Dreams of Little Ones

I had the most amazing, healing dream last night. Having a dream about a child you lost is incredible. To see them, hold them, love them. But having a dream about the child you lost AND your future child, that is a whole other Blessing in itself.

I don't remember much of it, but here is what I do.

I remember dealing with doctors and newborn. And I remember her, the doctor, telling me it was simply acid reflux and that he would be fine. I remember a wave of fear washed out of me. (Assuming that came from the dealing with Samantha's cyclic vomiting.) I looked at my little girl, "big sister." I assumed she was Samantha, but she was still tiny. Looked like a Baby herself. (Nothing like I ever pictured Lucy, because to be honest, I never pictured her as a Baby, just as a child.) She had black hair. Quite a bit darker than Samantha's hair was when she was born, but the same dark skin and squinted eyes Samantha had. I remember picking her up and soaking in being able to hold her. (What confused me at first when I woke up was that I wasn't holding my newborn. I was holding her.) We both looked at "brother's" head wobbling. He was even smaller than her. But same traits. Black hair, dark skin, squinted eyes. (Don't ask why. We are both blonde haired and decently pale.) I said, "Come on, let's go teach little brother how to sit up. We began to walk out of the room together. I thought we were going to the same place, but the little girl in my arms kept trying to reach for her brother. She whined a little bit and I said, "Oh, it's okay. You will see him again one day. Tell brother bye for now." And she did. And she reached for him and hugged him. He hugged her too. But she didn't kiss him....She licked him. lol I looked at the doctor in shock and awe of this relationship the two of my children had already built. But she didn't seem surprised at all. The boy left the room (somehow in my arms) and the girl was left behind. My dream stopped there. 

When I woke up, I had no time to process the dream. Even though I had set my alarm for 7:15, it didn't go off until 7:30, exactly when my dream ended. (I have never had a dream that actually ended.) Once I finished getting my Husband ready for work, I had some time to sit and ponder and pray about it. And I started feeling like that wasn't my daughter, Samantha. That was Lucy. And that little boy was our baby. Part of me inside is a little sad. I always wanted all girls. But another part of me is just jumping full of joy at the fact that we WILL have another. That he is on his way! And that I got to see my Lucy once again. And hold her too! I remember how it felt to hold her. Warmth flooded my body. Love rushed through me. Holding her little body seemed to make me whole again. What a Blessing.

May be a little bit much information, but I ovulated yesterday. Hasn't really been on my mind though because of vacation and well, everything is in full swing, so we have been busy. I would say that the dream came from obsession, but I am not obsessing. I feel like God gave me that dream. It may not mean that we will definitely have a boy. Or that I will definitely get pregnant this month. I am not saying that at all, but there is something behind it. And I am praying we find out very soon.

The face of both my angels looked so similar to the one below. This looks nothing like my S now, but it is her for sure. I always pictured Lucy a lot like Samantha. I assumed because she was all I ever knew. But now I am starting to think they really do favor.

Quit Asking "Why?" and Rejoice

Today is Sanctitiy of Human Life Sunday. This day is always a day I look forward to. Another chance to share my story. Another chance for God to keep bringing amazing women into my life. And another day for me to Honor my child.

Often times I used to think of how cruel it was for God to give me a child, knowing what I would do to her. Obviously God knew she would never walk this Earth. Obviously he knew she would never even be born. But why would he do that? And seeing as I am a firm believer in us choosing our own paths, sometimes I wonder why Lucy would sacrifice her life like that. (My beliefs may offend some people. And I never once mean to say that I am happy that I aborted my child. In fact, I regret it every day when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. But there is nothing I can do to change that.) The only thing I can do is to allow God to turn it into something Beautiful. If He can turn something as horrific as abortion into something beautiful, what could he NOT turn into something Beautiful?....Nothing.

I think of all that has happened in my life. And as much as I'd like to think the birth of my most perfect little S turned my life around, I can't help but wonder if that was only the start of it all. *Dramatic Pause*

I didn't really grow in leaps and bounds until I suffered from the tragic loss of my child. (Yes, loss. Again with the offending people. Unless you have been there, stop cringing.) So many things have changed for me. My Life is changed forever. But how could someone who never even took their first breath. Who technically wasn't even FULLY formed, change a life-Forever?

Believe it. Because she did. She changed every move I make. She is the reason I wake up in the morning and I give it my all in Homeschooling and being a Wife. She made me realize how important it is to savor every moment possible with my child. She made me realize how important putting hair in pigtails really is. She made me realize what is there one moment can be gone the next. To never do anything I think I might regret. (Although sometimes I fall short on that one.) She made me realize how strong my marriage can be. She made me realize how amazing of a man my Husband is. Sure, he messed up too. He made a mistake. And at one time I thought I would always hate him for that. But how can you hate a man who apologizes for being wrong. Who repents to God for what he has done. Who holds you at night when you cry and even sheds some tears of his own? How can you hate a man who supports every pro life effort. A man who tells you that it's okay to be on call when for a girl who has an unplanned pregnancy. A man who lets you share your story, even at the risk that someone he knows may find out and judge him for it. A man who lets you do whatever you feel God has asked you to do to make that Life matter. And how can not forgive someone and expect God to forgive you? The answer is simple. You. Can't.

She is the reason I volunteer my time. The reason I drive to Dalton every week and prepare speeches and studies and which college we are going to next. The reason I can speak to and understand the women who come in who feel alone and scared. She is the reason I can have compassion for somebody no matter what they have done. (Yes. I mean that. I do believe I am the only person who feels compassion for the man who shot my grandfather. I know we all mess up and none of us choose the temporary "insanity" we suffer from.)

She is the reason that I have met so many amazing, Christian women who have helped me grow closer to God. The reason I have bonds with women whom I would otherwise never have known.

She is the reason I got up this morning and told my story in front of an entire church of strangers, as well as two of the most influential, supportive women in my Life. (Whom I thought I was helping to Heal. But really they were helping me too the whole time.)

She is the reason I entered the Memorial for the Unborn today. And the reason I shook hands with Julie Norman, the daughter of legendary Zig Zigglar and listened to her story with awe. As I sat at the Memorial, I looked around the room. I saw the faces of women who were smiling and rejoycing that their children were ever here to begin with. And I saw the faces of women who were still suffering. Many of the faces inside the Memorial looked familiar. Friends and acquaintenses I have made over the last 4 years. Women who have made all the difference in who I am. As I sat inside the NMU, I listened to a story of Hope. I was encouraged.

I thought about all the Joy this child has brought into my Life. If not for her, I would have never realized how precious Life is. I would never have entered the world of Hope and Healing. WEC Dalton would still not have a Recover Study. My friend, D, would never have been at church the day I told my story. She never would have known that other women suffer. Maybe that is why Lucy sacrificed her life. Not just for me, for her sister. Her Dad. For these women. Because the impact she is making is just as big a wave as if she were here today. As I thought about all that wouldn't have happened, I realized that God not only put that child in my womb, but he put her in my Heart so that I could grow in Him. So that I could learn to Love more. So I could learn to BE for a greater purpose. He didn't WANT me to abort her, but he KNEW I would. And he gave me her anyway. That doesn't dismiss what I did. In fact I still think of all the "never will happens" with her being gone. Without her here, she will never have her first Christmas, first hair cut. She will never have children of her own. But those are all things I don't know anyway. She could have passed away before her birth. She could have passed away in her first year. I HAVE to focus on what IS or the guilt will eat me alive.

Today is Sanctity of Human Life Sunday and 5 years after I lost her, I realize that my mourning must be over. All I can do now is quit asking God why and rejoice that she was ever there to begin with.