Third Christmas Without Lucy and Anniversary Triggers

Yesterday was Christmas. I am not going to lie, it went pretty well. Lots and lots of distractions. But in the back of my mind, I am always thinking about Lucy. I didn't go to her Memorial today. Sometimes I do on Christmas. Sometimes I don't. It depends if I feel like I NEED to. Today I didn't, but with Lucy's anniversary being 4 days away, I know I will need to on Saturday. And I am a little anxious. Like it will be different this time...And I am not sure why.

Speaking of anxious...I stay anxious.

Between this year and last, I feel like I am slowly descending into madness. Last year's anniversaries being one of the things that triggered my OCD, and this year's anniversary...As it nears, I just feel anxious. About everything. About the whole end of the world thing...Everybody saying that aliens will be coming to visit us in our lifetime. That there will be a war among them...That our nation will fail soon because of this whole healthcare thing...(I believe pretty much anything anybody tells me unfortunately.) And that puts me in a constant state of anxiety. I am fearful all the time that someone is going to break in the house and shoot us. Don't get me wrong. We live in one of the safest neighborhoods in the area. We live right across from the police department, and when we talked to the police, they said that they never have to go to our area because as far as they can remember, nothing has happened on our road. So I don't know why, but the last few days, if Jessie isn't home, I get extremely paranoid, moreso than usual. One day we spent the entire day in the room because I thought that I felt soap fall in the bathroom and the cat was in my lap and Sam was asleep. It scared me to death, so after 2-1/2 hours, I took Jessie's shot gun, scanned the house, and then went to Sam's room, got a ton of toys and food from the kitchen, and I woke her up and we just played in the room all day. Another day, the attic creaked, so we left the house and didn't come back until Jessie came home and checked the attic. I am just so tired of feeling this way...

I didn't really like going to counseling all the time at HOPE or being on the medication, so I am trying to find my own "distractions" like I had to do to get off the medicine I was taking for OCD. So far, all I have come up with, is that in the mornings, when Jessie leaves for work, I instantly turn music on the television. It is loud enough that I won't hear every little noise. But it is quiet enough that the noises on the TV don't make me think I hear other noises and scare me...

This may all sound really crazy, and I don't like it one bit, but if I don't do something about it, I am going to lose my mind.

Christmas and Lucy

Christmas is the time of year that I really try to Remember Lucy, since December 29th is her "Heaven Day." (Thanks to Hannah, for showing me a better name for it.) Sometimes Christmas can be hard since the 29th is just 4 days after, but over the last few years, it has gotten easier.

Every year, since 2010, I have made her the same ornament. It is a purple angel. I always use a different material. The first year I used a pastel purple material and sewed it together to make a pillow ornament because the year before that we had learned to make those at school. The second year, I did a salt dough ornament because Samantha and I made salt dough ornaments. This year, I used some of the leftover wood from doing the floor. Jessie cut it out with a Skill Saw and I painted it and used a knife to carve her name and a Bible verse that reminds me the most of her-Jeremiah 29:11. The verse that got me through so much. I used it in the post abortive study that I wrote and I have it posted above my bed. Everytime I hear Jeremiah 29:11, I think how God had a plan for us all before we were born, even Lucy.

I chose purple because the same year we lost Lucy, my Papaw was shot. He was in the hospital for a very long time, and while he was in there, I made him a "Purple Heart" pillow. Purple reminds me of her because that is a color that I connect to that point in my life. And now I use it for her all the time. I even use Purple Dandelions as our symbol for the Post Abortive Ministry at the Center to Honor Lucy.

And I chose an Angel, because she is my Angel.

This year, though, Hannah, whom I met through her link to her blog at the Memorial for the Unborn, and I are swapping ornaments also. So I made one for her Luke. I did the same with hers, but used what reminds her of him. A green butterfly with Psalms 147:3 Attached to each one of the ornaments (Lucy's and Luke's) I put a paper that says:

In Memory of Luke Shiloh/Lucy Marie,
Who Lives Forever in the Heart of his/her Mom,
But Rests in the arms of the Lord.
Matthew 5:4

("Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.")

I just received mine from Hannah in the mail today. It is BEAUTIFUL! I really Love i! It is a clear ornament with purple pom poms inside. And a paper that says Lucy in Gorgeous text. It has dandelions on it. I really just Love it. It means a lot to me. Thank you, Hannah!

Hannah also sent me something for Lucy's heaven Day, but I can't open it until the 29th. I am anxious to open it. Thanks again, Hannah!

Here are some pictures.  

Lucy's 2010 Ornament and Pillow

Lucy's 2011 Ornament

Lucy and Luke's 2012 Ornaments

 

Honoring Lucy, Serving God

I am not sure really where to begin but to just say where we are now. 

I do not have time to say everything I want to say, to detail every emotion that I felt from the time I lost my Lucy up until now. To really describe the sadness that goes along with abortion, knowing that you are the reason that your child is not there, that your child did not turn one on their birthday, that they will never get to blow on a dandelion or smell the Spring air. And that because of that, you will never get to hold her-or him and kiss their boo boos or sing silly songs with her or bake a cake or get to know their personality. 

Really in a situation like this, all you have to hold onto is faith, faith that there is a reason all of this happened, faith that what the Bible says, is true-I WILL see my Lucy one day in Heaven. And she will hug me and Forgive me, because she was never even angry. And she will tell me she Loves me and that she has always Loved me like I Love her. She knows no anger or sadness or unforgiveness. What a wondrous thing, and I live everyday hoping it is true.

It is hard to go from the darkness to realizing all I have now is Faith. But I think I am headed there. In 2011, Lucy would have turned 1 on August 21st. I was part of a forum specifically meant for women who have had an abortion or family members who are also going through someone close to them having an abortion. (It is very helpful, for them to see how women actually feel after an abortion-not what the clinics say.) The website is called http://www.passboards.org I didn't drive at the time, so my attempts to go to post abortive counseling at the women's center in my area were futile. My Husband worked day shift, and the center was closed after he got home from work. So I joined an online recovery group on the PASS Boards. It was personally crafted by the moderator of the site based on the stages she went through after her abortion. And what a life changing group that was. It started me down a path I never knew I would take.

It was hard to work through retelling my story and dealing with the anger and remembering my Baby. In fact, it was so hard, I think that is one thing that triggered my OCD. A few weeks after starting the group, and I didn't connect the two until recently, I began crying a lot, also because of her Would Have Been Birthday. And then I decided that my house was dirty. (Ask anyone, it wasn't. We lived in a 2 bedroom, 900 square foot apartment. It was not hard to keep pretty much spotless, and those hard to reach places, like under the stove and inside the washer, I cleaned those once a month.) But this-this was much worse. I began cleaning constantly. I cleaned from the time I woke up until 2 or 3 in the morning, after cleaning for about 16 hours straight, when I would finally be too tired to do anything else. I went to bed thinking about what needed to be cleaned. I cleaned things that were not there. I cleaned things that I cleaned 3 and 4 times that day. I took a toothbrush and a knife to cut any dirt I saw out of the shower doors. I dug so deep, sometimes the knife slipped and I had cuts all over my hands. I scrubbed so hard and used so much bleach, my hands were blistered and raw. I got rid of anything and everything I did not believe to be in perfect shape. I was a mess. I remember lying awake some nights thinking, "Why me, Lord? I have already been through so much. Why me?" I couldn't even spend time with my daughter during the day, enough to even have lunch with her, and my do I regret that. I knew I didn't have that kind of time to waste. My Husband didn't know how much more he could take, so he told me we needed to find me some help. So I did. 

I found GA HOPE. It is a counseling center for people with no insurance. I made an appointment, and it was that week that I started driving. When I started, they diagnosed me with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), PASS (Post Abortive Stress Syndrome), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome-Practically the same, because it was for the same reason.) and GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). They placed me in weekly counseling at the center, weekly counseling with someone different at my house, and then I periodically had to see the nurse and doctor because they placed me on medication. (I really did not want to go on medication. I am not a huge supporter of modern medicine, but at that point, I would have tried anything.) I saw my counselor a few times and the medicine had not kicked in. On Christmas Eve-I remember-is when it kicked in. I started feeling funny, and all of a sudden everything seemed dirtier. I couldn't quick crying because it was just too much. I felt like I was going to explode. I called the doctor to see what was going on, but of course there was no answer on Christmas Eve. So we left the house. I went and spent time with my daughter-real time, for the first time in months. We went and saw family and when my Husband got off work, he came with us too. And then we came home. And everything seemed, just a little bit cleaner, like it didn't NEED to be scrubbed right that moment. It was nice. We watched movies together that night and ate popcorn, and I didn't even clean up until the next morning. What a huge step for me! 

So as time passed, I continued to see them. One day, in April, I had some clothes I wanted to donate to a Women's Center, ONLY a Women's Center, because I firmly believed in helping out women who chose to keep their babies. I had some of the most Beautiful dresses I had ever seen for a little girl that the Women's Center gave me when I went in to test with Lucy, and I wanted to give them back now that my daughter had out grown them, but they could not take that size anymore. So I asked my counselor for the number to the local Women's Center. And she gave it to me. I decided to take my clothes there, and I did not know what a difference that would be in my life. 

When I arrived I felt compelled to ask them if they needed volunteers. (I have never seen someone so excited about volunteers. When I asked the Women's Center in my area, I never really heard back from them.) But this lady ran all the way to the back and brought me an application and let me tour the center. That day she "hired" me. I told her I noticed the front said they offer post abortive recovery classes, and that I wanted to help in that area, because that was my passion, and she informed me they didn't have classes at all, but she wished they did. 

I did not realize I would walk out that day in charge of the new post abortive classes. My job was to find or write a curriculum, find ways to "advertise" it, and then counsel the people who came in. Wow. What a job! I was SO EXCITED! I called my Husband and he was surprisingly supportive! 

Without all the cleaning, I had a lot of time on my hands. :) So I began volunteering on Thursdays, and my daughter stayed with a family member. (Sometimes now she goes with me to help out, and I think it is great for her to see and be around.) I started from scratch, and based my study off of the one I completed. The study has evolved so much since then. It was a basic study, which turned into a small Bible based study, which turned into a Bible based study with videos and activities. 

It wasn't long after that I met another lady at the center who had also had an abortion, and after 26 years was still processing it and had not even told her family, only us at the center. She completed an independent study, and then made the suggestion that we should also start a group Bible study. That has been a task to prep for! We trained with the Women's Center I had gone to with Lucy. It was only a one day training, and we felt we needed more, so we went on to go through the actual study in a group lead by that center. It was an amazing experience. It was 8 weeks long, with one week that we met twice, Friday night and all day Saturday. There was something powerful about being in that woman's home (the leader) with the group of women God placed me with. We went through so much together, we laughed, we cried, we shared our story, we worked on anger, we did activities together. One of my favorites had to be when we smashed our cups on the ground and had to glue them all back together. Another was when we watched the heart breaking movie, Tilly and lit candles in remembrance of our angels. Very powerful. 

Each woman there has and always will have a special place in my heart. One woman, our silent observer, has such a tender heart. Everything she says is sweet and loving, and sincere. Another woman, one of our leaders, who is brave and bold and she has such a giving heart. She always knew how to make us feel special and comfortable. She made us special lunches and snacks. She gave us bags to hold our group stuff in and book covers in case we didn't want people to see what book we had. She sent cards of encouragement. She was always thinking of us. And our other group leader, she was so funny. She really added some light to the group when we were all feeling down. She knew how to make us feel like there is hope. I felt a real connection with her. God knew what he was doing when he placed those women together. And when he placed us. Every single one of us in the group was different. There was one lady, the lady that you see sitting in church on Sunday and you just think her life is perfect, that she is stuck up and rich and has it all going for her. (So you think.) She was somewhat famous in our area because she was married to a political figure of some sort, but it really made me realize that things aren't always the way you think they are. This woman was going through a lot. She was hurting for her lost child and hurting for her kids that she has now that are struggling with becoming adults. And it was so life changing to see her come in so cold at the beginning of the group. She kept asking, "Why am I here? I don't think I need to be here." To, "I know why God sent me here." She just opened up each time we met. It was amazing. And another girl, who had waited over a decade to come to group, and you could see that had just been through so much. She had a terrible self imagine. She had been in bad relationships and she was struggling to make it day to day. But to hear her, in the end, say, "I am not stupid. I am not ugly. God knows what he is doing with my life." And my dear friend that I work with at the center, all the time right beside me, going through the same steps I was, sharing our story with each other on the way home, detailing how our recovery was going...Amazing, powerful stuff. I never thought God would take us this far in only 8 months. 

We will be ready to get up and running early this Spring. We already had a luncheon and talked to several of the pastor's wives in the area about what we are beginning, and I was asked to come and speak at a church in January for Sanctity of Human Life month! This church is a huge church with thousands of members in one service, and they have several services. On top of that, it will be telecasted in 3 different locations of theirs, which also have several thousand members. What an exciting day that will be! God has really turned all this around. 

Let me back up, here is one of the best parts. In May of this year, before all the training, but after I began volunteering, I started having memory problems. I could not remember what day it was or even the season. I woke up in late May thinking about how Christmas was right around the corner. And one  time, while driving, I forgot where I was or how I got there, so they took me off my medication. They were going to put me on a different medication, but before they did, my Husband and I decided to try and have a baby! Which was a miracle because after what happened with Lucy, we didn't feel like we deserved anymore children, and we were dead set on never having more. So that was a huge turn around. I decided not to go back on medication since you can't take it while you are pregnant, and see how I could deal without it. And I have not looked back. I stopped receiving counseling and have not had any problems since. I am still not pregnant, and although I feel down sometimes and scared because of how long it is taking, I know there is a reason for it all. God knows what is best and he has shown me time and time again. 

And because of that, I am Honoring Lucy and Trusting and Serving God. 

Side Note: I probably will not mention much about my daughter, Samantha, or my Husband in this blog-I have others-so I will get it all out now. 

My daughter is an amazing 4 year old little girl. She loves to dance and perform and is very outgoing-big change from how shy she used to be. She is extremely smart. We homeschool her and plan to do so for the rest of her "school years." We use child lead learning, and that has proved to be very effective with her. She Loves her sister, Lucy very much. She has known about Lucy since it happened. She was around a year old at the time, so it is starting to make more sense to her as she gets older. She comforts me when I have my sad days. She helps me to honor her by assisting at the center and she helps me with things like ornaments I make her. She even writes letters to Lucy. When she sees Dandelions, she always thinks of Lucy. She knows Lucy is in Heaven, and she tells me all the time that she can't wait to meet her. 

My Husband, who is also Lucy's (and Samantha's) father, is an amazing man. We have been through a lot with the anger and unforgiveness I had toward him about Lucy, but we have worked through it. He completely supports me in what I do at the Women's Center. (Although, he is not too keen on the telecasting thing yet.) He would do anything for me to be able to achieve my dreams, and that makes me very happy that I married a man like that. I am a very lucky woman. 

Her Name Is Lucy

To start this blog, I would like to introduce myself and my Angel, and give a little background. I started a blog about Lucy before and posted once, but forgot my log in, so I wanted start over and make this a place where I post regularly. 

My name is Brittany. Her name is Lucy. She would have been my second living child, but instead she is my first little Angel. 

Conception Date: November 2009


Spread Her Wings: December 29, 2009 at 6-1/2 weeks


Due Date: August 21, 2010


I picked the name Lucy for the song Hey Lucy by Skillet.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8UB3VMN20Q


I picked the Dandelion flower for her, because if I had one wish, I would wish for her. I have pictures of Dandelions all over the house. We had this picture enlarged and displayed in the living room with some of our family pictures.

I had a memorial plate placed on the wall at the Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, TN, which is nice because I can go there on holidays and annversaries. I always leave her notes and such. I had a memorial held for her back in March, the 16th, where they read some Bible passages and played some music and had me light a candle. I also got to place her plate on the wall where I wanted it. I went on to have a group memorial recently, and it brought more peace to honor her with a group of other women who I feel close to that were also honoring their children. 

Website: http://www.memorialfortheunborn.org/

Virtual Wall: http://www.memorialfortheunborn.org/Home/AboutUs/VirtualWall/tabid/77/Default.aspx

Her Plate Says: 

Lucy

December 29, 2009

My Little Angel

This is where the service was held. 

This is the wall. It continues pretty far. 

Statue in the Garden

The Story of the Memorial

Lucy's plate is the top one. I left the blue paper. Notes are my way of feeling close to her.

I also have a memory box for her, just like the one I have for Samantha. I have a bunch of stuff that reminds me of her in it. I have some baby booties that were given to us by the women's services. Stuff from her memorial, her plates on a piece of marble, a crochet angel, the candle I lit, and a memorial program. I also have some recovery books that I have read. A photo album with a dandelion on it, filled with things like her ultrasound and pictures of her memorial. And a journal. I also put her letters and such in the journal.

Here is her ultrasound: (You can't see anything really, just a dot, but it is important for me to have because it is the only picture I have of her.)

And Lucy's Story: 

I copied and pasted it from the story I posted on a "PASS Support Forum" I get on. It is sort of long and "triggery," (the triggers are in red).

*trigger warning ~ mentions a young child* Pen to paper. Cursor to computer. I have written my story quite a few times. Each time there are more details in one area and less in another. But when I was asked to write my story this time, I decided that if it took everything out of me I would revisit every detail of my story. Let me start with where I was at during all this. This is a journal entry from December 2009. “Here I am, 17 years old. I just graduated high school, early, about a week ago.  I have a 1-year-old child and I just got married in August to my boyfriend of two years. I live with my Mom. Of course my Husband works and we pay half the bills, but I feel like a bum. I am about to feel even worse when she finds out  I am pregnant-again.”  December 20th 2009-I took “the test.” The test that would make a difference for the rest of my life. Two pink lines. NOT what I expected. We had only had sex once! My mind waivered back and forth. “How nice it would be for our little girl to have a sibling so close to her age!But…My Mom is going to kick us out. What will we do on my Husband’s Wendy’s salary?” But I guessed it didn’t matter anymore because what was done was done. About an hour later I received a text from my Husband at work. “Maybe we should get an abortion. I know neither one of us wants that or even believes in it, but it might be our only choice.” How livid I was, and hurt! How could he ask me to do that? It wasn’t going to happen. No doubt in my mind. We would NOT be doing that. I attempted to get excited even though I had to keep it a secret from family and I felt like my Husband didn’t want OUR child. I told a few friends and I started  thinking about Baby items, and thinking if I wanted a boy or a girl this time. That only lasted a few days, because shortly after my Husband asked for me to go walk with in the Chickamauga Battle Field. This is where we made our decision. Around and around the field we walked quite a few times before either of us ever said a word. We both knew why we were there. I can’t recall the exact conversation or how it even began. I do know, however, that I had the worst gut-wrenching terrible, fearful, feeling about what was going to happen next. It somehow was brought to what “needed to be done.” And his list of “reasons why” seem so meaningless now. He reasoned that it was because the doctor told me to consider not having more kids due to a blood condition, and he didn’t want to lose me. Then he went on to reason that we would get kicked out and he would have to work twice as many hours to pay bills and with two kids…he just didn’t know what that would do to our marriage. Then…Then he hit me where it hurt. Our daughter. Her name is Samantha. She had so many medical conditions. She wasn’t progressing physically like she should have been. She had weekly therapy appointments. And swallow studies. And constant checkups for her leg braces. At that point they were labeling her “special needs.” He said, “She needs us. We will lose her if we don’t have a place to live.” Adoption was my only reply. But he said it doesn’t work that way. We would still get kicked out and all of the above would still take place, but minus one child. And then. Then I gave in. I gave into the list of reasons. Reasons that, like I stated before are so meaningless now. When I look back and go over them I think to myself all the possible solutions to each problem. But I was just so scared at the time. So scared I would have done anything to be “un-scared.” My last few words were, “You know I will be angry with you and it will probably take me a little while to get over.” And his response, “I don’t want you to be angry with me.” Now that I think about it, the anger rises up in me for that empty response. And then anger towards myself for not knowing that it wouldn’t be just that easy. My time perception during that week is clouded. It seems more like weeks or even a month than just days. I do not even know how many clinics I called. One after the other rejected me for one reason or the next. Thinking AAA Women’s Services was a local clinic, and it was, some years ago, I called to make an appointment when they offered me a free test and ultrasound. So we went. Just to see what they had to say. What help they had to offer. My test, once again, was positive. And they went on to tell us how Blessed we were. Why did we not listen? Why did we not listen? They gave us pamphlets and a Bible and let us pick out  some Baby booties for our child due on August 21st 2010. As we left the center, I flipped a card over and over in my hand. It had services they offered listed on the back and then on the front was the information for the on site abortion counselor’s. They must have known…I cried all the way home. And once I got there, I tucked the card safely away, where I knew it would be when I needed it. I feel so selfish. I remember looking over and over the Internet one afternoon and telling my Husband that there was a pill you could take if you weren’t too far along. I figured it would be quick and painless. And I remember telling him that  if I had to have the surgery done I wouldn’t do it and he would have to figure it out himself. How selfish of me. How-selfish of me. I must have called 50 or 60 clinics within miles of each other trying to find one without an age limit (even though I was married) and without protocol. (Most clinics said you must live within an hour of them in case an emergency arises.) I told my Husband that there was one more place on the list, and if they did not accept me, I was done. We would just tell my Mom. And, as if the Devil perfectly placed each little stepping stone in front of me… The lady on the phone told me that I needed to come in as soon as possible, in the next day or two. So she made me an appointment for December 29th, 2009. Just days after Christmas. This is the day I lost my Lucy. I remember eating peanut butter all night the night before so that my iron wouldn’t be too low and I wouldn’t get “rejected.” Early in the morning we left for Atlanta, Georgia, about an hour’s drive. My Husband and I tried to play “car games” on the way up there. We kept saying, “Once this is over, everything will be easier.” I kept saying I knew I would hurt from it, but I don’t think I realized what the depth of this “hurt” would be like, more like living-dead. We pulled up to a large building full of business, and hiding in shame, there it was, Summit Medical Center, in the back, bottom, corner of the building. A small, dimly lit office full of women of all ages. Some looked calmer than others. Some were crying. Some were yelling at their mothers to hush and just  “Let them do it! It was their child anyway!” I was handed a clip board and some papers to fill out. One question after the other. And I remember looking at the question, “Has anyone made you feel like you have to have an abortion?” And I wanted to circle yes, but there was my Husband beside me. I circled no. We waited for hours before I was called back for my ultrasound, which my Husband was NOT allowed back for due to the confidentiality of the other women. What other women? There were none in the room with me. The ultrasound specialist told me to take my clothes off and after I get the cover on lie down on the table. She proceeded to do my ultrasound, but it was very uncomfortable, and as many may do in that situation, I moved around a little bit, only to have her yelling at me that if I didn’t sit still long enough for her to get a picture, we would  “Not be able to go through with the termination.” Right at that moment I wanted to pick up and leave. I wanted to scream, “Good! I don’t want to anyway!” But I couldn’t. I felt so trapped. Like I was on lockdown and I couldn’t change my mind or they would shutdown all the doors and sound the alarms and drag me back to the back…So I laid there and dealt with it while she took a picture. I asked her how far I was and she stated that  I was about 6-1/2 weeks and that that was the perfect time to do the medical abortion. My heart sunk as I saw her circle the word “Yes” under the question “Cardiac Activity.” I had a perfectly healthy potential life in me for only a moment. And then soon she would be gone.  After being sent back out to the waiting room and then back again for an RH and iron test, and then back out and back in again, I was sent into a room full of women. Women that I will never forget. Some that looked terrified. Some that just didn’t seem to care. They said things like, “How much longer is this going to take? I am hungry!” Or “I have a long drive home.” Or “I have had several abortions before and I have never been to a place this slow.” And I, I just wanted to hang my head down in shame. Maybe all their nonchalant comments were just a cover up. Maybe they regret it now. Maybe they don’t. But just to go through that and to hear that. And to know that I was sitting there too, just like them, waiting on the same thing…a cup full of little pills…I was completely disheartened. And as they passed around the consent papers and made follow up appointments-that I never did attend, they also handed out those tiny little cups and repeated instructions on what to do and how to do it. What to expect and how to cope with the pain. And as I stared at that pill I thought of all the reasons I HAD to do this. January 02nd 2010:  “But I did it for Samantha-so she would have us and a place to live and a good future. I did it for Jessie-so he wouldn’t have to work all the time-so he wouldn’t always be so angry at me-at us, his Family. That is what went through my mind. So I took it.” And as I did, the last words I heard as I left were, “Happy Passing.” Happy Passing? Happy Passing…Those words will never leave my head. They will forever stay there and echo as if the lady were standing right next to me, lingering over me for the rest of my life. I broke down in the car on the way back, and my Husband passed half heated attempts to get me to eat and “feel better.” We finally stopped at a convenient store to get some hotdogs, one of my favorites, but he should have known it takes more than a hotdog to mend a shattered heart. And that wasn’t even the end. January 02nd, 2010:  “I wonder what she would have been like. Would she have been healthy? Would she even be a she? Would we have named her Maygen Marie like we wanted? Would she be a Happy Baby, a Calm Baby? What would she look like when she grew up? How would her likes and dislikes change? And the biggest question I keep asking myself, “Did we make the right choice?”  The next day, at home,  I had to insert the next set of pills. And all the while my one year old daughter wanted to hang all over me and Love on me and all I could do was cry and cry because she had no idea what was going on. And if she did, she would probably hate me. Hate me for taking away what could have been her little sister, someone for her to have to lean on and to Love, even after we were long gone. She would have someone there for her. The foggy part of my story was in the days after. So much was happening around me. Almost like punishment for what we had done. My grandfather was shot and in the hospital. He hasn’t been the same since. Our car completely broke, leaving us with no way to our first days of college. And my brother attempted suicide by jumping out in front of an 18-wheeler truck. The only thing I remember was a single written sentence in my journal, January 04rd, 2010: “Without you, I feel-incomplete.  And it is so hard to see you pass.”  My emotions are much different now than in the beginning. Sometimes I think maybe facing it has just made things worse. Also time has made it easier and harder to accept, but I guess that is just part of it. September 23rd, 2011: I Miss You, Lucy. But I am beginning to feel Peace. I have done much in the way of trying to heal since my abortion. I have gone through a bit of counseling to no avail. Done some recovery workbooks. Joined PASS. Held a Memorial Service for Lucy. And attempted some self-help activities like journaling, talking to friends who have been through the same thing, and volunteering to help others. Now I am part of this SRG in Hopes that I will be to the point one day that I can completely and fully accept that I am Forgiven and that I will again, one day, see my Little Lucy. …It is so hard for me to go back are relive this in such detail. I am having to pause. Take a moment. Breath. Go through her journal. And, something I have not felt the urge to do in a long time, revisit the website. It is almost like I am trying to torture myself… And up rises all these emotions. Grief for the child that I once had. Regret because it is my fault, yet blame toward my Husband because it is his. And anger for those who made it easy for us, even though they didn’t know. My Mother-In-Law for watching our daughter while we were on our “date.” My Husband’s Best Friend for taking his shift at Wendy’s that day. The clinic for accepting me…Even HandR Block for giving us a loan on our income tax and the school for telling us we did not have to pay for his classes like we thought-the original reason for obtaining the loan. All these things that made it so possible, so “convenient” for us. This is my story. I am telling it for Lucy.

After I wrote this story a lot of things changed. When I wrote this, Lucy's Would Have Been 1st Birthday had just passed and it triggered my OCD. I was struggling a lot with that when the Lord lead me to the Women's Enrichment Center of Dalton. Soon after that, I began serving in the post abortion ministry there. They had nobody to lead it, so there I was, ready to serve. And scared to death. We are still in the process of getting up and running. I have finished writing the individual counseling curriculum and I am now working with another woman at the center to train for the Save One group recovery (which we will hold twice a year). I am confident God has great things in store for us. 

So far I have attended some training, Shared my story with numerous others. And just recently gave a short presentation to the wives of pastors in our community. I was asked by one of the women there to speak at their church in January for Sanctity of Human Life month. I am nervous. It is a huge church, but I am up for whatever God wants me to do. 

I aspire to one day take part in the 40 Days for Life campaign and maybe one day lobby in Washington with the SIlent No More Awareness campaign. There are so many different parts of the ministry, helping women feel loved after an abortion, helping them find peace, fighting for what is right, and even helping women find alternatives. I guess I just need to sit back and let God lead me. It seems like right now, he wants me right where I am, helping those women who feel like they will never get back on their feet, never be loved again or alive and free. I hope to change that for them.

Lucy has made a big difference in my life, in who I am.  I have become more understanding. My preacher says "Ten minutes out of the will of God and a man will do anything." And I think that is a good quote. 

I have learned to take my time and enjoy Samantha, be better to her, closer to her. She is a special child. She is my only living child.  

My relationship with my Husband has been healed recently. At first I went through so many emotions toward him, mostly anger, hatred. But I worked through them. He is finally able to talk to me about it. He has told me how much he truly regrets what we did, the decision we made, and that he feels guilty for practically making me feel forced to do it. He misses her like I do, and we both wish we could go back, but we can't. The only thing we can do is go forward. He supports me in the volunteer work I do to try and help women who are considering an abortion or helping to heal those who have. That is all I could ever ask for. And maybe, just maybe one day he will be able to help in the healing of men hurting through abortion. And then, maybe not. I can't wait to see what is in store for us.