December is hard on me. It always is. But this year I thought I would be better. I don't get bothered by EDDs or Anniversaries anymore. So I expected that December would come and go this year just like August has in years past. But it hasn't.
I don't know if it is a mixture of losing Lucy, the drab winter weather, which has actually been more pleasant than in years past, or maybe a bit to do with trying to have another child. My fingers crossed that it would happen this month. I want nothing more than to give Samantha a sibling for Christmas, and in the same month that she lost a sibling just 5 years ago. I know it wouldn't replace her, but it would be a nice way to Remember her. My cycle is going extremely long this time, which never happens to me, but all negative tests, so that has me dragging a bit, just waiting for the days to go by so that I can test "just one more time." This past week has been nothing but wishing the days would pass. Nothing would break my heart more than to find out this is not the month. Especially not after this little "hiccup" in timing.
I don't feel like doing anything. I wake up. I lay in bed. So not like me. I usually have a million things running through my mind. Things that need to get done. Clean the house. Budget. Meal plan. Work for the Center. The list is never ending. But I just...lay there. No motivation to get up. This never happens to me. When I finally wake S up, I don't feel like doing much of anything. Sometimes I force myself to. Other days...I say, "Well, we took the day off "school" because we weren't really feeling it today. In reality, I just didn't feel like facing life that day. So we play video games...or nap. I know this all makes me sound so lazy. If my Husband found out, I'm not quite sure he wouldn't feel so confident about me staying home. I am not sure if he would understand this is not normal. But I don't know what is wrong with me. After I cook dinner, I take my bath, and that is it. I can't even remember what I used to do most afternoons to relax. Sometimes I would read if I had a book. But I don't feel like reading lately. Either silently or even to S before bed. I force myself for her, but not more than a chapter, whereas we were eating up several chapter books a week just last month. But one chapter is that is if I don't fall asleep before she is ready for me to lay her down. December hit, and that was it for me.
Like I said, I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know how to fix this. I don't want to be a bad Mom or a lazy Mom. I don't want to be unproductive. That is NOT me. I am one of the most obsessively productive people I know. But December is just...December and I don't like it one bit. I wish it would pass because I just don't know how much more December I can take.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Sunday, November 30, 2014
I am looking for a place to let it out and I know this is one of my most inactive Blogs...I just need to do a little breathing. So...breathing I am doing.
Just when you think you are completely healed. It happens every time. To me. The holidays. They are a tough one on me. Seeing small babies in their cute winter, holiday outfits. Seeing adorable toddlers icing cookies and attempting to sing Christmas toons. Those commercials. That one commercial, the Silent Night diaper commercial. Always makes me cry. Every year S gets older, I feel like I am further and further away from My Lucy. I know it doesn't make sense to some people, but it does to me. Somehow, Samantha's babyhood was my link to Lucy's. I wasn't really "missing" the stages at that time because S was pretty much still going through them. Now...She is a kid.
With this whole baby thing again AND the holidays, it just...complicates things-a lot. It physically hurts me to see pictures of small children wearing holiday clothing and doing holiday things. It hurts me from my heart to the deepest part of my stomach. It is this horrible pain. Like I am going to be sick. And I need to cry. I can't tell if it is because I want a Baby or because I had a Baby. I can't tell which of the two is missing. The past or the future. Maybe a little bit of both.
And although we have only been trying a little over a month, it seems like eternity because of that whole year we didn't succeed. Then all the "in between." And now this. I don't know what I am saying. I just am having a hard time getting a handle on WHY I am going through this. WHAT is it God is trying to show me. What is he waiting for? If I lean on him a little more, what will the results be? What lies before me?
Yes, I am forever grateful that I have a wonderful Husband and child and that we are even in a position to try for another baby. I am grateful that I get to see my Little Girl grow up, and do her hair, and take her to look at dolls-hopefully American Girl soon! And if I never have another child again I will Thank My God and savor what he gave me. But I still feel like a piece is missing. I will always be Happy with my S, but Lucy will always be missing and this child is still Missing. (Yes, to me, she exists. The very thought of her life makes her in existence to me.) I have two pieces gone and it is causing me lots of pain. Even over our last year of "not trying," I think about it all the time. And that is why I told my Husband, this is something meant to be. I couldn't let it go. Even in that year's time, I couldn't let it go.
I have had to remove myself from most media, including Facebook. I have to look away when I see small children. And I can't even hold a baby. When will this end? Will it ever end? Or will I always have this overwhelming sense of sadness during the holidays?
Just when you think you are completely healed. It happens every time. To me. The holidays. They are a tough one on me. Seeing small babies in their cute winter, holiday outfits. Seeing adorable toddlers icing cookies and attempting to sing Christmas toons. Those commercials. That one commercial, the Silent Night diaper commercial. Always makes me cry. Every year S gets older, I feel like I am further and further away from My Lucy. I know it doesn't make sense to some people, but it does to me. Somehow, Samantha's babyhood was my link to Lucy's. I wasn't really "missing" the stages at that time because S was pretty much still going through them. Now...She is a kid.
With this whole baby thing again AND the holidays, it just...complicates things-a lot. It physically hurts me to see pictures of small children wearing holiday clothing and doing holiday things. It hurts me from my heart to the deepest part of my stomach. It is this horrible pain. Like I am going to be sick. And I need to cry. I can't tell if it is because I want a Baby or because I had a Baby. I can't tell which of the two is missing. The past or the future. Maybe a little bit of both.
And although we have only been trying a little over a month, it seems like eternity because of that whole year we didn't succeed. Then all the "in between." And now this. I don't know what I am saying. I just am having a hard time getting a handle on WHY I am going through this. WHAT is it God is trying to show me. What is he waiting for? If I lean on him a little more, what will the results be? What lies before me?
Yes, I am forever grateful that I have a wonderful Husband and child and that we are even in a position to try for another baby. I am grateful that I get to see my Little Girl grow up, and do her hair, and take her to look at dolls-hopefully American Girl soon! And if I never have another child again I will Thank My God and savor what he gave me. But I still feel like a piece is missing. I will always be Happy with my S, but Lucy will always be missing and this child is still Missing. (Yes, to me, she exists. The very thought of her life makes her in existence to me.) I have two pieces gone and it is causing me lots of pain. Even over our last year of "not trying," I think about it all the time. And that is why I told my Husband, this is something meant to be. I couldn't let it go. Even in that year's time, I couldn't let it go.
I have had to remove myself from most media, including Facebook. I have to look away when I see small children. And I can't even hold a baby. When will this end? Will it ever end? Or will I always have this overwhelming sense of sadness during the holidays?
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
My Whole Life's Dictation
Foster care and children have been on my mind a lot lately. God, what are you calling me to do? One minute I feel like you are telling me to connect with my Husband and have as many children as you bless us with. Then I think, "If that is true, why haven't we had more children in well over a year?" I know you have us face trials, but how do I know what is the way? And Lord, what about fostering? Can we do that in a 3 bedroom house if you give us 4 more kids? What is it that you are calling us to do? We are in a waiting period. We are raising our only living child to the best of our ability and we don't know what is coming next. Is this all you are asking of us? Do you want more?
Then I realized....My entire life since that day in December 2009 has been dictated by my abortion. My. Entire. Life.
Some of those things were by the devil. He took my situation and tried to send me into a downward spiral. My depression. My attachment. My solitude. My OCD. And I truly believe the hard time that we have had having more children is due to my abortion...But other decisions and events were God taking my weeping and turning it into joy.
Every major decision we have made has been because of Lucy. We chose to move out of my Mom's house as soon as my Husband found a better paying job because we couldn't be in that house anymore with this secret looming over us. Satan, I am sure, loved to watch us struggle, paycheck to paycheck. Crying when it snowed because I knew he wouldn't get paid for that day, but we had not a dime to spare. But we stayed faithful and God Blessed us. I was able to stay home and we were always able to pay our bills on time. Jessie found a job that paid much better and made him happier. We were even able to buy a house just 2 years later. A house that opened up space for us to use for HIM. It has given us space to have the Recovery Bible study and an extra room for someone to stay in while they get on their feet. I want to use my house for God, and that is what we have done.
I even chose to homeschool at first because of selfish reasons. I was attached to my only living child because I had lost My Lucy. I couldn't let go of my Samantha for even just a minute. And slowly, God turned my selfish reasons into selfless reasons. For God. For relationship. For education. For living a free life, unprocessed. But I digress. I can't imagine our life differently. Not only has the decision to homeschool changed our life as a family, but Samantha's future, and I believe it is for the better. God has turned my weeping into joy, yet again. I have a better relationship with my child than I ever could have imagined because the loss of My Lucy has made me realize just how important those little moments are.
The whole reason I started volunteering and leading the Bible study are because of my experiences. At first I think it is possible I was just trying to serve my way out of my Sin, but I have come a long way in just a few years. I want to help others receive the healing that I have. I started speaking because I want others to know they are not alone. I have met SO MANY MANY wonderful women that I never would have met had I not lost My Lucy. T'hey will NEVER replace Lucy. Nothing ever will, but there is something comforting in the fact that her Life has FOREVER changed mine, no matter what happened to her, her Life has still made one of the greatest impacts on me that any life has, and I am seeing that it is making an impact on others all over.
And now we are facing this whole child issue. We have placed it in God's hands, but it is hard to not keep pulling back and saying, "Okay, so what now? What is going to happen? Should we expect you to give us more children? What does the future look like?" I know my life-our lives are still being effected by what happened. We have discussed it time and time again. When Samantha is older, we want to foster and help an "unwanted" child. We want to give them a home that loves them and wants them there. I want to give Samantha that sister that she missed out on. I want the child we adopt to have that family unit she missed out on, I want Lucy to continue making a difference, because Lucy's Life has meaning.
Lucy's. Life. Is. Beautiful.
Then I realized....My entire life since that day in December 2009 has been dictated by my abortion. My. Entire. Life.
Some of those things were by the devil. He took my situation and tried to send me into a downward spiral. My depression. My attachment. My solitude. My OCD. And I truly believe the hard time that we have had having more children is due to my abortion...But other decisions and events were God taking my weeping and turning it into joy.
Every major decision we have made has been because of Lucy. We chose to move out of my Mom's house as soon as my Husband found a better paying job because we couldn't be in that house anymore with this secret looming over us. Satan, I am sure, loved to watch us struggle, paycheck to paycheck. Crying when it snowed because I knew he wouldn't get paid for that day, but we had not a dime to spare. But we stayed faithful and God Blessed us. I was able to stay home and we were always able to pay our bills on time. Jessie found a job that paid much better and made him happier. We were even able to buy a house just 2 years later. A house that opened up space for us to use for HIM. It has given us space to have the Recovery Bible study and an extra room for someone to stay in while they get on their feet. I want to use my house for God, and that is what we have done.
I even chose to homeschool at first because of selfish reasons. I was attached to my only living child because I had lost My Lucy. I couldn't let go of my Samantha for even just a minute. And slowly, God turned my selfish reasons into selfless reasons. For God. For relationship. For education. For living a free life, unprocessed. But I digress. I can't imagine our life differently. Not only has the decision to homeschool changed our life as a family, but Samantha's future, and I believe it is for the better. God has turned my weeping into joy, yet again. I have a better relationship with my child than I ever could have imagined because the loss of My Lucy has made me realize just how important those little moments are.
The whole reason I started volunteering and leading the Bible study are because of my experiences. At first I think it is possible I was just trying to serve my way out of my Sin, but I have come a long way in just a few years. I want to help others receive the healing that I have. I started speaking because I want others to know they are not alone. I have met SO MANY MANY wonderful women that I never would have met had I not lost My Lucy. T'hey will NEVER replace Lucy. Nothing ever will, but there is something comforting in the fact that her Life has FOREVER changed mine, no matter what happened to her, her Life has still made one of the greatest impacts on me that any life has, and I am seeing that it is making an impact on others all over.
And now we are facing this whole child issue. We have placed it in God's hands, but it is hard to not keep pulling back and saying, "Okay, so what now? What is going to happen? Should we expect you to give us more children? What does the future look like?" I know my life-our lives are still being effected by what happened. We have discussed it time and time again. When Samantha is older, we want to foster and help an "unwanted" child. We want to give them a home that loves them and wants them there. I want to give Samantha that sister that she missed out on. I want the child we adopt to have that family unit she missed out on, I want Lucy to continue making a difference, because Lucy's Life has meaning.
Lucy's. Life. Is. Beautiful.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Sibling Trouble
It was getting easier, everything was. My struggles were becoming part of my past and I was able to talk about my Lucy with a renewed spirit. Then my daughter said this, "If you hadn't let Lucy die, I would have a little sister!" Of course she said it out of anger and now she regrets it. She keeps trying to take it back and say that she doesn't want a sister. She wants to be an only child. "I like it. I really do." We tried to give Samantha a little sister and God just didn't it fit last year or the year before. So my Husband and I just gave it up to God and said, "Do whatever you will with us. Give us no more. Give us 10 more. Allow us to adopt. Don't allow us to adopt. Your will." That was 3 months ago. It still hurts. It isn't so much, "We aren't pregnant this month," that hurts. I am a big girl. I can wait. It is the fear that the one thing in this world my daughter asks for, I won't be able to give her. What if I never will? Will she hate me forever? She had a chance at a sister, and I ruined it. Did I take that privilege away forever?
I have been having flashbacks to when I found out I was pregnant. It just hit me. I have really been pregnant twice. There are two ways that it could have went. We could have been happy, told everyone with a cute announcement, talked it up to our daughter about being a big sister, read her all the books...But we didn't. It went the other way. She never knew until it was too late. And instead of watching Mommy's belly grow and holding her hand to it to feel kicks, she had to watch Mommy cry herself to sleep at night for months.
And yes, she has seen me overcome most of the pain, but when will it all end? Will my abortion continue to come back and haunt me? How could I be so careless to throw away the life of my little one and possibly any future children?
I am praying and saying, "God, I will accept what you throw at me. I will be one of those Moms who undertakes a family of 12 if I have to. If that is what you want." But it is hard when you feel like God is saying, "No. You had your chance. I will not entrust you with another life." I feel like God is rejecting me. When I know he might just be calling me to greater things, like fostering and adopting-which we want to do. But that is a long time away. A few years at least. Lord, just one baby. I just wish I could have one more baby to hold and to nurse. To be my own because I Missed that with my Lucy. I Missed that. And I Want That. I Need That. But it feels like I will never get that. And neither will Samantha.
I have been having flashbacks to when I found out I was pregnant. It just hit me. I have really been pregnant twice. There are two ways that it could have went. We could have been happy, told everyone with a cute announcement, talked it up to our daughter about being a big sister, read her all the books...But we didn't. It went the other way. She never knew until it was too late. And instead of watching Mommy's belly grow and holding her hand to it to feel kicks, she had to watch Mommy cry herself to sleep at night for months.
And yes, she has seen me overcome most of the pain, but when will it all end? Will my abortion continue to come back and haunt me? How could I be so careless to throw away the life of my little one and possibly any future children?
I am praying and saying, "God, I will accept what you throw at me. I will be one of those Moms who undertakes a family of 12 if I have to. If that is what you want." But it is hard when you feel like God is saying, "No. You had your chance. I will not entrust you with another life." I feel like God is rejecting me. When I know he might just be calling me to greater things, like fostering and adopting-which we want to do. But that is a long time away. A few years at least. Lord, just one baby. I just wish I could have one more baby to hold and to nurse. To be my own because I Missed that with my Lucy. I Missed that. And I Want That. I Need That. But it feels like I will never get that. And neither will Samantha.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)