It was getting easier, everything was. My struggles were becoming part of my past and I was able to talk about my Lucy with a renewed spirit. Then my daughter said this, "If you hadn't let Lucy die, I would have a little sister!" Of course she said it out of anger and now she regrets it. She keeps trying to take it back and say that she doesn't want a sister. She wants to be an only child. "I like it. I really do." We tried to give Samantha a little sister and God just didn't it fit last year or the year before. So my Husband and I just gave it up to God and said, "Do whatever you will with us. Give us no more. Give us 10 more. Allow us to adopt. Don't allow us to adopt. Your will." That was 3 months ago. It still hurts. It isn't so much, "We aren't pregnant this month," that hurts. I am a big girl. I can wait. It is the fear that the one thing in this world my daughter asks for, I won't be able to give her. What if I never will? Will she hate me forever? She had a chance at a sister, and I ruined it. Did I take that privilege away forever?
I have been having flashbacks to when I found out I was pregnant. It just hit me. I have really been pregnant twice. There are two ways that it could have went. We could have been happy, told everyone with a cute announcement, talked it up to our daughter about being a big sister, read her all the books...But we didn't. It went the other way. She never knew until it was too late. And instead of watching Mommy's belly grow and holding her hand to it to feel kicks, she had to watch Mommy cry herself to sleep at night for months.
And yes, she has seen me overcome most of the pain, but when will it all end? Will my abortion continue to come back and haunt me? How could I be so careless to throw away the life of my little one and possibly any future children?
I am praying and saying, "God, I will accept what you throw at me. I will be one of those Moms who undertakes a family of 12 if I have to. If that is what you want." But it is hard when you feel like God is saying, "No. You had your chance. I will not entrust you with another life." I feel like God is rejecting me. When I know he might just be calling me to greater things, like fostering and adopting-which we want to do. But that is a long time away. A few years at least. Lord, just one baby. I just wish I could have one more baby to hold and to nurse. To be my own because I Missed that with my Lucy. I Missed that. And I Want That. I Need That. But it feels like I will never get that. And neither will Samantha.
Way to make me cry!!! Gosh Brit. I can imagine the pain as I've lost a child though differently, it still sucked. Samantha will grow up and respect you because YOU do what you can. You have owned up to your mistakes and trying to make this world a better place. You were young and scared. Samantha will understand it one day. I have a feeling great things will come to you. Waiting is always the hardest part. You have a lot if friends and family that love you and support you. I only hope, in time, you can heal.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Maria. I hope she will understand and forgive me. I think she is just starting to understand it and is confused as to-why and how. And probably starting to question her trust for me. I have never sat down and told her the ENTIRE story.I am saving that for when she is older and understands. She just hears the basics when I speak. And is trying to get it all. She has asked a few questions since then like, "So if you got pregnant with me the second time, you would have let me die?" And of course that is upsetting and scary fit me to think about because I can not imagine being, living without her. But we'll get past it and see what happens. Thank you for the understanding and encouragement. I'm still sorry about Bean. :( I know it still hurts.
ReplyDelete*tears* I am so sorry for your family's pain. What people don't understand about abortion is that it impacts people's lives forever and so many people are affected. I am sorry you are having a hard time, my friend. I am here for you when you need someone to talk to. Please feel free to text or email whenever you need to vent about Lucy or anything else. That is so hard with Samantha... sometimes I wonder how my future children will react when I tell them about Luke (and Lily). Those are hard thoughts. I hope and pray God's will shall be done and that He blesses you with more children somehow... love and hugs
ReplyDeleteThank you, Hannah. You are always so encouraging.
ReplyDeleteYou are right. A lot of people don't realize the long term effects from all aspects. I know I didn't. And you didn't either. That's why it is so important to get the word out.
I understand your anxiety about your future kids. They will grow up knowing I am sure, just like Samantha. I know it is hard on her to hear me speak and share my story when she is just grasping it all. I know God lead me to speaking, so he will lead me through my struggle with Samantha, but it is hard. Maybe I'll have some advice to give you when your future kids get older :)