Quit Asking "Why?" and Rejoice

Today is Sanctitiy of Human Life Sunday. This day is always a day I look forward to. Another chance to share my story. Another chance for God to keep bringing amazing women into my life. And another day for me to Honor my child.

Often times I used to think of how cruel it was for God to give me a child, knowing what I would do to her. Obviously God knew she would never walk this Earth. Obviously he knew she would never even be born. But why would he do that? And seeing as I am a firm believer in us choosing our own paths, sometimes I wonder why Lucy would sacrifice her life like that. (My beliefs may offend some people. And I never once mean to say that I am happy that I aborted my child. In fact, I regret it every day when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. But there is nothing I can do to change that.) The only thing I can do is to allow God to turn it into something Beautiful. If He can turn something as horrific as abortion into something beautiful, what could he NOT turn into something Beautiful?....Nothing.

I think of all that has happened in my life. And as much as I'd like to think the birth of my most perfect little S turned my life around, I can't help but wonder if that was only the start of it all. *Dramatic Pause*

I didn't really grow in leaps and bounds until I suffered from the tragic loss of my child. (Yes, loss. Again with the offending people. Unless you have been there, stop cringing.) So many things have changed for me. My Life is changed forever. But how could someone who never even took their first breath. Who technically wasn't even FULLY formed, change a life-Forever?

Believe it. Because she did. She changed every move I make. She is the reason I wake up in the morning and I give it my all in Homeschooling and being a Wife. She made me realize how important it is to savor every moment possible with my child. She made me realize how important putting hair in pigtails really is. She made me realize what is there one moment can be gone the next. To never do anything I think I might regret. (Although sometimes I fall short on that one.) She made me realize how strong my marriage can be. She made me realize how amazing of a man my Husband is. Sure, he messed up too. He made a mistake. And at one time I thought I would always hate him for that. But how can you hate a man who apologizes for being wrong. Who repents to God for what he has done. Who holds you at night when you cry and even sheds some tears of his own? How can you hate a man who supports every pro life effort. A man who tells you that it's okay to be on call when for a girl who has an unplanned pregnancy. A man who lets you share your story, even at the risk that someone he knows may find out and judge him for it. A man who lets you do whatever you feel God has asked you to do to make that Life matter. And how can not forgive someone and expect God to forgive you? The answer is simple. You. Can't.

She is the reason I volunteer my time. The reason I drive to Dalton every week and prepare speeches and studies and which college we are going to next. The reason I can speak to and understand the women who come in who feel alone and scared. She is the reason I can have compassion for somebody no matter what they have done. (Yes. I mean that. I do believe I am the only person who feels compassion for the man who shot my grandfather. I know we all mess up and none of us choose the temporary "insanity" we suffer from.)

She is the reason that I have met so many amazing, Christian women who have helped me grow closer to God. The reason I have bonds with women whom I would otherwise never have known.

She is the reason I got up this morning and told my story in front of an entire church of strangers, as well as two of the most influential, supportive women in my Life. (Whom I thought I was helping to Heal. But really they were helping me too the whole time.)

She is the reason I entered the Memorial for the Unborn today. And the reason I shook hands with Julie Norman, the daughter of legendary Zig Zigglar and listened to her story with awe. As I sat at the Memorial, I looked around the room. I saw the faces of women who were smiling and rejoycing that their children were ever here to begin with. And I saw the faces of women who were still suffering. Many of the faces inside the Memorial looked familiar. Friends and acquaintenses I have made over the last 4 years. Women who have made all the difference in who I am. As I sat inside the NMU, I listened to a story of Hope. I was encouraged.

I thought about all the Joy this child has brought into my Life. If not for her, I would have never realized how precious Life is. I would never have entered the world of Hope and Healing. WEC Dalton would still not have a Recover Study. My friend, D, would never have been at church the day I told my story. She never would have known that other women suffer. Maybe that is why Lucy sacrificed her life. Not just for me, for her sister. Her Dad. For these women. Because the impact she is making is just as big a wave as if she were here today. As I thought about all that wouldn't have happened, I realized that God not only put that child in my womb, but he put her in my Heart so that I could grow in Him. So that I could learn to Love more. So I could learn to BE for a greater purpose. He didn't WANT me to abort her, but he KNEW I would. And he gave me her anyway. That doesn't dismiss what I did. In fact I still think of all the "never will happens" with her being gone. Without her here, she will never have her first Christmas, first hair cut. She will never have children of her own. But those are all things I don't know anyway. She could have passed away before her birth. She could have passed away in her first year. I HAVE to focus on what IS or the guilt will eat me alive.

Today is Sanctity of Human Life Sunday and 5 years after I lost her, I realize that my mourning must be over. All I can do now is quit asking God why and rejoice that she was ever there to begin with.