#AbortionTriggers #FrontLine

Um, this is hard to type. It has been awhile, but I'm going to type every word that comes into my thoughts as I am thinking it.

Seven years.

I mean, the further away I get from being that scared teenager, the less it seems to hurt.

And, um, it actually seems longer than 8 years.

And at the same time, I can't believe my Little Girl would be 7. Like just turning 7. So many questions I have still.

When I had Sara, it seemed like a lot of that hurt washed away. I felt like God made me suffer. But then afterward he washed me clean.

The burden was lifted.

I experienced pregnancy and a Beautiful birth. I was able to nurse her and mother her the way I always wanted to mother an infant. Our family was perfect-as perfect as it could be without Lucy.

But then Sara was just so hard. And I wanted so bad to have balance back in my life. So I left the front line-fighting for Life. Now Lucy seems further than ever before.

Some days that is freeing. Some days I feel a pang of guilt because I don't feel guilty, for being free, I mean.

And today is the first day I have been triggered in years. And the fear and sadness and anger, it just came rushing back in all at once. And I remembered my story. I remember being terrified and keeping secrets and the relief after and self loathing after that. And the pain and regret and wanting to be dead. And the grief and the suffering. I remember the sleepless nights and the countless tears. And wishing my Husband would leave and never come back.

I was one of the lucky ones. I found hope and healing and my marriage is better than I ever imagined. It is full of love and balance and God, which is the most I could ever ask for.

During those years of suffering, I wrote a blog post on my Susie Homemaker blog. It was called, "These Things Take Time." And, as I read it, I was surprised at how lost I felt. I haven't felt that way in so long-it seems. In my blog, I just kept saying who I wanted to be, where I wanted to live, what I wanted my home to look like. And it is that-and more.

I have hear the odds somehow-the odds of two very high risk situations. A teen pregnancy/marriage and a marriage lasting through abortion. And how? I will tell you how. God. There is a plan. And I have been telling my Husband that since before I got pregnant the first time.

So,

I want to be back on that front line, but I feel like God is preparing me for it, and I can't go back in without his signal. But how do I stand idly by when there is so much pain out there? So many babies being aborted. So many women living in bondage. So much abuse and unforgiveness to the children who were born before and after their abortions? How can I watch from the sidelines?

If not me, then who? If not now, then when?

I can't lose touch with that scared teenage girl who was newly married with a baby, still in high school to boot. Those days may be over, but they shaped me. December 29, 2009 I learned a lot about Life and about the decisions we make and the effect they have on eternity. I can't live in content and blissful ignorance for the remainder of my life. I want to be back on the front lines remembering my story and helping Lucy change the World.