National Memorial for the Unborn Speech

Sunday Night: I am pretty confident about speaking tomorrow. Although, I am sure that I will be shaking in my boots once I get there. My speech is pretty simple. I have this one memorized. I have been walking around the house going over it with my eyes shut. I have practiced it in the mirror. I recorded myself, and I even recited it in front of Sam.

I am not sure exactly what to expect tomorrow. All I know is that she said media will be there! I will be getting there early so they can tell me where to sit and when to come up. She says it is in the program they are giving to everybody, so hopefully it will be easy to keep track of.

Sunday Morning: Awe man. Last night went by so slow! I kept waking up. And now I am super nervous, like I feel sick. It is taking me forever to get ready for church because I don't feel good. I just want to get this first REAL time over with. I have spoken before in front of tiny groups or people I knew, but never this. I just have to calm down. 

Sunday Evening: It went fantastic! I was very surprised at how well it went. I don't know what I was so nervous about. I got there a little early to meet everybody and see what I need to do. The woman was extremely nice! She told me what I would need to do and how everything would go. I would be the first one up after the introduction. I went over and over my speech. While we waited, they talked to me and I learned more about the memorial. They also kept talking about my necklace, the one I just bought. They wanted me to mention it when I gave my speech because they really liked what it symbolized. 

One of the women I talked to is someone who has been very dear to my heart, but I have only met her twice now. But she is a big part of my story. I finally got the chance to come face to face with her. She is woman who did my pregnancy test with Lucy. She is one of the directors of the board at NMU. I finally got to tell her what I have been wanting to tell her all these years.  I told her how sorry I was that I told her we would never had an abortion. I told her I was sorry that I didn't give her the chance to talk me out of it. And that I was especially sorry that I took those baby booties, and I would bring them back if she wanted. But it is one of the only things I have left of her. That has been haunting me for years. And she was so forgiving. She said, "No. I want you to have those. You need them." They were such simple words, but they relieved all that guilt I have been carrying around for 3 years now. Yes, over baby booties.

Also, while we were talking, I mentioned that I didn't like what I had put on Lucy's original plate and that I was going to save up to have it replaced. (It says MY Angel, and she isn't just MY Angel. She is Jessie's too.) And she told me she wanted me to figure out what I wanted on the plate and she would have me one made for free, as a Thank You for speaking at the service! I told her I couldn't do that, but she insisted and said that she wouldn't take any money, but that I better contact her with what I want on there. I am so thankful for that, that Lucy will have a plate that Jessie and I are going to come up with TOGETHER. What a Blessing!

A man from News Channel 12 showed up to set up and I got really nervous. He asked to do an interview with me, and I agreed to as long as he would show film from the memorial while I am speaking instead of showing my face. (I don't think Jessie would feel comfortable with my face plastered all over local news with the caption, "Post Abortive Woman." So I told him he could show film of my speech and use my voice from the interview, and he agreed. I know people can possibly still put two and two together, but it will be harder. The clip will only be a minute long, so it is not like they are showing my entire speech or interview. Update: I just found a small article and video about it: 

http://www.wdef.com/news/story/Service-Honors-Unborn-At-National-Monument-In/dNs8hmNQ8E2qkYdBG3mYPg.cspx

Once people started arriving I started getting nervous. Sue, my group leader from our Save One study last fall was there. She came and sat with me and encouraged me. And I was able to talk to her about how the other ladies from our group are doing and I told her about Lucy's Heaven Day. She said it was really special to her to know that God used her in that way, to help me heal completely. I adore Sue. I really hope to get to work with her and Becky again one day. I love that we are partnering with Choices for our post abortive ministry. The women I have come in contact with over the past year are some of the most amazing women I have ever met!

After they did the introduction, she had me stand up. She introduced me, and I read my speech. 
Here it is:

Good Morning. How great it is to be here with you all to honor our children and their short, but significant lives. 

I want to start by introducing myself. My name is Brittany. I am 20 years old. I have been with my Husband for 6 years. And together, we have two children. One of those children is in Heaven this morning. Her name is Lucy.  

Lucy never had the chance to walk this Earth. She has never had the chance to smell a flower or breath a breath of fresh air. Lucy went to be with God before she was even born.  

On December 20^th 2009, I found out I was pregnant-again. Those two pink lines once brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart, but this time, all it brought was fear. And what are we going to do? Our daughter had just turned one that September and we were living with my Mom while I finished school.  Though my Husband worked, we struggled paying our half of the bills. And if my Mom found out I was pregnant, we would have to leave. The devil bombarded us with lie after lie. We could not afford to be on our own. Nobody would help us. We had nowhere to go. Adoption did not seem like it was an option. “We had no other choice,” we thought.  

At that time, my daughter, Samantha, seemed more-real to me than the child that had just started growing inside of me a few week before. But I was wrong. The CHILD inside of me had a heartbeat just the same as the one I was holding in my arms. That CHILD inside of me had hands and feet all the same. It was my job to protect this child, this gift living inside of me, but by time I realized that, I was too late. I had an abortion. The morning of December 29^th, 2009 was the last time that I held my precious child safely inside of me. 

I always knew having an abortion was considered wrong. I knew that it wasn’t an easy experience. I remember saying to my Husband, “It will take awhile for me to get over it.” But I just didn’t know the road lying ahead of me. The events that happened on December 29^th that year left a hole in my heart that only the Lord could fill. 

For two years I suffered, trying to deal with my emotions. Anger toward my Husband and my Mom, people who didn’t have a clue what I had done. And with guilt, bearing the weight of knowing-I-my child’s own mother-was responsible for the fact that she would not enter this world on August 21^st, 2010 or any day before or after. 

I buried my secret and I tried to burry all the emotions along with it. After the passing of what would have been Lucy’s 1^st birthday, I broke. I started having severe issues with anxiety and OCD. I fell absolutely to pieces. I hit the bottom, and when I did, the Lord was there to pick me back up and help put me back together. 

This is where my true healing began. 

He lead me on an incredible journey, through which I have found a tremendous amount of healing. I have spent my last year attending a recovery group, and getting to know the child I lost, talking to those involved in my abortion and finding forgiveness for each one. And lastly, I have been reading my Bible and praying to the Lord that I could find Peace through him. And finally, this past Fall, while attending the Save One recovery group, I found complete peace with the Lord. 

Lucy may never have walked this Earth or smelled a flower, but her life did not stop that day at the clinic. She lives through her family, who loves her very much, her Mom, her Dad, and her big sister. Unfortunately, I became her voice a little too late, but now she has the chance to make the difference in the lives of many.

Afterward, several people came up to me to tell me thank you for sharing and said that my story really encouraged them. Many of them were crying. One woman told me about a man she met today. He asked where she was headed and she told him. He then proceeded to tell her that his girlfriend had an abortion 27 years ago. It took him 9 years before he came out of denial, but he still suffers from it. She gave him the contact number for Choices, and he said he wanted to look into their post abortive counseling. She said, "See, sharing our stories can lead to such wonderful things." It was really encouraging.  

On a side note, another piece of good news. I was not telling my Husband the whole truth about my speaking. (That is not the good part.) I just told him I was going to share the services we have at the center. The reason I did that because he is not comfortable with the "whole world" knowing what we did. He thinks that is something private and while he supports me in doing what I do at the center, he just doesn't want it broadcasted, especially locally. Basically, he hasn't dealt with it. I respect that, but I am ready to move on. It might be 20 years before he faces it. You know? And I can't wait that long. I have to move on. So, I decided to tell him the truth. And you know what he said? He said he wants to come see me speak at Rocky Face next Sunday!!! I am so anxious. I don't want him to come because it will make me more nervous, but I do because I think it will be good for both of us! (He didn't come today because I didn't know if they allowed children to come.)

Also, while I am on the subject of Jessie...We talked this morning, a little about my speech. I was telling him some things I had never told him about the clinic. And he mentioned something about getting a hot dog afterward, because I said my stomach hurt. I didn't remember that. All I remembered was him trying to get me to eat. And how angry I was for the longest time that he tried to use food as comfort for me after what we had just done, like that was going to fix it. Then it hit me..."Wait, he remembers what happened that day?" I guess I never thought about it. I assumed he blocked it all out. So I wanted to hear his side of the story, his emotions and thoughts, what he remembers from being in the waiting room...I asked him to share with me and he said he would. We had to get to church though, so we are going to sit down later and talk about it, now that it is getting easier to talk about. I am anxious to have that discussion with him. I think it might clear up a lot of the fuzzy parts of my story and also help me gain insight on how he felt/feels. I think it'll be healing. Anyway...

NEXT WEEK! 15 MINUTE SPEECH AT ROCKY FACE BAPTIST! My speech is the introduction for the pastor's Sanctity of Human Life sermon.

What an amazing day! I feel so Blessed that God is using Lucy through me to make a difference. And we are just getting started!