It was getting easier, everything was. My struggles were becoming part of my past and I was able to talk about my Lucy with a renewed spirit. Then my daughter said this, "If you hadn't let Lucy die, I would have a little sister!" Of course she said it out of anger and now she regrets it. She keeps trying to take it back and say that she doesn't want a sister. She wants to be an only child. "I like it. I really do." We tried to give Samantha a little sister and God just didn't it fit last year or the year before. So my Husband and I just gave it up to God and said, "Do whatever you will with us. Give us no more. Give us 10 more. Allow us to adopt. Don't allow us to adopt. Your will." That was 3 months ago. It still hurts. It isn't so much, "We aren't pregnant this month," that hurts. I am a big girl. I can wait. It is the fear that the one thing in this world my daughter asks for, I won't be able to give her. What if I never will? Will she hate me forever? She had a chance at a sister, and I ruined it. Did I take that privilege away forever?
I have been having flashbacks to when I found out I was pregnant. It just hit me. I have really been pregnant twice. There are two ways that it could have went. We could have been happy, told everyone with a cute announcement, talked it up to our daughter about being a big sister, read her all the books...But we didn't. It went the other way. She never knew until it was too late. And instead of watching Mommy's belly grow and holding her hand to it to feel kicks, she had to watch Mommy cry herself to sleep at night for months.
And yes, she has seen me overcome most of the pain, but when will it all end? Will my abortion continue to come back and haunt me? How could I be so careless to throw away the life of my little one and possibly any future children?
I am praying and saying, "God, I will accept what you throw at me. I will be one of those Moms who undertakes a family of 12 if I have to. If that is what you want." But it is hard when you feel like God is saying, "No. You had your chance. I will not entrust you with another life." I feel like God is rejecting me. When I know he might just be calling me to greater things, like fostering and adopting-which we want to do. But that is a long time away. A few years at least. Lord, just one baby. I just wish I could have one more baby to hold and to nurse. To be my own because I Missed that with my Lucy. I Missed that. And I Want That. I Need That. But it feels like I will never get that. And neither will Samantha.
