Lucy's Heaven Day

December 29th 2012 marks Lucy's 3rd year in Heaven. Though her existence was so brief, she has made a huge impact in my life and the lives of many others and many more to come. 

Saturday was was a very special day. In the morning I lit a candle in honor of Lucy, I lit two candles actually. Candles I got from her first memorial and the one I got from her group memorial. To me, one symbolizes before my healing, and the other one symbolizes after I found healing. I spent awhile praying, and thinking about her, asking God to show me more about her. She is a girl, and she has a name, but I want to know more of who she would have been. I also listened to her song, "Hey Lucy" by Skillet. And I wrote her a letter in her journal, as well as a note to leave at her Memorial.

We didn't get to go to the Memorial on Saturday because the roads iced over, and I didn't want to chance wrecking. So we went Monday morning. We didn't stay long, because it is a little awkward to me when Jessie comes. (Which is why I sometimes I try to go by myself.) So I left Lucy's note, gathered up some of her old ones I left, walked along the wall, and then signed the book and left.

The real reason that Saturday was such a special day is that I felt a real big change, but let me back up:

When I began the recovery group last Fall, one of the ladies asked the group leaders why they didn't cry when they told their story. She asked if they missed their babies anymore. And they both answered no. I was really shocked. Then one of the ladies went on to say that now she just feels love and excitement, love for her child, and excitement about getting to see him one day. I couldn't believe she said that because I just couldn't imagine letting go like that.

Well, Saturday night, I had some alone time, and I was just going to allow myself to cry for her and to miss her. I went through her journal and looked at her ultrasound and just thought about her, but all that kept coming to mind is how happy I am that I am where I am now, doing what I have a passion for, being able to help other women. And that I Love her, and I can't wait to see her again, because I know I will. And it isn't that I am glad that I did what I did, but I am glad her life lead me where it did. I finally knew what those ladies were talking about.

Then it hit me. That is what the whole last year has been about! I had to deal with everything, including that longing for her, before I could move forward, in anything, with the counseling at the Women's Center, with anything having to do with my family. So I did. I let her go. And last night, as we were waiting to bring in the New Year, I felt this peace, like everything is going to be okay. Like I CAN move forward, and this year, I WILL move forward.

 

I will always love her and remember her and share her with others, and I still have that passion to help others, even moreso now, but it is like everything just suddenly changed. My heart quit that aching feeling, I just stopped having that overwhelming emotion of...longing.

She isn't "the baby I had an abortion with." That thought doesn't come to my mind when I think about her over the last several days. She is just my baby, in Heaven, watching me, waiting for me. 

It is a nice feeling. A different feeling. I don't remember the last time I felt so...free....

Another thing that made Lucy's Heaven Day so special to me, is that this year, I had someone to celebrate it with me. Hannah, whom I have mentioned before, made a very sweet blog post for Lucy. It was really special to read that. And to know someone else is thinking of her on her day. Here it is:

http://www.roseandherlily.com/2012/12/luke-and-lucy.html

She also sent me a card and a small gift for Lucy's Heaven Day. The card was Beautiful, from a line specifically meant for people who have lost their babies, and it had a super personal message inside. I Love cards because they are one of the most personal gifts somebody could give. She also sent a magnet with a painting on it. It is a Beautiful painting that symbolizes a mother longing for her child. At least, that is how I see it. It is called "Gone Too Soon."

What a great friendship we have developed in a little over a month. I hope we continue to email and maybe work together one day. And all this because of an envelope I saw on the wall. 

This is the little area I have for her on my dresser. It has cards I received from others with encouragement or remembrance. The cup that we broke and glued back together is up there, along with some books about abortion and her plaque from the Memorial.

This is where I lit her two candles.

This is my refrigerator. I generally write a new Bible verse once a week, depending on what sort encouragement I think somebody in the family needs, and this was the verse for Lucy's Day. I also displayed my card and magnet from Hannah.

Here is a close-up of the magnet.

This is a picture Hannah took of the candle she lit for Lucy. Absolutely Beautiful.

And the cover to the card that Hannah sent.