremely long this time, which never happens to me, but all negative tests, so that has me dragging a bit, just waiting for the days to go by so that I can test "just one more time." This past week has been nothing but wishing the days would pass. Nothing would break my heart more than to find out this is not the month. Especially not after this little "hiccup" in timing.
I don't feel like doing anything. I wake up. I lay in bed. So not like me. I usually have a million things running through my mind. Things that need to get done. Clean the house. Budget. Meal plan. Work for the Center. The list is never ending. But I just...lay there. No motivation to get up. This never happens to me. When I finally wake S up, I don't feel like doing much of anything. Sometimes I force myself to. Other days...I say, "Well, we took the day off "school" because we weren't really feeling it today. In reality, I just didn't feel like facing life that day. So we play video games...or nap. I know this all makes me sound so lazy. If my Husband found out, I'm not quite sure he wouldn't feel so confident about me staying home. I am not sure if he would understand this is not normal. But I don't know what is wrong with me. After I cook dinner, I take my bath, and that is it. I can't even remember what I used to do most afternoons to relax. Sometimes I would read if I had a book. But I don't feel like reading lately. Either silently or even to S before bed. I force myself for her, but not more than a chapter, whereas we were eating up several chapter books a week just last month. But one chapter is that is if I don't fall asleep before she is ready for me to lay her down. December hit, and that was it for me.
Like I said, I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know how to fix this. I don't want to be a bad Mom or a lazy Mom. I don't want to be unproductive. That is NOT me. I am one of the most obsessively productive people I know. But December is just...December and I don't like it one bit. I wish it would pass because I just don't know how much more December I can take.
