Third Christmas Without Lucy and Anniversary Triggers

Yesterday was Christmas. I am not going to lie, it went pretty well. Lots and lots of distractions. But in the back of my mind, I am always thinking about Lucy. I didn't go to her Memorial today. Sometimes I do on Christmas. Sometimes I don't. It depends if I feel like I NEED to. Today I didn't, but with Lucy's anniversary being 4 days away, I know I will need to on Saturday. And I am a little anxious. Like it will be different this time...And I am not sure why.

Speaking of anxious...I stay anxious.

Between this year and last, I feel like I am slowly descending into madness. Last year's anniversaries being one of the things that triggered my OCD, and this year's anniversary...As it nears, I just feel anxious. About everything. About the whole end of the world thing...Everybody saying that aliens will be coming to visit us in our lifetime. That there will be a war among them...That our nation will fail soon because of this whole healthcare thing...(I believe pretty much anything anybody tells me unfortunately.) And that puts me in a constant state of anxiety. I am fearful all the time that someone is going to break in the house and shoot us. Don't get me wrong. We live in one of the safest neighborhoods in the area. We live right across from the police department, and when we talked to the police, they said that they never have to go to our area because as far as they can remember, nothing has happened on our road. So I don't know why, but the last few days, if Jessie isn't home, I get extremely paranoid, moreso than usual. One day we spent the entire day in the room because I thought that I felt soap fall in the bathroom and the cat was in my lap and Sam was asleep. It scared me to death, so after 2-1/2 hours, I took Jessie's shot gun, scanned the house, and then went to Sam's room, got a ton of toys and food from the kitchen, and I woke her up and we just played in the room all day. Another day, the attic creaked, so we left the house and didn't come back until Jessie came home and checked the attic. I am just so tired of feeling this way...

I didn't really like going to counseling all the time at HOPE or being on the medication, so I am trying to find my own "distractions" like I had to do to get off the medicine I was taking for OCD. So far, all I have come up with, is that in the mornings, when Jessie leaves for work, I instantly turn music on the television. It is loud enough that I won't hear every little noise. But it is quiet enough that the noises on the TV don't make me think I hear other noises and scare me...

This may all sound really crazy, and I don't like it one bit, but if I don't do something about it, I am going to lose my mind.