Human Life Sunday at Rocky Face Baptist

I have found my calling! I so enjoy speaking! I never have such a thrill as when I stand up and share Lucy's story! That is not something in a MILLION years I thought I would enjoy doing, but when God calls you to do something, he equips you with what you need. 

Not to say that it has been easy for me at all. Preparing was a breeze, but beforehand I get so nervous. I feel sick the morning of and before I go up, my heart beats like crazy and I feel like jello. Luckily, I have not had to deal with the issue of constantly stumbling over my words or forgetting where I am at and going "um." That is a blessing! Afterward, though, I do worry if I was standing up straight or I had decent facial expressions. I am so focused on what I am saying and making sure I am going at a good pace, I do not think of those things. On a positive note, I have been very surprised at how well I do at making eye contact. In fact, I looked Jessie in the eye several times while giving my speech today.

With all that said, let me start from the beginning. I woke up super early this morning to get ready and go over my speech. I loaded up the car with everything I needed to bring to set up the table. Got Sam and Jessie ready and we were on our way!

We found where we needed to be pretty easy. We arrived at 10 o'clock and so did Vickie. She helped me set up the table. We had several pamphlets and some model babies with cards on fetal development. We met the pastor and talked for a few minutes on what to do and when.

Before I knew it, church had started. They did some music, prayer, and baptized a man. Then Vickie stood up, gave an update on the center, and introduced me and the family. I was up next. I began my speech, and after the first word, my anxiety wore off. As I spoke, I kept looking at Jessie. After my first few paragraphs about the center and the services we are offering, Jessie started looking down at the floor. He was crying. He has never heard me tell my side of the story BEGINNING to END. He has heard bits and pieces, the more they talk. But after that day, we just didn't discuss it in detail. It was not until recently that he shared a little of his experience in the waiting room. He said one thing that bothered him was that there were MOMS in there complaining that "They needed to hurry up with their daughter. Because they had school the next day!" Anyway, getting off topic, when I sat down, he squeezed my arm and broke down. I have noticed a change in him the last 12 hours. I am hoping this is a break through to something new.

Samantha looked up to me, her eyes so big and said, "Mommy, you did such a great job on your speech! I am really proud of you!" I won't go too much into this, but the last few weeks Sam has been real upset that she STILL is not a big sister. I just remind her that she is. I tell her that she has a baby sister up in Heaven and that she can be a good big sister by helping me out at the center and sitting with me at churches for support, etc. She felt so important after I told her that. She is even more eager to help. Today she behaved during church, watched me when I gave my speech, shook the hands of the people who came to the front to talk to us, and even talked about choosing life!!! 

Speaking of, after church, the pastor had us all come down to the front. We prayed and then everyone came up to the front and spoke with us. I felt so Blessed to have Jessie standing up there with me, supporting me. I never believed we would make it THIS far.

When we got in the car, Jessie told me he thought I did an amazing job and that he was really proud. (Which I was happy that he is finally FULLY approving of what I want to do. That is important to me because I didn't like hiding it at first. Telling him I was only speaking to share our services.) He then looked at me seriously and said..."Did you really write that speech?" I asked him what he meant? How could I steal someone else's material while writing my own story? He said that he was just very impressed with how well written it was. (He has never really read my writing-just not something I do on a regular basis, except my blogging. But that is MY thing.) I just told him it is something I am passionate about, something close to my heart. He said he gets it.

Afterward, the lady who invited me to speak at the church said she wanted to take us out for lunch. So we went to Guthrie's. It is apparently Florida's version of Zaxby's. Jessie enjoyed talking to Vickie's husband. They found common ground-hunting. And Vickie and I talked about a little of everything-the center, kids, family...

It was such a nice day. I felt so...alive today. So...alive.

*For Hannah: Jessie did not record it for me. He said he wanted to focus on my speech instead. So the lady I talked to said that as long as the sound system has been fixed, they should have a disc with the entire service on it. If they do, she will get me a copy. :) 

Here is my speech: Since I had my speeches so close together and did not want to get them confused, I used the same base and adapted each one for the place I was going. This one is the longer of the two. I added more details about the center and more about the clinic.

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I would like to start by saying thank you to everyone for your continual support of our center. Without our supporters, we would not be able to provide free pregnancy tests, baby items, and counseling for women in crisis.

I am excited to announce that this Spring we will be starting our first post abortive recovery group using the Bible based Save One curriculum. It is a 7 week, one night a week program that deals with each emotion that needs to be addressed when recovering from an abortion. It is for all ages, and it does not matter if it has been a year since your abortion or 30 years. Each group will only have 3 to 4 women and 2 leaders. It is a very small, close knit group that involves prayer, Bible study, activities, and discussion. The nights we get together are a very special time of fellowship and healing.

We are also offering individual counseling using a custom curriculum for those who are not comfortable or ready to be in a group setting. The days and times for that are flexible. The program lasts 6 weeks, 1 session a week.

If you would like to speak to me about our new post abortive counseling or any of the center’s services or just have a question, I have a table set up with more information and I would love to talk to you after the service.

But I guess it is about time that I introduce myself. My name is Brittany. I am 20 years old. I have been with my Husband for 6 years. Together, we have two children. One of those children is in Heaven this morning. Her name is Lucy.

Lucy never had the chance to walk this Earth. She has never had the chance to smell a flower or breath a breath of fresh air. Lucy went to be with God before she was even born.

On December 29^th 2009, I found out I was pregnant-again. Those two pink lines once brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart, but this time, all it brought was fear. And what are we going to do? Our daughter had just turned one that September and we were living with my Mom while I finished school.  Though my Husband worked, we struggled paying out half of the bills. And if my Mom found out, we would have to leave. At that point, adoption didn’t even seem like an option. The devil bombarded us with lie after lie. We could not afford to be on our own. Nobody would help us. We had nowhere to go. We had no other choice, we thought. 

At that time, my daughter, Samantha, seemed more-real to me than the child that had just started growing inside of me a few week before. But I was wrong. The CHILD inside of me had a heartbeat just the same as the one I was holding in my arms. That CHILD inside of me had hands and feet all the same. It was my job to protect this child, this gift living inside of me, but by time I realized that, I was too late. I had an abortion. December 29^th, 2009 was the last time that I held my precious child safely inside of me. 

We pulled up to a large building full of businesses, and hiding in shame, there it was, Summit Medical Center, in the back, bottom, corner of the building. A small, dimly lit office full of women of all ages. Some looked calmer than others. Some were crying. Some were yelling at their mothers to hush and just  “Let them do it! It was their CHILD anyway!” I was handed a clipboard and some papers to fill out.

We waited for hours before I was called back for my ultrasound. Right at that moment I felt so trapped. Like I was on lockdown and I couldn’t change my mind or they would shutdown all the doors and sound the alarms and drag me back to the back. I asked her how far I was and she stated that I was about 6-1/2 weeks and that was the perfect time to do the medical abortion. My heart sunk as I saw her circle the word “Yes” under Cardiac Activity. I had a perfectly healthy life inside of me, and soon she would be gone.

After my ultrasound, they went through a few more tests and then sent me back in a room full of other women who were all there for the same thing…a cup full of pills.

And as they passed around the consent papers and made follow up appointments-that I never did attend, they also handed out those tiny little cups and repeated instructions on what to do and how to do it. What to expect and how to cope with the pain. And as I stared at that pill I thought of all the reasons I felt I HAD to do this. So I took it. And as I did, the last words I heard as I left were, “Happy Passing.” I didn’t know what was so happy about it…

I left that building so ashamed of myself. I already wanted to take it back. All I could think about is how….MAYBE, somehow it didn’t work. Maybe I could have that second chance to hold my child and rock her, tell her that I Love her and would never hurt her. But it didn’t happen that way. 

I always knew having an abortion was considered wrong. I knew that it wasn’t an easy experience. I remember saying to my Husband, “It will take awhile for me to get over it. And I will probably be mad at you afterward.” But I just didn’t know the road that lie ahead of me. The events that happened on December 29^th that year left a Lucy shaped hole in my heart that only the Lord could fill.

For two years I suffered, trying to deal with my emotions. Anger toward my Husband and my Mom, people who didn’t have a clue what I had done. And with guilt, bearing the weight of knowing-I-my child’s mother-was responsible for the fact that she would not enter this world on August 21^st, 2010 or any day before or after.

I buried my secret and I tried to bury all the emotions along with it. After the passing of what would have been Lucy’s 1^st birthday, I broke. I started having severe issues with anxiety and OCD. I fell absolutely to pieces. I hit the bottom, and when I did, the Lord was there to pick me back up and help me put myself back together.

This is where my true healing began.

He lead me to the HOPE Center to receive counseling. While I was there, one of my counselors told me about Women’s Enrichment Center in Dalton. It wasn’t long after that I began serving there.  While at the center, I have found a tremendous amount of healing. I have spent my last year there attending a recovery group. I started getting to know the child I lost. I have talked to those involved in my abortion and found forgiveness for each one, including myself. And lastly, but definitely not least, I have been reading my Bible and praying to find that Peace the Lord promises all of us. And finally, this past Fall, while training to co-lead our New Save One group, I found complete Peace in the Lord.

Sometimes it takes 20 or 30 years for someone to seek help after an abortion, for whatever reason. Maybe they are embarrassed or think they don’t need it, but women and men, if you are here today and have lost your child or children to abortion, I encourage you to seek help, if you haven’t already. The Lord Loves us, his children, very much, and He does not want to see us suffer any longer than we already have. If you are here today and you know somebody suffering with the after effects of abortion, let them know they are not alone. And lastly, if you are here today and you are facing an unexpected pregnancy, there are options. Think twice, PROTECT the life of your child, like so many others before you wish they had.

Lucy may never have walked this Earth or smelled a flower, but her life did not stop that day at the clinic. She lives through her family, who loves her very much, her Mom, her Dad, and her big sister. Unfortunately, I became her voice a little too late, but now she has the chance to make the difference in the lives of so many. 

Program for the NMU Service

Thank You Card from NMU

Information Area

Program For Sanctity of Life Service at Rocky Face

Center Update

All is well at the Center. We have been busily preparing for this coming Spring! One of the reasons I am giving speeches at different churches is to get the word out that we will be starting our very first post abortive recovery group THIS SPRING/SUMMER!

Today I worked on my speech some more. It is 9-1/2 minutes. I have 90% of it memorized...Better get on it. Speech is Sunday! I figure I am fine though since all I have to do when I forget what's next is glance down for a second. Hey, that is what notes are for, right? I feel more prepared this time for several reasons. 1. The first time is over, and it went well. Which my fingers are crossed that it will just get better each time. and 2. Because  today I met with the woman who asked me to speak. We talked a little and I found out more about her. She found out some more about me. And she told me what to expect, all the details on what time to get there. I have to get there early so she can help me set up a table with all the information I want to give out. She told me that the church is very laid back and only has a few hundred members. It sounds a lot like mine, so I think I will be fairly comfortable there. Jessie still says he is coming, and Sam is coming for sure even if he changes his mind. She has been begging to hear me speak and she promises to sit quietly in the front if I let her go. I know that she will, so I told her yes.

Also, I asked if Jessie could record me speaking, and she said yes. But she thinks they also record the whole service and could probably send me a copy, which would be even better! 

After speaking with Vickie and preparing the rest of my speech and stuff for the table, I spoke with K. We talked about how we are going to get this group started. We are getting the Leader Binder sometime next week and we are trying to set up a time to shadow Kelli at Choices, so that we can see how group and individual counseling is run, from intake to closing papers.

Then we will start going over each lesson, one by one, and "acting" it all out. Making sure that we are both comfortable praying and reading the scriptures, knowing who speaks when and what we are going to say. Making sure we have all the materials that we need for the activities and all the papers in order. I think since we are taking the time to prepare we will be fine. But I have to say I am really nervous.

The rest of the year is in the air. We are hoping to have two groups, one in the Spring/Summer and one in the Fall. The Center Director is trying to get Amanda and me to go around to different churches, at least once a month to speak and share our services, so hopefully she will get that together soon.

Until next time...

My Visit to AAA

For some reason, it seems that I mention very little about my visit to AAA when I was pregnant with Lucy, and I think that it is very important to detail that more because they have become such a big part of my story.

After I found out I was pregnant, I was looking online for clinics. Because AAA was formerly an abortion clinic, it popped up on the list. I called to ask about setting up an appointment and the woman said it was bought out by a pro life organization years ago and the clinic was destroyed. They no longer offered those services, but I could come in for a free test. I am not sure why I made an appointment. (Well, now I am, but back then, it didn't make an sense.) So I told them I would come in the next day.

We went in and they called me back. I took a test, and they sat me in a counseling room. (It is definitely weird now, being the one on the other side, asking the questions and trying to convince others to choose life for their babies. But I think God is using my experience there so that I can be more authentic to the women who come into our center, and not make them feel so inferior.) Anyway, the woman asked me several questions about how I was feeling and about family life and my marriage. She asked if I would ever consider having an abortion."No. Oh no! I could NEVER do that," I said. She asked if I knew anybody who had had one. I told her yes. Technically, I did. I knew of one person who had had one...Actually, more like I heard it through the grape vine that a girl my Husband worked with and that I had met twice had one. I didn't know why I even said yes. That was so insignificant to me then. She handed me a card for their ARISE Post Abortive Program. (That is the card that I mention in my story...The one I tucked away for safe keeping.) While I was in there she asked me, "Do you know that if you were to die in a car accident as soon as you leave here, that you are going to go to Heaven?" I hesitated to answer the question, because there is always that slight chance that we have misinterpreted the Bible and we are not, in fact, going to Heaven just because we accept Jesus. So she asked if she could share something with me. (Something we are prompted to ask our clients if they say they do not have a relationship with the Lord. It made me extremely uncomfortable, so I generally try to share in more unconventional ways.) Afterward, she let Jessie in and another woman brought in my test-positive, as we already knew it would be. That is when the offered us those booties. And she told us all about how the women at a local church knit them, "for women like us." And I took them. I also set up an appointment for an ultrasound, which I later cancelled.

That is the afternoon that we walked around the Battle Field. We talked. And when we made "Our Decision" I told him I would go ahead and set up an appointment with their Post Abortive Counselors. So I did.

Approximately a week after my abortion Jessie drove me to their downtown location for AAA. I went upstairs to meet Kelli, while Jessie waited downstairs. I had yet to really deal with any of my emotions, nor did I have any idea what to expect. All I had done that past week was cry. She did my intake and went over some initial questions with me. While I was there, she tried to help me sort out some of my emotions. One of the first ones was anger, toward Jessie. And as I left, I got angrier and angrier. It just hit me how angry I was. And I told Jessie. I said, "She helped me realize that I blame you for all of this." And that was our first, but definitely not our last big fight over that. (The next two years were just fight over fight about my anger and blame toward him.)

I continued to go to counseling with her for a few weeks. I went to the closer location, the one that I went to for my test. We started a study called, "Surrendering the Secret." At the time, I thought it was completely irrelevant. We were still in the situation where my Mom could not find out. Kelli told me that I was right. Those studies are generally meant for women who have waited several years to find healing and they had yet to discover a study that deal with those who were just starting to deal with it.

(Now I see the importance of it. Although I skipped over a lot of the scripture and it was still my "secret," it was still the start to my healing. I was still able to step through all of the emotions, enough to get them under control. And it wasn't until 2011 that I completed my SRG which brought me another step closer.)

The last time I went to AAA for counseling, back in February 2010 they were going by the name Choices Pregnancy Center. (Not that that is relevant. ) The last time I was there was the time that they gave me a few very pretty, expensive size 2T dresses for Samantha. Somebody had donated them, and they said they usually kept clothes in their "Clothes Closet," but they didn't have a whole lot of room, so they couldn't take clothes that were 2T and up. I adored those dresses. I put Samantha in them whenever I had the chance. She wore them the rest of that Winter and the next. I held on to those dresses because the only way I would get rid of them was if I could give them to a Women's Center. I had found my passion. Since Choices could not take clothes that were 2T, I could not give the dresses back to them. (It was not until 2012 when I found the Center I am at now, did I find somewhere to give the dresses. In fact, I am sure I mentioned it before, that is how I found the Center I am at now. I asked my counselor if there was a Center in Dalton that took clothes that size. Isn't it amazing how the Lord leads us the places he wants us to be? All over some dresses.)

One day, about a year later, in March 2011, I got an email. It was titled "Plate Order." I thought to myself, "I didn't order any plates." I figured it was Spam and I almost deleted it, but I decided to check it just in case. Praise the Lord I did! Katrina, who was the Director of the National Memorial for the Unborn, was emailing to let me know that Lucy's plaque was ready. (NMU is attached to Choices and they are affiliated, but not run with the same funding.) I didn't remember ordering Lucy's plaque, but I remembered messing around on the website. The plaque was the one I posted on the site before. It said, "Lucy/My Angel/December 29, 2009" She asked if I wanted to have a service. I told her that would be nice. So I set up a date, March 16th, 2010. I wanted to come to terms with what we had done before I had her Memorial, so I sat and wrote. And I wrote everything I could remember about that day and the days preceeding it. It was pages and pages of my darkest secret. It was a large weight off of me.

March 16th came. I had my service. We did a small service, not anything personal because I didn't know what the Memorial was all about. (Which is why I was so glad to have that group service after our Save One study.) She played music from their default CD and read some scriptures she had picked out. I placed Lucy's plate, which back then, I picked a random spot, but now I realize the significance of that spot, like Lucy lead me to it. When I go in, it is right beside the large, wooden cross. And right near that is where I found Hannah's note. And, on top of that, when I spoke today, Lucy's plate was directly behind me. I have gotten familiar with that spot, the box of crayons and birthday card sitting next to it. The R2 D2 stuffed character. And a small wooden box. Everytime I go to leave Lucy a note, it just feels like that is where she was meant to be...Memorialized. Anyway, then I lit a candle, signed a certificate of life, and we went outside to let a balloon go, symbolizing releasing her to God. And when we did, it blew into the power lines. Funny, but terrible.

After the service, we went into her office and she gave me some marble to put Lucy's plaque on. She also gave me the Save One study to complete on my own since I had had a little more time to process it all. (Little did I know that I would be completing the Save One study again in my group a year and a half later so I could train to lead it!)

I asked her about volunteering and she told me I would need to talk to Sharon about that. (Which is funny now to put a face with her name. I saw her at the NMU today. She was the one I talked to, the one who did my test.) Katrina and I emailed back and forth a few times, but I never could get ahold of Sharon, so I gave up on volunteering there. (I was heart broken, because I did not realize God was leading me to Dalton and that I would still get to work with Choices, ON HIS TIME!)

April 2012 is when I started volunteering at the Center I am at now. (It seems like it has been so much longer. We have accomplished so much this last year!) I had not forgotten about Choices, but I wasn't aiming to work with them anymore either. Until one day, the lady I am working with at the Center now, K, she mentioned starting a post abortive study group to go with the individual counseling. And what do you know if she did not say, "I have been emailing KELLI! She is going to help us get started. She is going to let us train with them in September to learn to lead this SAVE ONE group.) WOW! All these thing from the past 2 and a 1/2 years. They were all leading up to this!

So when we went to training it was nice to see Kelli's face, a familiar face. And I met a group of women that I had no idea would become so important to me in such a short time! I met Sue and Becky and Stephanie, who all ended up being my group leaders the following month!

While we were at the training, Kelli had us put our name on her email list. She said if you want to work in the post abortive ministry, you have to keep up to date with what is going on in the news for the pro life and pro choice areas. So she offered to email us some of her big news finds.

I never did receive anything, until a few weeks ago. I received a newsletter that mentioned the Sanctity of Human Life service at NMU. It said to call if you want to get involved. So I did. And I had NO IDEA that Kelli would ask me to speak! And this is where we are. Isn't it amazing how everything works together? All of this because I went to AAA for a pregnancy test even though I already knew I was pregnant.

National Memorial for the Unborn Speech

Sunday Night: I am pretty confident about speaking tomorrow. Although, I am sure that I will be shaking in my boots once I get there. My speech is pretty simple. I have this one memorized. I have been walking around the house going over it with my eyes shut. I have practiced it in the mirror. I recorded myself, and I even recited it in front of Sam.

I am not sure exactly what to expect tomorrow. All I know is that she said media will be there! I will be getting there early so they can tell me where to sit and when to come up. She says it is in the program they are giving to everybody, so hopefully it will be easy to keep track of.

Sunday Morning: Awe man. Last night went by so slow! I kept waking up. And now I am super nervous, like I feel sick. It is taking me forever to get ready for church because I don't feel good. I just want to get this first REAL time over with. I have spoken before in front of tiny groups or people I knew, but never this. I just have to calm down. 

Sunday Evening: It went fantastic! I was very surprised at how well it went. I don't know what I was so nervous about. I got there a little early to meet everybody and see what I need to do. The woman was extremely nice! She told me what I would need to do and how everything would go. I would be the first one up after the introduction. I went over and over my speech. While we waited, they talked to me and I learned more about the memorial. They also kept talking about my necklace, the one I just bought. They wanted me to mention it when I gave my speech because they really liked what it symbolized. 

One of the women I talked to is someone who has been very dear to my heart, but I have only met her twice now. But she is a big part of my story. I finally got the chance to come face to face with her. She is woman who did my pregnancy test with Lucy. She is one of the directors of the board at NMU. I finally got to tell her what I have been wanting to tell her all these years.  I told her how sorry I was that I told her we would never had an abortion. I told her I was sorry that I didn't give her the chance to talk me out of it. And that I was especially sorry that I took those baby booties, and I would bring them back if she wanted. But it is one of the only things I have left of her. That has been haunting me for years. And she was so forgiving. She said, "No. I want you to have those. You need them." They were such simple words, but they relieved all that guilt I have been carrying around for 3 years now. Yes, over baby booties.

Also, while we were talking, I mentioned that I didn't like what I had put on Lucy's original plate and that I was going to save up to have it replaced. (It says MY Angel, and she isn't just MY Angel. She is Jessie's too.) And she told me she wanted me to figure out what I wanted on the plate and she would have me one made for free, as a Thank You for speaking at the service! I told her I couldn't do that, but she insisted and said that she wouldn't take any money, but that I better contact her with what I want on there. I am so thankful for that, that Lucy will have a plate that Jessie and I are going to come up with TOGETHER. What a Blessing!

A man from News Channel 12 showed up to set up and I got really nervous. He asked to do an interview with me, and I agreed to as long as he would show film from the memorial while I am speaking instead of showing my face. (I don't think Jessie would feel comfortable with my face plastered all over local news with the caption, "Post Abortive Woman." So I told him he could show film of my speech and use my voice from the interview, and he agreed. I know people can possibly still put two and two together, but it will be harder. The clip will only be a minute long, so it is not like they are showing my entire speech or interview. Update: I just found a small article and video about it: 

http://www.wdef.com/news/story/Service-Honors-Unborn-At-National-Monument-In/dNs8hmNQ8E2qkYdBG3mYPg.cspx

Once people started arriving I started getting nervous. Sue, my group leader from our Save One study last fall was there. She came and sat with me and encouraged me. And I was able to talk to her about how the other ladies from our group are doing and I told her about Lucy's Heaven Day. She said it was really special to her to know that God used her in that way, to help me heal completely. I adore Sue. I really hope to get to work with her and Becky again one day. I love that we are partnering with Choices for our post abortive ministry. The women I have come in contact with over the past year are some of the most amazing women I have ever met!

After they did the introduction, she had me stand up. She introduced me, and I read my speech. 
Here it is:

Good Morning. How great it is to be here with you all to honor our children and their short, but significant lives. 

I want to start by introducing myself. My name is Brittany. I am 20 years old. I have been with my Husband for 6 years. And together, we have two children. One of those children is in Heaven this morning. Her name is Lucy.  

Lucy never had the chance to walk this Earth. She has never had the chance to smell a flower or breath a breath of fresh air. Lucy went to be with God before she was even born.  

On December 20^th 2009, I found out I was pregnant-again. Those two pink lines once brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart, but this time, all it brought was fear. And what are we going to do? Our daughter had just turned one that September and we were living with my Mom while I finished school.  Though my Husband worked, we struggled paying our half of the bills. And if my Mom found out I was pregnant, we would have to leave. The devil bombarded us with lie after lie. We could not afford to be on our own. Nobody would help us. We had nowhere to go. Adoption did not seem like it was an option. “We had no other choice,” we thought.  

At that time, my daughter, Samantha, seemed more-real to me than the child that had just started growing inside of me a few week before. But I was wrong. The CHILD inside of me had a heartbeat just the same as the one I was holding in my arms. That CHILD inside of me had hands and feet all the same. It was my job to protect this child, this gift living inside of me, but by time I realized that, I was too late. I had an abortion. The morning of December 29^th, 2009 was the last time that I held my precious child safely inside of me. 

I always knew having an abortion was considered wrong. I knew that it wasn’t an easy experience. I remember saying to my Husband, “It will take awhile for me to get over it.” But I just didn’t know the road lying ahead of me. The events that happened on December 29^th that year left a hole in my heart that only the Lord could fill. 

For two years I suffered, trying to deal with my emotions. Anger toward my Husband and my Mom, people who didn’t have a clue what I had done. And with guilt, bearing the weight of knowing-I-my child’s own mother-was responsible for the fact that she would not enter this world on August 21^st, 2010 or any day before or after. 

I buried my secret and I tried to burry all the emotions along with it. After the passing of what would have been Lucy’s 1^st birthday, I broke. I started having severe issues with anxiety and OCD. I fell absolutely to pieces. I hit the bottom, and when I did, the Lord was there to pick me back up and help put me back together. 

This is where my true healing began. 

He lead me on an incredible journey, through which I have found a tremendous amount of healing. I have spent my last year attending a recovery group, and getting to know the child I lost, talking to those involved in my abortion and finding forgiveness for each one. And lastly, I have been reading my Bible and praying to the Lord that I could find Peace through him. And finally, this past Fall, while attending the Save One recovery group, I found complete peace with the Lord. 

Lucy may never have walked this Earth or smelled a flower, but her life did not stop that day at the clinic. She lives through her family, who loves her very much, her Mom, her Dad, and her big sister. Unfortunately, I became her voice a little too late, but now she has the chance to make the difference in the lives of many.

Afterward, several people came up to me to tell me thank you for sharing and said that my story really encouraged them. Many of them were crying. One woman told me about a man she met today. He asked where she was headed and she told him. He then proceeded to tell her that his girlfriend had an abortion 27 years ago. It took him 9 years before he came out of denial, but he still suffers from it. She gave him the contact number for Choices, and he said he wanted to look into their post abortive counseling. She said, "See, sharing our stories can lead to such wonderful things." It was really encouraging.  

On a side note, another piece of good news. I was not telling my Husband the whole truth about my speaking. (That is not the good part.) I just told him I was going to share the services we have at the center. The reason I did that because he is not comfortable with the "whole world" knowing what we did. He thinks that is something private and while he supports me in doing what I do at the center, he just doesn't want it broadcasted, especially locally. Basically, he hasn't dealt with it. I respect that, but I am ready to move on. It might be 20 years before he faces it. You know? And I can't wait that long. I have to move on. So, I decided to tell him the truth. And you know what he said? He said he wants to come see me speak at Rocky Face next Sunday!!! I am so anxious. I don't want him to come because it will make me more nervous, but I do because I think it will be good for both of us! (He didn't come today because I didn't know if they allowed children to come.)

Also, while I am on the subject of Jessie...We talked this morning, a little about my speech. I was telling him some things I had never told him about the clinic. And he mentioned something about getting a hot dog afterward, because I said my stomach hurt. I didn't remember that. All I remembered was him trying to get me to eat. And how angry I was for the longest time that he tried to use food as comfort for me after what we had just done, like that was going to fix it. Then it hit me..."Wait, he remembers what happened that day?" I guess I never thought about it. I assumed he blocked it all out. So I wanted to hear his side of the story, his emotions and thoughts, what he remembers from being in the waiting room...I asked him to share with me and he said he would. We had to get to church though, so we are going to sit down later and talk about it, now that it is getting easier to talk about. I am anxious to have that discussion with him. I think it might clear up a lot of the fuzzy parts of my story and also help me gain insight on how he felt/feels. I think it'll be healing. Anyway...

NEXT WEEK! 15 MINUTE SPEECH AT ROCKY FACE BAPTIST! My speech is the introduction for the pastor's Sanctity of Human Life sermon.

What an amazing day! I feel so Blessed that God is using Lucy through me to make a difference. And we are just getting started!

Preparing to Speak

I have been busy the past few days preparing to speak on the 27th at Rocky Face Baptist.  I am trying to take my time since this will be my first time speaking. I am praying it goes well. Last night, I was up late thinking about it, and it hit me! I was instantly awake. I knew exactly what I wanted to say! I got some construction paper and a marker. That was the closest writing stuff. :) And I wrote. I wrote one page, front and back. There were messy notes everywhere. I revised it a little at the center today, and it sounds really good and meets the time window they are looking at. While I was at the center, I talked to the director about what I should bring. (I was just thinking cards.) She told me there would be a table set up for me to put information on and stand at if anybody wanted to talk to me after church. She gave me a huge box of "12 week fetal models." Apparently they got a good deal on them awhile back. She also gave me cards to go with them that have a little information on the stages of fetal development. I have 4 pamphlets, two that are about post abortion-one I made specifically for our center that details our new post abortive programs, and one that talks about God's plan for our recovery. Another pamphlet talks about other options for unexpected pregnancies, fetal development, and the types of abortions and the effects of abortion-physical and mental. I am too excited for words. This is my big chance! Who would have thought just 3 years after my abortion, I would be able to stand in front of a church and speak! God has really Blessed me in my road to recovery!

*I will post my speech after I give it. That way I can also post about how it went and all.*

 

New Business Cards

I ordered some business cards from Vista print. Since I knew I would be speaking in January, I wanted to get some cards, but I didn't want to spend a lot, so I waited until their after Christmas deals. I got 500 premium business cards with my own image attached to them AND SHIPPING for $5.00! Their deal was $5.00 for 500 cards and you could add what you wanted for free and they paid shipping, so all I paid for was the cards themselves. I will probably continue to order them through vistaprint, but it will be about $20.00 or $25.00 if they are not on sale. I am sure it will take awhile for me to go through all 500 cards. Here they are:

Dandelion Jewelry

I have been buying Dandelion jewelry to Remember Lucy since a sweet friend of mine recommended it to me a little over a year ago. I try to get a piece on Lucy's EDD and her Heaven date every year. I Love this piece because the Dandelion seeds in the bottle are so unique. And the second charm, the disc, the lady who made it, personalized it for free. It originally was meant to say, "Wish." I asked her to put, "If I had one wish..." I want to get another disk eventually, to go under the other disk that says, "I would wish for you, Dear Lucy." 

Here are some other pieces I have ordered. The necklace I ordered, the lady put, "If I had one wish..." on the front. And then on the back she put, "I would wish for you, Dear Lucy." But it broke because I wore it so much, and she doesn't sale them anymore, which is why I wanted my disk necklace to say that. 

The second piece I ordered was a bracelet. It was on a cheap string and it broke also, and now I cannot find the charm. :( So I plan to reorder it soon and maybe out it on different string.

 

Here are some pieces I want to buy in the future: 

GORGEOUS BRACELET! But it is $32.00!

Earrings to Match the Rest of the Pieces

Very Unique Necklace-Made with read Dandelion seeds!

 

Mountains and Valleys

Today was my first day of the year back at the center. It started out pretty well. I was at the top of my game starting out. I brought Samantha with me today, and we began our morning by counting some money from a fundraiser that they needed sorted and rolled. Sam learned a lot while she helped me with it. She learned her pennies, nickles, dimes, and quarters. We did some simple math while we added the money. She learned to roll change and how to use a sorting machine. We took our own sweet time, and she really enjoyed it. She was serving and learning at the same time, two of the most important things.

After that, I made some calls to places that I will be speaking at this month for Sanctity of Human Life Month. The first place is a church. The other I just called today and offered to help and she told me she would like me to speak at their Memorial Service at the Memorial for the Unborn. She is going to get back with me soon, so that is exciting!

I also worked on a pamphlet for Sanctity of Human Life Month (SHLM-because I am tired of typing it over and over) with another lady who works at the center. She is not very computer savvy, so we got in some talk time and worked together on that. We also talked about having a Walk for Life in April. (For Abortion Recovery Awareneness Month.) I told her I would Love to help her organize it. (She is the fundraising coordinator.) So we are going to start working on that soon.

Now time for the valley...I serve on Thursdays, so when they have a girl call in who is "abortion minded," they try to schedule her on Thursday-or on a day that the lady I work with for the post abortive study is there. (We will just call her K so I don't have to keep saying "the lady I work with for the post abortive study.")

Today I had my first client actually show up. I have had other abortion-minded clients scheduled to come in and talk and they were all no shows. But this lady showed up. I was super nervous because I had never spoken to anyone before, but the ladies I work with are super supportive. They just kept reminding me, "For it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." Matthew 10:20 I went in with confidence.

I obviously can't give any real details about her or her background-client confidentiality. But she was abortion minded. Her test was positive, so I went to talk to her, and she was extremely unresponsive. She had her mind made up, and there was no changing it. I had to let her go...I sent some material with her about prenatal development and post abortive stress syndrome. (I saw her reading it when I was out of the room, so maybe that is a good sign.) I will call to check on her next week.

I left the room crying and shaking hysterically. I thought I would be able to hold it together, but as soon as I left and saw our center director, I just feel into her arms sobbing. That was my first chance, and I ruined it. There are no practice rounds in this area of serving. I should have been more prepared.

But the women at the center, again, are so supportive. They reminded me that it isn't my fault and that God had it all planned before any of it happened. He knows what he is doing with her life and the life of the child inside her. (Doesn't make me hurt for either of them any less.)

I stayed for awhile after that and I talked to each one of the women at the center for awhile. I got some pointers from all of them. They told me about some of the times that they weren't successful. And they told me about the times that they were. They reassured me that there will be a day where I experience that, and that it will all be worth it.

But you know what, I know the Lord was with me-the whole day, but especially when I was in the counseling room. I was a new person today. I was more confident today. I was able to talk without being shy. I was able to assert myself and joke with the other ladies at the center and have fun. (In turn, Samantha was more outgoing as well. She really enjoyed herself at the center a lot more than usual.) And when it came time to talk to the lady I met with, I was able to look her in the eye and speak clearly. (Something I was nervous about not being able to do when it came time.) There were a few times where I lost my train of thought, went blank, and got a little bit nervous, but I stopped, took a breath, and continued. I really liked who I saw in the mirror today. I think that God is really doing a work in me so that I can do what he has called me to do.

Please play for that woman and the child inside of her. I can't say her name, but God knows who she is.

Lucy's Heaven Day

December 29th 2012 marks Lucy's 3rd year in Heaven. Though her existence was so brief, she has made a huge impact in my life and the lives of many others and many more to come. 

Saturday was was a very special day. In the morning I lit a candle in honor of Lucy, I lit two candles actually. Candles I got from her first memorial and the one I got from her group memorial. To me, one symbolizes before my healing, and the other one symbolizes after I found healing. I spent awhile praying, and thinking about her, asking God to show me more about her. She is a girl, and she has a name, but I want to know more of who she would have been. I also listened to her song, "Hey Lucy" by Skillet. And I wrote her a letter in her journal, as well as a note to leave at her Memorial.

We didn't get to go to the Memorial on Saturday because the roads iced over, and I didn't want to chance wrecking. So we went Monday morning. We didn't stay long, because it is a little awkward to me when Jessie comes. (Which is why I sometimes I try to go by myself.) So I left Lucy's note, gathered up some of her old ones I left, walked along the wall, and then signed the book and left.

The real reason that Saturday was such a special day is that I felt a real big change, but let me back up:

When I began the recovery group last Fall, one of the ladies asked the group leaders why they didn't cry when they told their story. She asked if they missed their babies anymore. And they both answered no. I was really shocked. Then one of the ladies went on to say that now she just feels love and excitement, love for her child, and excitement about getting to see him one day. I couldn't believe she said that because I just couldn't imagine letting go like that.

Well, Saturday night, I had some alone time, and I was just going to allow myself to cry for her and to miss her. I went through her journal and looked at her ultrasound and just thought about her, but all that kept coming to mind is how happy I am that I am where I am now, doing what I have a passion for, being able to help other women. And that I Love her, and I can't wait to see her again, because I know I will. And it isn't that I am glad that I did what I did, but I am glad her life lead me where it did. I finally knew what those ladies were talking about.

Then it hit me. That is what the whole last year has been about! I had to deal with everything, including that longing for her, before I could move forward, in anything, with the counseling at the Women's Center, with anything having to do with my family. So I did. I let her go. And last night, as we were waiting to bring in the New Year, I felt this peace, like everything is going to be okay. Like I CAN move forward, and this year, I WILL move forward.

 

I will always love her and remember her and share her with others, and I still have that passion to help others, even moreso now, but it is like everything just suddenly changed. My heart quit that aching feeling, I just stopped having that overwhelming emotion of...longing.

She isn't "the baby I had an abortion with." That thought doesn't come to my mind when I think about her over the last several days. She is just my baby, in Heaven, watching me, waiting for me. 

It is a nice feeling. A different feeling. I don't remember the last time I felt so...free....

Another thing that made Lucy's Heaven Day so special to me, is that this year, I had someone to celebrate it with me. Hannah, whom I have mentioned before, made a very sweet blog post for Lucy. It was really special to read that. And to know someone else is thinking of her on her day. Here it is:

http://www.roseandherlily.com/2012/12/luke-and-lucy.html

She also sent me a card and a small gift for Lucy's Heaven Day. The card was Beautiful, from a line specifically meant for people who have lost their babies, and it had a super personal message inside. I Love cards because they are one of the most personal gifts somebody could give. She also sent a magnet with a painting on it. It is a Beautiful painting that symbolizes a mother longing for her child. At least, that is how I see it. It is called "Gone Too Soon."

What a great friendship we have developed in a little over a month. I hope we continue to email and maybe work together one day. And all this because of an envelope I saw on the wall. 

This is the little area I have for her on my dresser. It has cards I received from others with encouragement or remembrance. The cup that we broke and glued back together is up there, along with some books about abortion and her plaque from the Memorial.

This is where I lit her two candles.

This is my refrigerator. I generally write a new Bible verse once a week, depending on what sort encouragement I think somebody in the family needs, and this was the verse for Lucy's Day. I also displayed my card and magnet from Hannah.

Here is a close-up of the magnet.

This is a picture Hannah took of the candle she lit for Lucy. Absolutely Beautiful.

And the cover to the card that Hannah sent.