Foster care and children have been on my mind a lot lately. God, what are you calling me to do? One minute I feel like you are telling me to connect with my Husband and have as many children as you bless us with. Then I think, "If that is true, why haven't we had more children in well over a year?" I know you have us face trials, but how do I know what is the way? And Lord, what about fostering? Can we do that in a 3 bedroom house if you give us 4 more kids? What is it that you are calling us to do? We are in a waiting period. We are raising our only living child to the best of our ability and we don't know what is coming next. Is this all you are asking of us? Do you want more?
Then I realized....My entire life since that day in December 2009 has been dictated by my abortion. My. Entire. Life.
Some of those things were by the devil. He took my situation and tried to send me into a downward spiral. My depression. My attachment. My solitude. My OCD. And I truly believe the hard time that we have had having more children is due to my abortion...But other decisions and events were God taking my weeping and turning it into joy.
Every major decision we have made has been because of Lucy. We chose to move out of my Mom's house as soon as my Husband found a better paying job because we couldn't be in that house anymore with this secret looming over us. Satan, I am sure, loved to watch us struggle, paycheck to paycheck. Crying when it snowed because I knew he wouldn't get paid for that day, but we had not a dime to spare. But we stayed faithful and God Blessed us. I was able to stay home and we were always able to pay our bills on time. Jessie found a job that paid much better and made him happier. We were even able to buy a house just 2 years later. A house that opened up space for us to use for HIM. It has given us space to have the Recovery Bible study and an extra room for someone to stay in while they get on their feet. I want to use my house for God, and that is what we have done.
I even chose to homeschool at first because of selfish reasons. I was attached to my only living child because I had lost My Lucy. I couldn't let go of my Samantha for even just a minute. And slowly, God turned my selfish reasons into selfless reasons. For God. For relationship. For education. For living a free life, unprocessed. But I digress. I can't imagine our life differently. Not only has the decision to homeschool changed our life as a family, but Samantha's future, and I believe it is for the better. God has turned my weeping into joy, yet again. I have a better relationship with my child than I ever could have imagined because the loss of My Lucy has made me realize just how important those little moments are.
The whole reason I started volunteering and leading the Bible study are because of my experiences. At first I think it is possible I was just trying to serve my way out of my Sin, but I have come a long way in just a few years. I want to help others receive the healing that I have. I started speaking because I want others to know they are not alone. I have met SO MANY MANY wonderful women that I never would have met had I not lost My Lucy. T'hey will NEVER replace Lucy. Nothing ever will, but there is something comforting in the fact that her Life has FOREVER changed mine, no matter what happened to her, her Life has still made one of the greatest impacts on me that any life has, and I am seeing that it is making an impact on others all over.
And now we are facing this whole child issue. We have placed it in God's hands, but it is hard to not keep pulling back and saying, "Okay, so what now? What is going to happen? Should we expect you to give us more children? What does the future look like?" I know my life-our lives are still being effected by what happened. We have discussed it time and time again. When Samantha is older, we want to foster and help an "unwanted" child. We want to give them a home that loves them and wants them there. I want to give Samantha that sister that she missed out on. I want the child we adopt to have that family unit she missed out on, I want Lucy to continue making a difference, because Lucy's Life has meaning.
Lucy's. Life. Is. Beautiful.
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