I am looking for a place to let it out and I know this is one of my most inactive Blogs...I just need to do a little breathing. So...breathing I am doing.

Just when you think you are completely healed. It happens every time. To me. The holidays. They are a tough one on me. Seeing small babies in their cute winter, holiday outfits. Seeing adorable toddlers icing cookies and attempting to sing Christmas toons. Those commercials. That one commercial, the Silent Night diaper commercial. Always makes me cry. Every year S gets older, I feel like I am further and further away from My Lucy. I know it doesn't make sense to some people, but it does to me. Somehow, Samantha's babyhood was my link to Lucy's. I wasn't really "missing" the stages at that time because S was pretty much still going through them. Now...She is a kid.

With this whole baby thing again AND the holidays, it just...complicates things-a lot. It physically hurts me to see pictures of small children wearing holiday clothing and doing holiday things. It hurts me from my heart to the deepest part of my stomach. It is this horrible pain. Like I am going to be sick. And I need to cry. I can't tell if it is because I want a Baby or because I had a Baby. I can't tell which of the two is missing. The past or the future. Maybe a little bit of both.

And although we have only been trying a little over a month, it seems like eternity because of that whole year we didn't succeed. Then all the "in between." And now this. I don't know what I am saying. I just am having a hard time getting a handle on WHY I am going through this. WHAT is it God is trying to show me. What is he waiting for? If I lean on him a little more, what will the results be? What lies before me?

Yes, I am forever grateful that I have a wonderful Husband and child and that we are even in a position to try for another baby. I am grateful that I get to see my Little Girl grow up, and do her hair, and take her to look at dolls-hopefully American Girl soon! And if I never have another child again I will Thank My God and savor what he gave me. But I still feel like a piece is missing. I will always be Happy with my S, but Lucy will always be missing and this child is still Missing. (Yes, to me, she exists. The very thought of her life makes her in existence to me.)  I have two pieces gone and it is causing me lots of pain. Even over our last year of "not trying," I think about it all the time. And that is why I told my Husband, this is something meant to be. I couldn't let it go. Even in that year's time, I couldn't let it go.

I have had to remove myself from most media, including Facebook. I have to look away when I see small children. And I can't even hold a baby. When will this end? Will it ever end? Or will I always have this overwhelming sense of sadness during the holidays?