My Visit to AAA

For some reason, it seems that I mention very little about my visit to AAA when I was pregnant with Lucy, and I think that it is very important to detail that more because they have become such a big part of my story.

After I found out I was pregnant, I was looking online for clinics. Because AAA was formerly an abortion clinic, it popped up on the list. I called to ask about setting up an appointment and the woman said it was bought out by a pro life organization years ago and the clinic was destroyed. They no longer offered those services, but I could come in for a free test. I am not sure why I made an appointment. (Well, now I am, but back then, it didn't make an sense.) So I told them I would come in the next day.

We went in and they called me back. I took a test, and they sat me in a counseling room. (It is definitely weird now, being the one on the other side, asking the questions and trying to convince others to choose life for their babies. But I think God is using my experience there so that I can be more authentic to the women who come into our center, and not make them feel so inferior.) Anyway, the woman asked me several questions about how I was feeling and about family life and my marriage. She asked if I would ever consider having an abortion."No. Oh no! I could NEVER do that," I said. She asked if I knew anybody who had had one. I told her yes. Technically, I did. I knew of one person who had had one...Actually, more like I heard it through the grape vine that a girl my Husband worked with and that I had met twice had one. I didn't know why I even said yes. That was so insignificant to me then. She handed me a card for their ARISE Post Abortive Program. (That is the card that I mention in my story...The one I tucked away for safe keeping.) While I was in there she asked me, "Do you know that if you were to die in a car accident as soon as you leave here, that you are going to go to Heaven?" I hesitated to answer the question, because there is always that slight chance that we have misinterpreted the Bible and we are not, in fact, going to Heaven just because we accept Jesus. So she asked if she could share something with me. (Something we are prompted to ask our clients if they say they do not have a relationship with the Lord. It made me extremely uncomfortable, so I generally try to share in more unconventional ways.) Afterward, she let Jessie in and another woman brought in my test-positive, as we already knew it would be. That is when the offered us those booties. And she told us all about how the women at a local church knit them, "for women like us." And I took them. I also set up an appointment for an ultrasound, which I later cancelled.

That is the afternoon that we walked around the Battle Field. We talked. And when we made "Our Decision" I told him I would go ahead and set up an appointment with their Post Abortive Counselors. So I did.

Approximately a week after my abortion Jessie drove me to their downtown location for AAA. I went upstairs to meet Kelli, while Jessie waited downstairs. I had yet to really deal with any of my emotions, nor did I have any idea what to expect. All I had done that past week was cry. She did my intake and went over some initial questions with me. While I was there, she tried to help me sort out some of my emotions. One of the first ones was anger, toward Jessie. And as I left, I got angrier and angrier. It just hit me how angry I was. And I told Jessie. I said, "She helped me realize that I blame you for all of this." And that was our first, but definitely not our last big fight over that. (The next two years were just fight over fight about my anger and blame toward him.)

I continued to go to counseling with her for a few weeks. I went to the closer location, the one that I went to for my test. We started a study called, "Surrendering the Secret." At the time, I thought it was completely irrelevant. We were still in the situation where my Mom could not find out. Kelli told me that I was right. Those studies are generally meant for women who have waited several years to find healing and they had yet to discover a study that deal with those who were just starting to deal with it.

(Now I see the importance of it. Although I skipped over a lot of the scripture and it was still my "secret," it was still the start to my healing. I was still able to step through all of the emotions, enough to get them under control. And it wasn't until 2011 that I completed my SRG which brought me another step closer.)

The last time I went to AAA for counseling, back in February 2010 they were going by the name Choices Pregnancy Center. (Not that that is relevant. ) The last time I was there was the time that they gave me a few very pretty, expensive size 2T dresses for Samantha. Somebody had donated them, and they said they usually kept clothes in their "Clothes Closet," but they didn't have a whole lot of room, so they couldn't take clothes that were 2T and up. I adored those dresses. I put Samantha in them whenever I had the chance. She wore them the rest of that Winter and the next. I held on to those dresses because the only way I would get rid of them was if I could give them to a Women's Center. I had found my passion. Since Choices could not take clothes that were 2T, I could not give the dresses back to them. (It was not until 2012 when I found the Center I am at now, did I find somewhere to give the dresses. In fact, I am sure I mentioned it before, that is how I found the Center I am at now. I asked my counselor if there was a Center in Dalton that took clothes that size. Isn't it amazing how the Lord leads us the places he wants us to be? All over some dresses.)

One day, about a year later, in March 2011, I got an email. It was titled "Plate Order." I thought to myself, "I didn't order any plates." I figured it was Spam and I almost deleted it, but I decided to check it just in case. Praise the Lord I did! Katrina, who was the Director of the National Memorial for the Unborn, was emailing to let me know that Lucy's plaque was ready. (NMU is attached to Choices and they are affiliated, but not run with the same funding.) I didn't remember ordering Lucy's plaque, but I remembered messing around on the website. The plaque was the one I posted on the site before. It said, "Lucy/My Angel/December 29, 2009" She asked if I wanted to have a service. I told her that would be nice. So I set up a date, March 16th, 2010. I wanted to come to terms with what we had done before I had her Memorial, so I sat and wrote. And I wrote everything I could remember about that day and the days preceeding it. It was pages and pages of my darkest secret. It was a large weight off of me.

March 16th came. I had my service. We did a small service, not anything personal because I didn't know what the Memorial was all about. (Which is why I was so glad to have that group service after our Save One study.) She played music from their default CD and read some scriptures she had picked out. I placed Lucy's plate, which back then, I picked a random spot, but now I realize the significance of that spot, like Lucy lead me to it. When I go in, it is right beside the large, wooden cross. And right near that is where I found Hannah's note. And, on top of that, when I spoke today, Lucy's plate was directly behind me. I have gotten familiar with that spot, the box of crayons and birthday card sitting next to it. The R2 D2 stuffed character. And a small wooden box. Everytime I go to leave Lucy a note, it just feels like that is where she was meant to be...Memorialized. Anyway, then I lit a candle, signed a certificate of life, and we went outside to let a balloon go, symbolizing releasing her to God. And when we did, it blew into the power lines. Funny, but terrible.

After the service, we went into her office and she gave me some marble to put Lucy's plaque on. She also gave me the Save One study to complete on my own since I had had a little more time to process it all. (Little did I know that I would be completing the Save One study again in my group a year and a half later so I could train to lead it!)

I asked her about volunteering and she told me I would need to talk to Sharon about that. (Which is funny now to put a face with her name. I saw her at the NMU today. She was the one I talked to, the one who did my test.) Katrina and I emailed back and forth a few times, but I never could get ahold of Sharon, so I gave up on volunteering there. (I was heart broken, because I did not realize God was leading me to Dalton and that I would still get to work with Choices, ON HIS TIME!)

April 2012 is when I started volunteering at the Center I am at now. (It seems like it has been so much longer. We have accomplished so much this last year!) I had not forgotten about Choices, but I wasn't aiming to work with them anymore either. Until one day, the lady I am working with at the Center now, K, she mentioned starting a post abortive study group to go with the individual counseling. And what do you know if she did not say, "I have been emailing KELLI! She is going to help us get started. She is going to let us train with them in September to learn to lead this SAVE ONE group.) WOW! All these thing from the past 2 and a 1/2 years. They were all leading up to this!

So when we went to training it was nice to see Kelli's face, a familiar face. And I met a group of women that I had no idea would become so important to me in such a short time! I met Sue and Becky and Stephanie, who all ended up being my group leaders the following month!

While we were at the training, Kelli had us put our name on her email list. She said if you want to work in the post abortive ministry, you have to keep up to date with what is going on in the news for the pro life and pro choice areas. So she offered to email us some of her big news finds.

I never did receive anything, until a few weeks ago. I received a newsletter that mentioned the Sanctity of Human Life service at NMU. It said to call if you want to get involved. So I did. And I had NO IDEA that Kelli would ask me to speak! And this is where we are. Isn't it amazing how everything works together? All of this because I went to AAA for a pregnancy test even though I already knew I was pregnant.